Sunday, June 27, 2010

50 Things That Make Me Shake My Head In Disgust

There are things I like, things I fucking hate, and then there are things that I see that just leave me shaking my head in disbelief. Here are 50 things that do just that................enjoy

1. Fat guys covered in hair who wear speedo's..........are you for fucking real this is by far one of the most disgusting things I've ever had to see

2. Diet cola, it's worse for you then regular cola, it tastes like stale piss with sugar and it doesn't even have fucking sugar.........what the fuck is the point

3. Non alcholoic beer, again why bother and just buy the real stuff. Seriously if you don't want alcohol buy some fucking apple juice and pretend to be drunk you fucking pussy.

4. Fat chicks who wear spandex, do you not know how ridiculous you look. It's like watching someone try to squeeze a watermelon into a zip lock bag.

5. Blue tooth as if cell phones don't piss me off enough

6. Cheesy pick up lines at bars, do you really think that women are actually impressed with this shit I'm frankly surprised that more of them don't get beaten with a beer bottle when you use these.

7. Pointless text messages, fuck I hate these

8. Socks and sandals, this just looks fucking gay no way around it

9. White guys who think their black guys, look in a fucking mirror dumb ass

10. People who ask questions to things they already know.......................somebody punch these fuckers in the face please.

11. Japanese animation, simply put what the fuck

12. Tourists who think a bright neon fucking pink fanny pack is cool or will hide their money

13. Tweens who like Miley Cyrus and all that other pop shit

14. Americans who think Canada is permanently covered in snow and ice and that we all own dog sled teams and know Jack or Bill from Thunder Bay.

15. Tofu

16. People who think David Hasselhoff is a talented singer

17. People who like the Twilight movies..........I fucking hate vampires that sparkle

18. Women who are 45 but try to act like there still 15

19. The fat fuck at McDonald's who orders 20 cheeseburgers and thinks that if he gets a diet coke he might loose weight.

20. Pride and Prejudice

21. People who hate bacon

22. Guys who think it's still 1950 and that women belong in the kitchen

23. So called educated fucks who use big words the rest of the word doesn't know to try to make themselves look more important.

24. People who spend most of their lives playing World Of Warcraft

25. People who spend more then what they earn and then are confused about why they have no fucking money.

26. Trekkies who insist on going out in public dressed as Klingons from Uranus

27. The word yogurt

28. Valley girls, ya know like totally..............SHUT YOUR FUCKING PIE HOLE !!!!!!!!!!

29. People who say "That's hot"

30. People who don't know who Clint Eastwood is............I mean really he's only one of the fucking greatest actors/directors in the fucking universe.

31. Those that think wrestling is real

32. Politicians when can't understand why people hate them.

33. People who wear socks up to their fucking knees when wearing shorts

34. Spam

35. Dogs that can fit in purses

36. People who fall for obvious stupid fucking scams

37. People who do the same fucking thing over and over but then bitch because their expecting something different to happen each time.........yeah their fucking morons.

38. People who stand in the middle of the fucking way but can't figure out why people get pissed off at them.

39. The government, enough said

40. People who use chewing tobacco, it's a fucking disgusting habit especially when they store there spit in a clear bottle like a fucking trophy. It looks like runny shit.

41. Tweeny chick flicks

42. People who tell boring stories for like 20 fucking minutes and don't realize that nobody is paying attention to them and would rather watch paint dry while masturbating with sandpaper.

43. People who actually listen to Ricky Martin

44. Smurfs

45. Guys who think blasting Millie Vanillie from a cassette deck in their Pinto will help them get laid.

46. Glitter

47. People who use the word buttocks instead of ass............c'mon your not going to hell for saying ass you fucks.

48. People who get lost while using a GPS even though it's programmed correctly

49. People who don't know when to shut the fuck up.

50. People who bitch about every fucking thing imaginable when they have no excuse to complain because their a spoiled little fuck.

So there's my little list, hope you enjoyed. And if you haven't made your way over to the other blog I co-write on (Two Foul Mouthed Fuckers just in case you forgot) there's a new post up, so check it out.

