A Day At The Spa

Today being my last full day in Tofino I needed to do something drastic to get in a better state of mind. While being close to the ocean and hardly any people around me has helped a lot it hasn't been enough to get me into that happy state of being where everything is wonderful and fucking magical, and elves are playing harps on the back of unicorns or some shit like that. So I did something I've never done in my life....went to the spa.

I know some guys out there would probably give me flak and call me a fairy or a sissy bitch for going, to them I say this.....FUCK YOU, YOU DONKEY RAPING SHIT EATER, I KNOW YOU SECRETLY WEAR YOU'RE MOTHERS CLOTHES. THAT DODGE HEMI YOU OWN DOESN'T MAKE YOU'RE DICK BIGGER EITHER ASSHOLE.........I mean errr go to hell.

So getting back on target here, yeah I went to the spa. Now being a virgin to the whole relaxation thingy I didn't know what to expect. First off guys there were hot blond chicks coming out of every corner, not a bad first impression I thought. While I was trying hard not to stare and look like a fucking perv I realised they were playing some Celtic type music, Enya or Enigma or something close to that, another good impression for a first timer since I like that kind of music when I need to chill out or sleep.

I'm talking with the receptionist about different types of treatments you can get, stuff like pedicures and manicures, some type of massage you can get with hot stones and something called hydrotherapy. At first I thought it would involve fighting one of the multi headed snake things, which doesn't sound very relaxing though it would be a shit load of fun if I get a machine gun. I sure as fuck don't want to go toe to toe with a giant multi headed fucking snake with a sharp pointy stick, or my math solving prowless. I'd get fucked up faster then a choir boy in prison. Fortunately I was totally wrong it's like some sort or hot tub thing with over a hundred jets, now I'm thinking "Hmmmmm hot tub plus hot blonde's equals good times had by all" So naturally that's the one I decided to go with.

I go to change into a bathrobe and await my therapy, and out walks this guy, well call him Hanz. Hanz tells me he'll be taking care of me............ummmm what the fuck happened to the hot blonde's? I counted no less then 5 of them, I'm sure they weren't all busy WHAT THE FUCK? I play it cool maybe one of the blonde's is getting the room ready or something. He brings me a copper tub full of hot water and marbles to help relax my feet before I hit the tub, which I gotta admit felt pretty good.

Now it comes time to hit the tub for some hydrotherapy. Hanz opens the door and was there some hot blond waiting for me......nope just a fucking candle lit room and a mammoth fucking contraction that looks like it could send me back in time (apparently this is the hot tub thingy) Hanz starts to give me the run down, explaining everything such as where the emergency button is if I should happen to drown, and where some water and ice is. I stop him in mid sentence look him square in the eye and ask him:

"Ummm you're not getting in this tub with me are you, because I didn't bring a bathing suit I don't think getting naked with another dude is going to make me very relaxed!"

Hanz laughs.......nervously, then tells me the tub is just for me and me alone (Thank fuck if Hanz got in there with me I would go ape shit in a second) Hanz sets the timer for twenty minutes and leaves me alone with the contraption.

I jump in not really knowing what I was in for, I've been in hot tubs before and those bathtubs that have jets and shit so I thought it was going to be something close to that.............NOT EVEN FUCKING CLOSE. In about two seconds I'm hit on all sides by about a dozen jets, it was all I could do to hold onto the handles, but fuck me did it feel good. The massive knots in my back and shoulders literally disappeared and after a couple seconds of getting adjusted to this machine I was able to start to relax. I even did something that I haven't done since just before new year's eve 2000 and fucking 9.........I actually had a smile on my face. After a few minutes it all became a blur as my ability to form coherent sentences was temporally lost and replaced by thoughts like:

" Me likey water........Ummmmmm....."
" Rubber ducky makey splashy ..........."
" Blahhhhhhhh...............Muhahahah......burp"
" Uhhhhh thwerwkhr.....eheh...........thkaksdthhtkehehrkfhkdfht.........what he said"

