Words Of Wisdom From The Wolf

I thought in this post I would share some of the wonderfully useful things that I've learned, either from first hand experience or from the antics of those close to me (I'll leave you to guess which ones I did)


If you're going on a date and you're date asks you if her dress/pants/whatever makes her ass look big, don't respond by saying "You're ass looks like 120 lbs of chewed bubble gum"

Text messaging and hand grenades don't mix.

I don't care how drunk you are, setting yourself on fire is never a smart move.

If somebody sets themselves on fire, or falls into a bonfire, make sure you take off anything that's made of fleece before you save their ass.

If you're going to tell a guy who's twice you're size that he should go home and have sexual relations with their cousin, brother, or mother........make sure you know how to fight first.

Never piss in the wind

Never piss on an electric fence

Never piss on someone who's taking a piss on an electric fence

Rockin out to MC Hammer in a Ford Topaz is never fucking cool, especially if you're white.

Though it may seem like a good idea at the time to save on laundry detergent.........NEVER turn you're underwear inside out to get a few more days use out of them, especially if there's some ass chocolate left on them.

Calling 9-1-1 to get directions to an adult video store is not considered an emergency.

If you're in the woods and a pissed off bear comes running after you, make sure you have a friend nearby so you can break their knee caps to escape.

When you get married you loose you're balls, you're sense of opinion, and you're soul. When you get divorced you don't always get these back

When the shit hits the fan, it's a good idea to have a rain coat and umbrella handy.

Just because people in beer commericals are having a good time, doesn't mean that when you crack open a cold one that hot women will surround you and want to party. You'll just end up getting drunk, sad, and Helga the one eyed bridge troll might take you home. Then when you wake up in the morning and see Helga, you'll have the urge to mix you're coffee with Drano.

Running from the cops is never a smart move for you, but fucking hilarious for those who are watching.

If you own a shitty car, don't make it worse by making you're own spoiler out of plywood and bookshelf brackets. This will not only do absolutely nothing to the performance of you're piece of shit car, it may in fact make it slower. But also everybody will laugh at you're pathetic attempt at customizing you're car.

Duct tape can be used for anything......and I mean anything.

If you think David Hasselhoff is a talented artist, you are seriously fucked in the head. If you think Britney Spears is an awesome singer, please bitch slap yourself. And if you're a fan of Justin Beiber, please play in traffic, preferably at a busy intersection and with a bus.

If you're happy and you know it GO FUCK YOURSELF.

There are only two occasions when it's a good idea to wear a Montreal Canadians jersey, in Montreal, and when their playing another team. If there not playing and you show up in their jersey, you deserve to be kicked in the junk.

The bigger the truck the smaller their penis is, and the greater the chance that they secretly love pink lacey underwear.

The first rule of anything is NEVER GET CAUGHT. If you get caught DENY DENY DENY, if that fails keep a shovel and some garbage bags in the trunk.

Vick's vapour rub does not feel good on you're balls. It's also highly not recommended to be used with a maxi pad to treat second degree burns. (Don't ask)

A vending machine does not make a good surf board.

NEVER EVER tell the cops that you have a dead hooker stuffed in a carpet back at you're place.

And that's all I have to say about that

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Katherine Heigl

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New Video Time

Don't really have a whole lot to say in this post just wanted to share the latest video I made. The song is a remixed version of Wanted Dead Or Alive remixed by Bon Jovi on the CD This Left Feels Right. The movie (In case you didn't know from the title)  is Tombstone. One of the best westerns made in a long time, and a million times better then the shitty Kevin Costner movie Wyatt Earp which came out a year before (1994 I think), Either way Kevin Costner sucks hairy goat balls and I want to punch that fucker in the face, I'm not even sure why but I feel that it's required.

 

Anyways hope you like and let me know what you think. Also if you haven't seen my other videos check out my YouTube channel. Also if you have an idea for one let me know.

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Danica Patrick

And Now Another Edition Of Fuck You Friday

It's that time once again folks, that special time when the weekend is about to begin. And that means it's timeto vent all the garbage and bullshit from this week. So without further delay here we go........enjoy.

FUCK YOU to the piss ant squirrel chipmunk or flying fucking monkey for shitting on me from a tree when I was going for a run. Because of you I am going to make it my mission to run each and every one of you little furry bastards over with a car, you fuckers are evil and I'm going to take great pleasure in squishing you're cute little faces under a car tire.

FUCK YOU to the mother with a screaming kid the other day when I went out for lunch. Really you're going to let you're kid scream at the top of their lungs while others are trying to enjoy their lunch and YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO A FUCKING THING ABOUT IT. Wow I can see you're really trying for that parent of the year award. Next time you're little demon spawn starts yelling shit in tongues TAKE THE FUCKER OUTSIDE AND SHUT HIM THE FUCK UP.

FUCK YOU to the creepy older guy who wouldn't stop starring at me when I was running yesterday. Do I fucking look like Pamela Anderson running on the beach slowly letting my blond hair flow in the breeze to the sound of the Baywatch theme song. NO I DO FUCKING NOT, nor will I be willing to undergo any type of operation to fulfill you're fantasy you sick fuck.

FUCK YOU to the crooked ass licker who parked so close to my car I almost couldn't get out. Are you that clueless that there is a car behind you, or do you just not give a flying fuck. If there wasn't a cop parked across the street I would have given that new BMW of yours some racing stripes with my car keys. And we all know racing stripes make any car faster.

FUCK YOU to the homeless guy who thought it would be a wonderful fucking idea to throw beer bottles at cars at 2 fucking am...............WHAT THE FUCK IS YOU'RE MAJOR MALFUNCTION NUMB NUTS, oh wait that's right you're homeless and probably coming of a crack high and are angry because you have to go back to panhandling and sucking cock behind a dumpster for spare change. Sucks to be you asshole.