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Emma Stone

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Friday, June 25, 2010

In The Navy

Last Sunday I had enough of the bullshit, the bullshit you ask is job searching. I've been in Vancouver for almost a year now, and in that amount of time only 3 companies of the hundreds I've applied to have called back. Of those three 1 pays just enough to do Jack and shit and Jack left town. They wouldn't even pay me enough to buy food, I would literally have to starve working for these bastards.............YEAH FUCK THAT SHIT. The second was some fly by night telemarketing scheme that I never even applied to, and the last was some trucking company that kept trying to lower the amount I would be earning. So yeah you can pretty much guess my reaction to these fucking outstanding opportunities "GO FUCK YOURSELF COCK JAWS".

Now I'm not a lazy person, nor will I ever be. But I refuse to work for peanuts when I could make more on welfare then at a particular job............and no I'm currently not on welfare or plan on being on it, I believe in working for a living not mooching off the government for my sorry ass. But seriously thought what the fuck?

I've talked to many out here in Vancouver about the job situation and pretty much everyone I've spoken to says the same thing, regardless of you're skill set you could wait six months to a year to hear from a company that you apply too......... are you fucking kidding me what crap is this. A company posts an ad online or in a paper that they need guys immediately for whatever type of work, and yet when I apply I hear nothing, no reply, no confirmation email, nothing...like I never fucking applied. No instead they hold my resume along with however many others to review when they feel like it.

I also know it's not because my resume is crap, I've had a few look it over to be sure and they say it's very professional and well written. I also know that my skills and experience should make me an ideal choice for many different careers, yet I hear nothing. I've done everything from searching job sites online, asking around in person, job staffing or "head hunter" agencies and asking people I know if they've heard anything............and yet nothing. If this were Edmonton as much as I don't care for that city I would have had work ages ago, and well paying work at that.

So I think my frustration is pretty fucking understandable, so getting back to what I said at the top I said "Fuck it" So what is my plan you ask simple...................I re-applied to the military, the navy this time to be exact. The way I see it I'm not going to hold my breath for a company to call me back for some 9-5 bullshit job that might not even exist.........no fuck that. No if I have to choose I choose to be working for people who are like minded like myself.

There is no guarantee that I'll get back in, but considering the fucking joke that job searching out here has been so far I stand a pretty good chance. Wish me luck.

Random Hottie Of This Post


Kate Beckinsale

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Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Tampax, Depends, and Prescription Meds

The few times that I watch TV (I don’t own one fortunately) I’m always baffled by these commercials. Now do they really fucking think that people are like this?


Let’s start with my favourite, tampon commercials. Now I understand that they have to advertise but do they really fucking think that women strap of these absorbent little pads or whatever the fuck and start dancing? Or how about a thrilling game of beach volleyball………..anyone, anyone at all……..yeah didn’t fucking think so. I consider myself a keen observer of those around me and I’ve never seen anyone and I mean fucking anyone use a tampon and say “Fuck I feel great I’m going to the beach and play some volleyball”. No when it’s that “special” time of the month it means DUCK AND FUCKING COVER. Shit tends to fly in every direction and that sweet special someone you know becomes a man eating fucking lizard monster from hell. Nobody gets happy and dances, nobody starts doing yoga in tights, and nobody plays with a fucking hula-hoop. No they get bloated, and swear a lot.

And what the fuck is that blue liquid shit they use in all those commercials anyway. If something blue comes out of me I’m going to a fucking hospital because something isn’t right. I know they can’t use something blood colored but c’mon, people are going to think you ladies pee blue or something messed up like that.

Now who likes to shit themselves………….probably nobody me thinks. So why the fuck when they show commercials for adult diapers they show happy old farts riding bikes and talking about feeling free and or liberated? First If I shit myself, be it accident or on purpose I’m not jumping on a bike and tour the fucking countryside looking for green meadows and flowers to prance in. No what’s more realistic is locking my ass in the house due to shame having shit my pantaloons (that’s French for pants I believe)

A Depends commercial should go something a little like this:

Camera zooms in on some old person in their home

“Hello I’m some random old fucker. I’m 85 years old and spend my days playing go fish and watching

re-runs Matlock and the Rockford Files. I have to wear a diaper because I tend to shit myself on a regular basis. No I’m not going for a bike ride; I’m going to change my fucking diaper during the commercial break”

The fucking end, the camera displays product and there was much rejoicing.