Then like a good dream it was over, you know the kind where you think you're James Bond and driving at mach fucking 10 in a Austin Martin with Pussy Galore (Fuck I love the names they used to give the Bond Girls such as Holly Goodhead, and Plenty O'Toole) then you wake up just before you get some. Now instead of taking my time and slowly getting out of the thing which is what I SHOULD have done, I literally jump out of the tube...........BAD FUCKING MOVE ON MY PART. Instantly I have the urge to puke, shit, and fall over at the same time.......AND I WAS FUCKING SOBER. My first step out of the tub and I dam near go face first into the tile floor. I then have to spend the next few minutes trying to dry off while holding onto the wall and holding the towel in my teeth as I try to pat myself dry, which meant a lot of dry humping the wall........yeah it wasn't pretty folks.

Now finally dressed and semi coherent I stumble out of the room to be greeted by Hanz in the hallway.

"Did you enjoy it?" He asked in a think German/ Austrian whatever the fuck accent. Sorry but every time he spoke all I could think about was black and white clips off Stuka dive bombers and Panzer tanks crushing Poland. I know that's wrong of me Germans and Austrians are wonderful people, they were just a little "Unhappy" between the years 1939 to 1945. Which brings me to my next point........DON'T PISS OFF THE GERMANS THERE DUE FOR A WIN.

And that my loyal stalkers followers is the tale of my trip to the spa. I'm not sure if I feel any more relaxed then when I started.............but hey it could have been worse.

Random Hottie Of This Post

Gloria Velez

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Live From Tofino It's Fuck You Friday

Greetings fuckers, you're probably wondering where the hell is Tofino it sounds like some kind of meat substitute poop people put in sandwiches. It's a little town on the west side of Vancouver island and it's where I'm getting some much needed rest from the bullshit of the mainland.

So without further delay here we go:

1st off FUCK YOU to the asshole who kicked my dog, I'm still pissed off about that even though that was a few days ago. You are a pathetic little bitch who kicks like a 5 year old girl. AND WHAT FUCKING GROWN MAN KICKS A MAN IN THE ASS ANYWAYS?

FUCK YOU to all the assholes who started to gather around because I was yelling at this asshole and started to give me shit. News flash it's none of your fucking business and unless you saw the whole thing keep you pie holes shut and walk away. You standing there telling me to stop picking on the guy isn't helping and you have no fucking clue.

FUCK YOU to the bitch in the black BMW who almost rammed into the front of my car. You were turning on a green light and I had the right of way, and yet you yell at me because you're brain dead. Put down the cell phone and pay attention you stupid cow. Besides driving and talking on a cell phone is illegal in BC bitch.

FUCK YOU to the cop who gave me a speeding ticked on the way to Tofino, sure you were nice enough and reduced the ticket. Sure you were nice enough to give me directions to the hotel. But fuck I was trying to pass a guy who was driving slower then old people fuck.

FUCK YOU to the nosey fucker who wants to ask me a million questions about my personnel life and then gets pissed because I don't answer any of them. MY LIFE IS NOT ANY OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS ASSHOLE.

FUCK YOU to all the assholes who gave me dirty looks as I went home the other night. Are you fucking kidding me, I really doubt any of you fuckers were even born in Canada and yet you look at me like I'm scum.

FUCK YOU to the homeless guy who sat his ass right beside my car and demanded change from everyone. Listen we all know you're just going to blow it on booze or drugs. And no I'm not going to give you my change not the first time you asked, not the second time, and especially not the third when you got in my face and demanded it. I am not a fucking bank or an ATM. If you were polite and respectful you would probably get some change. Yelling "Hey bitch you can spare a buck" to my friend or to all the women who passed by pretty much guarantees you're getting a boot in the ass not a quarter.

And that's all I have to say about that.

