You Might Be A Douche Bag If.......

Douche bags, these fuckers are everywhere. From the grocery store to that run down adult video store where Carlos sells crack beside the dumpster in the alley (Carlos wanted me to tell you that on Tuesdays if you spend 100 dollars you get a 10 dollar gift coupon) Some of these fucking douche bags don't even realize that they are douche bags, and that is truly scary. So I thought I would put together a list of tell tale signs that either someone you know is a douche bag. Remember there is no cure for being a douche bag other then a swift back handed bitch slap (Repeat twice a day or as many times as required. You can also hit them in the face with a dirty sock full of pennies)

The Urban Dictionary defines a douche bag as :

Someone who has surpassed the levels of jerk and asshole, however not yet reached fucker or motherfucker.

An example would be :

Rob:He kept hitting on my girlfriend at the party, he just wouldn't leave her alone!!



Sam: God, what a douche bag
 
Here are some of the signs :
 
If you think yelling above everyone else about how much money you have, or that you just made some big fucking financial deal makes you look like an all star YOU ARE A DOUCHE BAG.

If you're walking down the street and think it would be the fucking greatest idea in the worked to hork up snot and spit it on the ground right in front of someone YOU ARE A DOUCHE BAG.

If you go into a building and instead of holding the door open for the person behind you FOR A WHOLE TWO FUCKING SECONDS, but instead let it slam in their face YOU ARE A DOUCHE BAG COCK JAWS.

If you're one of those tweeny teenage fuck sticks who insist on giggling, throwing popcorn or in general being a loud mouthed little shit smear when people who used their own money NOT MOMMY AND DADDY'S to pay to watch that movie YOU ARE MOST CERTAINLY A DOUCHE BAG.

If you're too fucking lazy to use a turn signal but instead just cut everyone off and then wonder why somebody is flipping you off YOU ARE A STUPID DOUCHE BAG.

If you think it's a great idea to get drunk at you're buddies place and try to grab everyone's wife and girlfriends ass, you not only deserve a severe ass kicking YOU ARE ALSO A DOUCHE BAG.

If you're one of those lazy little shits who can't be bothered to pick up after you're dog who just left a nice fresh steamer in the middle of the sidewalk YOU ARE A DOUCHE BAG.

If you're the type of person who never shuts up about themselves and thinks their the greatest human being in the entire history of the fucking universe YOU ARE A DOUCHE BAG.

If you're the type of person who fucks another person in the ass and doesn't have the God damn common courtesy to give them a reach around YOU ARE A FUCKING DOUCHE BAG.

If you're the type of person who owns a monster sized fucking Doge Hemi quad cab, extra long box, no muffler, flames shooting off the side, sticker of Kalvin pissing on a Ford logo, and plastic balls dangling from the rear axle of you're truck to make up for you're shortfalls. And you drive that monster sized Doge Hemi like a fucking moron, and act like the road is you're personal fucking race track, and have no fucking respect for the thousands of other drivers, pedestrians, or anyone else on or near the road YUP YOU GUESSED IT YOU ARE A FUCKING DOUCHE BAG.

 If you're one of those educated fucks who think that because you went to some fancy ass school that you're automatically better then anyone YOU ARE A DOUCHE BAG.

If you're from Toronto and not only think it's the center of the universe but think their hockey team the Toronto Maple Leafs are the greatest hockey team in the fucking universe FUCK I HATE YOU AND YES YOU ARE INDEED A DOUCHE BAG.

If you're too fucking lazy to get off your ass and make that sandwich you're fat ass is craving, but instead yell at you're significant other to make it for you YOU ARE A DOUCHE BAG.

And last but not least :

If you are a puke piece of dog shit who insists on being as rude as humanly possible to others because you're life is a sad never ending misery parade and you secretly pray each day for death YOU ARE A DOUCHE BAG.

Hope that clarified it for you, now you to can spot a douche bag.

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Halloween Survival Tips

Being that Halloween is just around the corner I feel it's important to share some helpful tips to make this Halloween a safe and fun one for everyone.

1. DO NOT DRY HUMP THE ZOMBIES

Zombies may be the walking dead but they have feelings to........well maybe nobody really knows, it's hard to tell with their vacant stares and groaning. Besides you don't know where they've been.

2.  DO NOT ACCEPT CANDY FROM STRANGERS

Unless of course they are in a clear plastic bag, you don't want some hobo's greasy hands sweating up all over the candy. This is especially true of chocolate.

3.  IF BEING CHASED BY A CRAZY KNIFE WIELDING PSYCHO DON'T RUN UP THE FUCKING STAIRS

Really have you not seen any horror movies where the dumb blond with big boobs decides to make a run for it by going upstairs to hide in the bathroom only to be cut to little pieces with an axe. Not fucking smart, instead go in the basement instead cause nothing bad ever happens in a basement. Besides running up all those stairs means you'll just die tired.

4. DON'T SACRIFICE ANY VIRGINS TO THE DARK LORD

Unless you're knife is razor sharp, also make sure that you pronounce you're chanting right. You're sacrificing a virgin to the dark lord, not turning you're poker buddy into a giant furry chicken. I also have to point out that the dark lord is really disappointed from last years sacrifices from the lack of "actual" virgins. Seriously people do you're fucking homework, is it so fucking hard to get them to fill out a simple questionnaire. You don't want to piss off the dark lord.

5. DO NOT GO INTO THE WOODS ALONE

Bring a chubby kid with you, they don't run as fast. If the axe wielding psycho who just finished chopping the dumb blond mentioned before into human firewood decides to show up to turn you're head into a canoe. This way you can escape and as for the chubby kid..........well he should have fucking put the donuts down now shouldn't he. Seriously all that sugar and crap is just going to give you a heart attack.

6. IF YOU'RE A TWENTY SOMETHING PRETENDING TO BE A TEENAGER DO NOT RUN ANYONE OVER AFTER A WILD NIGHT OF PARTYING

We all know that you're shitty driving skills won't kill the poor sap (entirely at least) which means there going to come back looking for revenge. This also means that you're going to get hacked up with either a meat hook, meat cleaver, or some kind of sharp object with the word meat in it, either way it's not going to be pretty.

7.  REMEMBER SILVER BULLETS KILL WEREWOLVES AND WOODEN STAKES KILL VAMPIRES

Don't be a fucktard and mix this up. Oh and on a side not if you have to deal with one of those sparkly gay Twilight vampires slap the bitch in the face.

8. REMEMBER TO CHECK YOU'RE AMMO

If you find yourself locked in a house with a horde of zombies trying to beat down you're door make sure you have enough ammunition to get the job done.

9. IF YOU'RE GOING TO EAT SOMEONES LIVER REMEMBER TO EAT IT WITH SOME FAVA BEANS AND A NICE CHIANTI 

10. IF YOU'RE BUDDY IS POSSESSED BY DEMONS REMEMBER TO BRING AN OLD PRIEST AND A YOUNG PRIEST

I don't really know why but it sounds like a good idea

(Disclaimer: the above words of wisdom won't guarantee you're ass won't get cut, possessed, or eaten alive. So if the shit hits the fan, don't blame me) 

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