Seriously would you fucking ride a bike if your pants were full of shit? Yeah I doubt it too.

And now for the worst of the bunch………prescription medication commercials. You know the ones that show some random paid actor talking about their fake condition, be it herpes or a heart condition. They talk about their life before and show acted out clips of them looking fake sad because they can’t take little Timmy out on a fishing trip, or there shown clutching their chest because their faking pain. But wait then along comes some fancy fucking medication that sounds like somebody tried just a little too hard to make it sound cool that will either fix or reduce the chance of whatever condition happening.

But here’s the kicker, near the end of the commercial they have somebody speed read through all the possible side effects you can have if you take this medication. It’s not just a little dry mouth or a headache, FUCK NO, side effects may include dizziness, shortness of breath, blood clots, seizures, loss of vision, nerve damage, stomach ulcers, gangrene, coma‘s, and fifty thousand other ailments that sound way worse then what you have now. I also love how they mention not to operate heavy machinery, or do anything strenuous like work or anything like that, or that you could pass out behind the wheel of a car when taking little Timmy to the ole fishing spot down by the river. Sorry everyone little Timmy will have to go their alone where he’ll meet nice Mr. Anderson, who will give Timmy candy and offer to take him back to his house to “pet his puppy”.

I’m not saying not to take medication for ailments but it’s really buyer beware and frankly these fucking commercials tend to sugar coat reality to the point of unbelievable bullshit. It’s the same with tampons and adult diapers, of course there necessary items that people need that’s why there never on sale after all (those greedy fucks), but do we really need this fantasy bullshit being shoved down our throats. If anything all these commercials do is make their products laughing stocks and annoy the fuck out of people, I mean who the fuck pays attention to some old guy riding a bike in a fucking meadow, or some annoying chick doing yoga that you just want to shove a dirty sock down her throat. And when you have something that pisses you off, you don’t pay attention to the information that’s being passed alone. Instead you change the channel or simply tune it out of you’re head while you wait for whatever lame reality show to come back on.

Random Hottie Of This Post


Rhona Mitra

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Sunday, June 20, 2010

A Little Video For You

I was bored this weekend and had tonnes of time to kill. So I thought I would make a little video to one of my favorite movies, well not exactly one of my favorites. Frankly I think this movie is a rip off of The Road Warrior and Medieval Times, but it's brainless and it's a million times fucking better then Sense and Sensibility will ever be, and it won't leave you with the burning desire to vomit while tearing out you're eyes such as the Notebook will, war movie my ASS. ONE FUCKING PLANE DROPS ONE FUCKING BOMB THAT KILLS THE GUY'S BUDDY AND HE DIES LIKE A LITTLE BITCH, not to mention you NEVER get to  Racheal McAdams (Who's also a fellow Canadian) naked except for some camera angles that show you her back or her big toe.......FUCK I HATE THAT MOVIE.

So getting back on topic here's a little video I made to the movie Doomsday, the song is by the shock rock group Gwar and is called Meat Sandwich, enjoy.

Random Hottie Of This Post


Rachel McAdams



Gwar Meat Sandwich (Doomsday)

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Pretentious Fucks

Okay I'm confused, now last time I checked I don't go out and act like a total perv or an asshole. I certainly don't go around in a trench coat and flash women and farm animals. And I certainly don't try to use lame cheesy pick up lines like "Don't turn this rape into a murder" or "You got a purdy mouth". So why the fuck is it that many of the women that I've run into in Vancouver have treated me like the anti-Christ?
This is what confuses me, I can be out doing whatever, such as taking my dogs out for a walk, getting groceries, or going for a run along the sea-wall, and at some point during this I either get dirty looks or in several cases get looked up and down and then get comments such as "Ewww" or "Ughhh as if"...........WHAT THE FUCK.