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Lucy Lawless

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Kick My Dog I Don't Think So

You ever have one of those days where it seems that the assholes of the world just want to fuck with you’re shit? Well today was one of those days for me. Now I have to admit the majority of the day went alright, I mean no goofy shit happened, no birds shit on me, and no assholes on a cell phone almost ran over me. However there was an ass clown who kicked my dog.


Yeah kicked my fucking dog……….you want me to do drill sergeant on you’re ass faster then a fat kid on a smartie, do something mean to my dog and see what happens.

Here’s how it went down:

Usually in the afternoon I like to take my dog for a quick walk before going home, my apartment doesn’t allow dogs so he stays with my ex until I can get a pet friendly place. I’m not even ten minutes from her place when I walk past some bitter middle aged ass fuck and his dumpy dorky looking wife (I think that was his wife). Anyways this guy is grouchy and bitching about who knows what, because he was swearing about something. As I’m walking past my dog catches the scent of something and gets closer to this asshole, who in turn boots my dog.

Now before you start to ask “Why didn’t you control you’re dog?’ he was on a four foot leash he moved only a few inches towards this guy. He’s also not a mean vicious looking animal, sure if he was a big 100 lb German Sheppard, or large breed dog like that I could understand the guy being startled and wanting that animal away from him. MY DOG IS 20 FUCKING POUNDS OF FLUFF FOR FUCK’S SAKE. He might be a foot and half tall if he stands on his back legs, AND HE AINT FUCKING VICIOUS. He’s a cross between a Shi Tzu, Cocker Spaniel, and Poodle, not exactly a Pit Bull for fuck’s sake.

When this turd kicked my dog he gave him a sharp boot that caused him to yelp, not loudly like he was started, but a low grunt yelp that I could tell hurt him. Needless to say I was fucking pissed off royally, I tried to keep my cool though I really did.

I calmly turned around looked this turd in the eye and asked him “Did you just kick my dog?”

Turd replied “Yeah I kicked you’re dog keep the little shit controlled, he’s out of control”

20 Fucking pounds is out of control?? What glue is this pussy bitch sniffing? I took a step closer and he tries to kick my dog a second time, this time as I’m watching him. Well………NOW I LOOSE MY SHIT. I get right in his face and yell at this turd not to fucking touch my dog. I go to point my finger in his face and he moves his face closer, this resulted in my finger scratching near his left eye and jabbing him in the eyeball which drew blood (not his eye but near it….the assholes eye is fine)

And guess what he does next?

He starts swearing and sissy kicking me like he’s a 5 year old girl trying not to get kooties, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME………YOU’RE LIKE 45 OR 50 YEARS OLD AND YOU KICK LIKE A BITCH, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?

I won’t lie I wanted to pound this shit’s face into the sidewalk and turn him into a greasy smear right in front of his wife and I wouldn’t loose a minute of sleep afterwards. I held back thought attempting to keep the higher ground, after all he was already bleeding from my finger of all fucking things I didn’t want to watch a grown man cry. I turn around to walk away in disgust, and guess what he does………HE KICKS ME IN THE ASS. Not only is this a cowardly move, but he kicks like a pussy bitch. I kicked harder when I was 5 then he did, he didn’t even get my jeans dirty.

I spin around and get right back in his face, something he wasn’t expecting. Also being about half a foot taller and much bigger then him this immediately scared him because he began to cower where he stood. I dared him to try to kick me again, he refused. I dared him three more times, each time that cowardly fuck back up, once almost tripping over his own feet. At this point his wife was saying shit in the background and a crowd had formed all yelling at me thinking I’m picking on some middle aged guy. Of course it’s easy for those fucks to yell at me because they don’t have a clue as to what’s going on, and only got interested because I was the loudest person out there.