FUCK YOU to the bitch who let the side door at the local mall almost hit me in the face. Really are you that fucking special that you can't hold a door for two precious seconds. My hands were full of groceries and they were fucking heavy, but instead you were too busy being a stuck up cow and too important to think about anyone else other then yourself.............I hope you get crabs and those crabs have herpes which means you'll have crabs and herpes and their all gonna laugh at you.

FUCK YOU to the spaced out shit turbine on roller blades reenacting you're favorite scenes from stars on ice in the middle of the fucking road. Really you want to dance, I'm cool with that BUT GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY OF TRAFFIC. Otherwise you can dance on somebodies windshield fucker.

There I have said my peace

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Grace Park

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Book Burning

I was reading on MSN this yesterday about a church that is going to be hosting a book burning of the Koran (Qur'an) down in Florida (Click here for the article) My question is this, why are people so fucking stupid? It's crap like this that leaves me with little to no faith on organized religion. But before you think this is a "Let's bash Christianity" rant it's not. Like I said in a previous post about religion (Click here to see it) I have no problem with religion, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, or the guys who think Jesus is an alien hiding behind the sun I don't care so long as you don't try to force you're belief on me it's all good.

That being said when I read this article I was fucking disgusted. First off what has burning books proved other then the people burning them are ignorant dumb fucks, so you don't like their beliefs and you think it's all a load of bullshit, fair enough. That's no excuse to burn books and insult another belief system. I bet these would be the same assholes crying foul if somebody took a truck load of Bibles and set them on fire on their front lawn. Of course these are the same type of people who thought that to cure witchcraft meant turning someone into a human match, good times had by all I assure you.

And people wonder why people in the Islamic world hate the west and America, it's boneheaded, ignorant and completely fucking ridiculous antics that are a slap in the face of the customs and beliefs of others, all because Allah is God spelt differently. Let's be honest both religions came from about the same part of the world, at about the same time, and include a lot of the same people and basic ideals.....and yet they can't seem to figure it out........WOW.

But the Muslims aren't getting a free fucking pass here either, YOU ASSHOLES NEED TO CHILL THE FUCK OUT. First off you scream "Death to America" and "The west is Satan" and other things along those lines and you wonder why we think you're a bunch of fucking nut jobs stuck in the dark ages. Here's an idea, take a deep breath pop a fuckin Xanex and chill the fuck out. Like those here in the west we have different beliefs and views on shit DEAL WITH IT AND MOVE THE FUCK ON.

I understand this is a big fucking insult to you're religion I've read some of the Koran and worked with Muslims so I have a basic understanding of you're faith (Very basic), but really it's one pathetic limp dick preacher trying to make a name for themselves. And just like those who bash other's blogs or leave high school shit comments on YouTube about somebody's video being gay and stupid it's all to get attention because mommy and daddy didn't love them enough and buy them a brand new fucking car for their sweet 16 birthday party. This preacher can't get attention by doing something noble such as raise money for the poor or help abused kids, so they have to resort to this crap. And like those shitty comments you should just grow the fuck up and ignore them not declare a fucking jihad and cut somebody's head off on TV.

How about we try something new, we all say a big collective FUCK IT and grow the fuck up and put this stupid religious fanatical crap aside and at least try to treat each other like human beings. I think that's maybe what all the world's religions fundamentally would want us to do anyway.

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Monica Bellucci

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Dating Sites

This weekend I've been house and dog sitting for a friend while they get to go off and do whatever the fuck it is they do. Hell for all I know they could be working for the CIA selling smack to Nazi's for all I know. This means that I get to use their big screen TV for PORN  watching TV and movies. When I haven't been watching zombie flicks I've been catching up on Family Guy and other shows I haven't seen in months because I don't own or plan on owning a TV again, but there's been something that's really been bugging me more then the usual crap they show, and that's the constant bombardment of fucking dating sites being advertised.

Is it honestly so fucking bad to be single that this has to be shoved down our visual gullets and make us all depressed because were alone? And it's pretty much all bullshit, take those online dating sites for example. They show clips of happy attractive people doing happy attractive things while they talk about how if you join up you can find true love. But what if you're not a twenty or thirty something, well they even show a couple clips of older attractive happy people riding bikes or walking on the beach, A WHOLE LOT OF HAPPY BULLSHIT. The reality is while there are normal people looking for something real and legit, it's pretty much an online pub. If you're a woman you get wave after wave of assholes who are greasy, full of themselves trying their best pick up lines or emailing you pics of their junk. If you're a guy you send out message after message only to be rejected time and time again. It doesn't matter how good you look, or how nice you are, because all the greasy assholes have been firing off messages one after another.

Then you have the ads for the chat line dating sites, these ones really piss me the fuck off. These usually involve some chick in skimpy clothes with a big rack dancing around, or lying on a bed in the same skimpy clothes or lingerie and having a fake conversation into a telephone while smiling like a fucking idiot. How much you want to bet that bitch is ordering pizza on that phone? Then she tells you that you can have loads of fun and talk to "real people" for only 9.99 a minute. Of course to entice the ladies they usually have some buff hairless dude with wavy hair giving the same speal but usually in less words (Because it's all about the T & A not schlong)

Now I'm not a rocket scientist or astro re-fuckulator matician but I'm willing to bet the chance of talking to that hot blond woman or some other equally hot woman is slim to fucking none. Chances are good she'll probably look like a toad, or be completely fucking mentally unhinged (Think Glen Close from Fatal Attraction kinda unhinged) Either way it leads to a big fucking disappointment except for those making the money on the poor suckers who call these sites.

Did I mention I hate TV

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Jamie Pressly

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