Did I do something that I'm not aware of? Do I stink or something, I don't fucking get it. I mind my own business, I don't bother people, and yet I get this bullshit treatment. I know that I'm not filthy fucking rich, and that I look like I've come in second place in a shovel fighting contest, but still I'm not being an asshole, so what the fuck gives? Is it because many people out here tend to lean towards being a selfish, money obsessed douche bag (I can't speak for the whole city but it seems that way in metro Vancouver) Is it because of the Hollywood influence with all the movies and shows that are shot out here where if you have a pimple you're considered fat and a diseased leper.

If that's the case, well I'm fucking sorry. I'm fucking sorry that I can't afford a Ferrari or other over priced sports car. I'm sorry that I don't own a giant fucking yacht that's parked out in the marina all year long and costs more to clean it's shitter then to buy a new SUV. I'm sorry that I don't have a fucking stock portfolio that you pay a broker or accountant to manage for you because you're too fucking stupid to do it yourself. And I'm sorry that my appearance isn't up to you're impossible to reach standards.

To those douche canoes out there who act like that GO FUCK YOURSELF AND PLAY IN TRAFFIC. You don't have to like me, shit yo don't to even acknowledge that I even exist, but you sure as fuck don't have the right to make shitty comments to me or when you think I can't hear you. I'm not perfect but at least I'm not a two faced pretentious asshole.
 
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Jessica Biel
 
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Saturday, June 12, 2010

A Morale Boost

The last couple of days I’ve been feeling a little down, just a lot of disappointment and bullshit related from things that are mostly beyond my control. So yesterday at a friend’s place ( I know scary I have a friend who would have thought ) I was feeling a little bored and had some time to kill. Now she has a T.V and I don’t, personally I hate the fucking things but I had nothing better to do. I turn it on and what pops up? The news, nope, reality bullshit T.V………fuck no I would have burned the fucking thing if it did. No what came on was JERRY FUCKING SPRINGER……………….are you fucking with my head? This is still on T.V?

The last time I watched Jerry Springer I was still in high school and still giggling over the fact that Geraldo, who described himself as a “Sexual Cowboy” kicked the shit out of a neo Nazi on T.V ( So why do Nazi skinheads wear read suspenders…….who the fuck cares their fucking idiots ), fuck the things that are floating in my brain…….it even amazes me sometimes, there may not be a cure for cancer in there, but fuck it I can remember dam near every movie, T.V show and anything else of little to no importance from 1990 to present FUCK!!!

So getting back on target I was pretty surprised to see Jerry Springer was still on the tube, naturally I was compelled to watch, for research purposes only I ensure you. The topic was none other then best friends who had slept with their friends boyfriends, I know exciting stuff isn’t it? Naturally the show was filled with the most upstanding and fine examples of humanity one will ever come across in their life……….uhhh yeah not even fucking close, was their not a trailer park they could fucking skulk back to, preferably just before a tornado hits it.

I mean seriously do they not fucking know how retarted they look, with their greasy hair, acne, and the general odour or pathetic glue bag that reeks from every pour of their body. I fucking swear it’s these turds that keep the aliens at bay, not because they feel threatened by us, but because their too busy laughing their slimy green asses off and shaking their many heads at us in disgust. The fact that this show has been on since about ‘95 you think these fuck sticks would have got the memo which reads a little something like this:

“Dear Mr, Miss Glue Bag

If you come on the Jerry Springer show, you will look like a white trash puke piece of shit. You will fight you’re cousin, sister, brother, or aunt who you are currently sleeping with for our amusement. If you’re horrendously fat you will probably loose you’re shirt and scare our audience. But please don’t let that stop you.

Signed

The Staff at the Jerry Springer show

P.S

Were all gonna laugh at you”



And yet here we are years later in the 21st century and these shit turbines are lining up begging to get on this show, for what it’s not they get anything. Yeah they get 15 minutes of T.V exposure then what? They crawl back to the swamp where they were spawned?

And it didn’t there because right after Jerry Springer was the Maury Povich show, you know the one where they do the DNA testing to see who’s the daddy……….Oh you better fucking believe that was the topic for yesterday too so you know I had to watch. And yeah you guessed it too, some fucking hoe bag who probably slept with more people then I’ve ever met in my life was confused about who her kids dad is. Here’s a little tid bit of advice……….KEEP YOU’RE FUCKING LEGS CLOSED OR USE PROTECTION YOU FUCKING MORON WE DON’T NEED IDIOTS CRAPPING OUT MORE IDIOTS.