I don’t fucking care how much money you have or how important YOU THINK YOU ARE you never……..NEVER kick somebody’s dog, not a harmless fluff ball like mine. All because he sniffed something near this assholes feet. Would it have been so fucking hard to say something like “Excuse me can you keep you’re dog away from me please.” Is that really so hard to do. Will his head burst into flames if he says something like that and tries to treat others with respect? If he had said something like that I would have had no problems with that at all, I would have even apologized for my dog’s actions. Instead he pissed off this ex army fucker who knows a thing or two about unarmed combat and has no problems with using those skills. AND I SURE AS HELL AM NOT GOING TO TAKE ANY SHIT FROM A PUSSY LITTLE PENCIL PUSHING BITCH. Even if he was a big guy my reaction would be the same, I don’t tolerate that kind of shit, not from anybody.

This is my dog, as you can see he's not exactly a vicious killer attack dog....he's a big fucking suck. Any asshole that wants to kick him has something wrong upstairs, and is going to be dealing with a very pissed off Wolf.

Random Hottie Of This Post

Scarlett Johansson

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And Now Another Edition Of Fuck You Friday

So here we are it's another Friday night, and the world is all fucking magical and elves are dancing and singing.....yeah fuck that shit I want napalm dropped on those little bastards from a fighter jet. It's been a busy week for this wolf, courses all manner of shit, some good, some bad, some well just meh. But I know I couldn't leave all my loyal STALKERS followers (all 2 of you) alone and scared, so here is another post to keep you going.

So here we go:

Fuck you to the fucking seagull who thought my head would be an excellent target to shit on. I was covered all over the place with bird shit that look like moldy milk and half chewed. Thanks you fucking shit hawk I really love being covered in you're fucking ass droppings. If you EVER land where I can catch you I'll hold you down and shit on you to give you a taste of what it feels like you feathered fuck.

Fuck you to the fat American family from the middle of nowhere Alabama who thought me being covered in shit was funny. 10 more feet ass wipes....10 more feet and you your fat cow of a wife, and you're little shit 14 year old offspring would be wearing it. By the way those ice cream bars that were dripping down your shirts arn't going to make you skinny.

Fuck you to the creepy weirdo on the mountain bike who started to sing to me about how you and you're brother have a million dollars in the bank. Let's get it clear asshole 1. I doubt your a millionaire 2. You smelled like piss and cheap booze 3. If you had a million dollars I don't give a rat's ass 4. Leave me the fuck alone.

Fuck you to the asshole who ran a red light and almost ran me over. Get you're head out of you're ass numb nuts. You missed me by an inch and you yell at me you shit stain, and you're confused why I wanted to punch you in the face..............good job dumb ass.

Fuck you to the three stuck up bitches who couldn't move one fucking foot over so I could get past them when I went for my last run. I know you saw me coming, I know you heard me say "Excuse me please", and you knew I had no fucking place to go but along the edge. But no you didn't move over so I had to otherwise I would have plowed right into you're stupid asses. In doing so I twisted my knee. Have you ever had a knee injury bitches, it's not fun.........I hope you get herpes.

Fuck you HST (Harmonized Sales Tax) which the province just brought in. My last grocery bill went up 20 bucks. I hope you plan on doing something useful with the money like...............anything but hookers and blow you crooked greedy shits.

And last but not least Fuck you to google keywords, are you fucking serious that people use the term "DON'T TURN THIS RAPE INTO A MURDER" to find my blog, really...wow or how bout "VANCOUVER GAY ESCORTS" what the fuck kind of game are you playing with me Google? Do I have to smack a search engine?

So that sums it up for this weeks Fuck you Friday, and now go make me a sandwich.

Random Hottie Of This Post

Beyonce

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It's New Video Time Kiddies

Okay people time once again for another little video brought to you by the fucker that is me, or as the French would say moi. This one is from one of my all time favorite movies The Terminator. The song is by ACDC and is called Big Gun, should be pretty easy to remember I would think. ACDC after all isn't known for overly complicated music. I also figure nothing goes as well together as an old school movie and some old school tunes

Hope you like it and let me know what you think. Also check out my other stuff on You Tube, there's a giant fucking You Tube button on the sidebar, if you can't find it you could be what they call "special". It's okay though I'm sure somebody will help you find you're baseball.



Random Hottie Of This Post

Maggie Q