So after watching these two shows I felt 100% better. I know that no matter how fucked up my life is or will be, I will never be on one of those shows…….I’m not that fucking stupid. Nor am I that fucking stupid to do the shit that got them on those shows. Fuck compared to them I’m a god dam superstar.

Random Hottie Of This Post

Vanessa Marcil


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Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Text Message Bullshit And A New Blog

I fucking hate text messaging, can you honestly tell me this is more effective then simply calling somebody. Sure this has some practical purposes, let's say you're being held hostage and sending a phone call would mean certain death. Or perhaps you're near the speakers of some concert and can't hear yourself think, those to me are legitimate uses for texting, other then that it's complete bullshit.


Call me old fashioned but if I'm going to use a phone or a cell it's going to be to call somebody (I know what a fucking concept actual human to human voice communication..scary shit I know). If I want to send a message to somebody using text I'll use an email.

Texting is also fucking rude, if you're own a date don't fucking text in the middle of a conversation. I swear if I ever go on a date and some chick breaks out the "Crackberry" or "I-Dope" I will fucking slap them in the face with the complimentary bread and ask the waiter or waitress to have the chef deep fry that fucking phone. I fucking hate the pointless stupid little messages with all the abbreviations and pointless bullshit. I have a phone that I purposely can't text with because if I want to talk I will fucking call or email you bastards. To spend the time to write out a little message you might as well push a little button and speed dial the fucker you want to talk to.

Now as annoying as assholes are on cell phones who shout to the whole world about how great they are when secretly their broke and can't get it up, there are those fuckers who are blindly staring into their phones while walking around like a bunch of zombies. These dumb fucks are too fucking stupid to look around to make sure their not going to run into other people, or in a few cases that I've seen walk into traffic totally oblivious that a car was about to turn them into a greasy smear on the road, as was the case with one hello kitty bitch. (I'll explain what a hello kitty bitch is in a future post)

Now on a completely unrelated topic if you didn't know myself and CB (Crazy Brunette for those who don't know...check out her site the link is to the right) have been conspiring to create a new joint blog. I'm fucking stoked to tell you this blog is now up and running, you can find it's link to the right. It's called "Two Foul Mouthed Fuckers". So go check it out.......... you know you want to.
 
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Salma Hayek
 
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Saturday, June 5, 2010

To Hell And Back

Since my recent move I’ve had an abundance of alone time, while I’m usually comfortable being alone it does leave me a lot of time to let my mind wander, something that isn’t always a good thing. I do have a bit of a dark and twisted sense of humour or so I’ve been told but that‘s for another post…..this one is a serious one for a change. Awhile ago one of my favourite bloggers Kelly over at Psycho Carnival opened up about some of the things in his life that he’s been struggling with . I really admired the fact that he felt comfortable and had the guts to write a post about a subject that I have no doubt probably stirred up some old feelings for him. It got me thinking about my own inner demons and my current struggles, and to be honest there have been a few times when I wanted to write this post but was afraid to.

My inner demons (not sure what else to call them) stem from years of abuse as a kid. Now when I say abuse I don’t want to come of as some wimp because daddy called me names, I wish it was just that. You see the scum bag who had the nerve to call me his father had a major fascination for Adolf Hitler and anything and everything to do with Nazism. He was so obsessed with Nazi’s that he himself became a neo-Nazi before I was born. When I was a few years old he decided to impress his Nazi buddies by trying to brainwash me into being his little Aryan follower. He took me to their rallies, made me read Mien Kampf, and made me watch as he and his pathetic so called friends beat up drunken helpless natives who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

On one particular night he put a pistol in my hand (loaded) and told me to shoot this one person they had just beaten the crap out of. When I refused and put the gun down he beat me instead. This piece of shit also liked to hit women, and my mother was the victim of many a violent and savage beating, once even involving a game of Russian roulette on Christmas eve when he came home drunk from the bar and became angry because the decorations and dinner wasn’t ready yet. When he couldn’t get his rocks off doing that to her he shoved the pistol in my mouth and decided I wanted to play. I can tell you that I might have forgotten a lot of things in my life but I will NEVER forget the taste of gun oil and cold metal in my mouth as I heard that first click when the trigger was pulled I don’t think you can forget things like that.

Fortunately at that point my mother had enough and snuck us out of the house while he was on a fishing trip the following spring, he was/is a commercial fisherman so this was the first chance she could get us both away safely. We’ve grown apart these last few years because of her heavy drinking but I have and will always be eternally grateful for her getting us out of that hell.

Stuff like that changes you, seriously how can you live a normal life after things like that I know I can’t 25 years now after the fact. Trusting people is extremely difficult for me even today and I battle with depression and occasionally thoughts of suicide. In a way it was one of the major reasons I joined the military, to find meaning in my life and to develop the mental strength to get through anything no matter how bad it is.

I guess for a positive note to all this is that if there is anyone out there who reads this post who’s gone to hell and back you’re not alone, and as long as you don’t fall into the cycle of violence and abuse that many have you are a thousand times a better man/woman then the scum who treated you that way and did those things that we didn’t deserve.

Sorry no random hottie or video for this post I don’t think it would be appropriate.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

What The Fuck Is This Shit

I’m not sure if it’s old age creeping in but I’ve recently started having bouts of nostalgia for days gone by. Today when I was bored I decided to do some channel surfing. I was presently surprised to see that Much Music was still on the air. Much Music for those that don’t know is the Canadian equivalent to MTV, it’s been around for about 20 maybe almost 30 years now, not really fucking sure and besides this isn’t a fucking history lesson that’s what Google or some other shit is good for that and for looking up odd animal porn.


So there I am seeing that this channel is still on the air and I’m thinking to myself “Well holy deep fried dog shit Batman let’s check this out”. After all the last time I actually watched Much Music was probably back in 1999 when I was 19 and with only a tiny fraction of the bitterness that I have today……….ahhh to be young again.

Well needless to say when I changed the channel I was blasted by a bucket of visual shit. I was hoping for some rock or something that passed for rock these days, maybe some hip pop, or even a catchy pop song, what did I get instead………..JUSTIN FUCKING TWINKLE TOE BIEBER. Who in the name of fuck is this little prissy girly bitch who sounds like a cat being deep fried. Justin Bieber…….are you fucking kidding me, I mean how fucking old is this little bitch anyways. And here he is singing about love or some shit like that, HE ISIN’T EVEN OLD ENOUGH TO SHAVE FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

Now fortunately I caught only the last few seconds of the song (If you can call it that) so I was hoping for something that would redeem Much Music, maybe something by Disturbed or Godsmack or something. What came on next……..Hannah Montana dressed up like a fucking chicken or something in a cage screeching away about who the fuck knows what. I don’t even think she’s old enough to buy beer and her tits are coming close to popping out of her outfit. I can only imagine how many perverted old fucks were whacking off to that video mumbling “It puts the lotion on it’s skin” or something about Matlock and walking 50 miles to school in twenty feet of snow or some shit like that……either way it’s still a disturbing image.

Did I miss something these last couple of years, am I that fucking old, I mean fuck I’m only 30? Are my expectations too fucking high or something? I mean what the fuck, some fucking 12 or 14 or whatever the fuck their age is singing about shit they don’t understand and are making a shit load of cash that probably ends up in their parent’s wallets anyways.

So I thought at this point that maybe the third time will be the charm and eagerly awaited the next video to see if it would be something better. What I got was another tweeny bitch with barley any talent screeching away like a banshee on the rag. Is it too much to ask for some decent fucking music these days, seriously what the fuck is this bullshit. I blame American Idol for all this manufactured crap being pumped out and shoved down our throats. Needless to say I don’t plan on going back to that fucking channel any time soon, If I want to hear something decent that’s not sung by a kid who looks like a little girly bitch I’ll download and save it on my computer.

But I’m not bitter

Random Hottie Of This Post


Shannon Elizabeth

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