Battle Shits

This morning was a very shitty one literally, here’s how it went down. At approximately 09:45 hrs pacific mountain time I felt the need to do some paper work. So off I wonder to the can to discover one of my house guests who’s from out of town didn’t flush the toilet. No big deal right, well that’s what I thought at first. So before I do my thing I decide to flush the old shit down, I don’t want cross contamination after all, and that as they say is when the shit hit the fan, literally. The toilet backed up bubbling up a slew of shit chunks and brown water, I know yummy right.
At this stage of the game things weren’t too bad……this was however the calm before the storm. So doing the next logical thing I went to the storage room and got ye old trusty bucket and plunger, not the traditional type this one has a pump for that little extra push. I stuck it deep in the shit and began to pump away. After a few good pumps it sounded like it was draining and the water actually started to recede. Feeling victories I flushed to wash it down to wherever the shit goes.

That’s when the shit bomb went off, not only did it back up it came back with a vengeance spewing shit from the bowels of hell itself. To try to stem the tide I rapidly shoved the plunger back in. This time because there was so much water and crap coming up then when I tried to pump the plunger I was getting an oh so tasty back spray of shit, chunks of toilet paper and what appeared to be the remains of several carrots all had my name on it. With every couple of punks a spray of this fine mess would soak my clothes, I wasn’t officially grossed out until something stringing was spayed in my hair, at least nothing went my mouth.

Finally the toilet demon relented and it began to drain normally. It was like waking up from a bad dream or surviving a horror movie only I was left covered in someone else’s shit as well as about half of the bathroom. After I cleaned up myself and the bathroom I ran into my roommate. Did I get a thank you for clearing their mess; did I get a high five and a well done pat on the back for actions under fire? You guessed it not even a fucking thank you. Instead she gives me shit for using too much paper towel and Lysol. Are you fucking kidding me, she drops the shit to end all shits in my bathroom, doesn’t flush it down and then gives me shit for being “environmentally unfriendly”

But I’m not bitter :)


Random Hottie Of This Post

Sarah Michelle Gellar

Don’t Turn This Rape Into A Murder And Other Bad Pickup Lines

Okay we’ve all done and said some pretty stupid things I’ll be the first to admit it. But one thing that always cracks me up is seeing some wannabe player at a bar or club trying to pick up a girl he likes. Most of the time these dumb asses are young guys who are fresh out of high school so you can almost forgive their dumb remarks as lack of experience in a social environment. That being said there are those who even in their 40’s use lines that leave you scratching your head and wondering “What the fuck was that ?”.
The title of this post is one such pick up line I saw being used at some country bar in Edmonton Alberta a few years ago. Now Edmonton isn’t exactly a high class place, but it’s not a shit smear either, well maybe sorta but that’s for a different post. Anyways this was back in my army days and this clown was one of the guys I worked with. I’m not sure how to describe him without revealing his identity so I won’t. Anyway after a couple hours of Tequila and god knows what else he decides he’s going to try his luck with the ladies. He scans the bar while trying to keep from falling on his ass and spots an attractive blonde (Well I think she was attractive I was pretty hammered at that moment myself) he staggers up to here, grabs her by the shoulder and yells while spitting in her face “Hey bitch don’t make me turn this rape into a murder !”

Your probably thinking at this point that she was shocked and slapped him in the face, then a bouncer or two hauled his ass out the door. WRONG she went home with him, can you fucking believe it, she actually wanted to go home with this guy which leave me wondering what her mental capacity is. And while this line worked for him, chances are good it won’t for you, it may land you in jail where some giant buffed guy the call “Tiny Tim” will take special interest in you because you look so darn purdy.

Another guy I knew would use quotes from Full Metal Jacket. Now while I think this is one of the best movies ever and can recite most of the lines in that movie, telling some girl she’s so ugly she could be a modern art masterpiece and that she wouldn’t have the common curtsey to give a reach around probably won’t get you in her good books or back to her place.

Then there was the wannabe Scotsman when he started drinking. This fat tub of ass after two beers would suddenly think he was Sean Connery. This puke piece of shit would go up to women and start spewing off in a fake Scottish accent. The odd part was…..he was French.

My personal favourite was from this guy I’ll call “Tim” not his real name or even close to it by the way. This guy already had a strike against him as a chronic liar; he once told me he was a formula one race car driver, WWE wrestler and 200 pounds over weight all at once. He would approach women and use all sorts of stories to get them to go home with him. One of my favourites was that he would pretend he played in the NHL for (Insert whatever team was playing against the Edmonton Oilers that night here) There was only one problem with this plan. Most people who are at the bars in Edmonton are watching the hockey game, so it’s just a little difficult to say you’re the star forward for whatever team when the real star forward just scored a goal.

As for me I’ve never used cheesy pick up lines or made up stories to try to get a girl interested in me. Personally I think it’s completely fucking stupid, I mean seriously whatever happened to just going up to a girl and saying hi is that so fucking hard these days?

Random Hottie Of This Post

Lucy Liu

Fat Chicks And Gay Dudes

Riddle me this, I don’t know what the hell it is but there are two groups of people who seem really into me. Those two groups are gay men and fat women. What the fuck am I doing to attract these two types? First off I’m straight and no I’m not into chubby chasing. While I have no problem if a girl has a couple extra pounds I do have a problem when they have a couple hundred extra. It doesn’t seem to matter if I look grubby looking, clean cut, pissed off, shit faced, or in any other state of disappear. It’s gotten to the point in some cases where I’ll be minding my own business and BAM some humungous woman just gave me the ole reach around technique. At first I’m flattered and surprised, then I turn around and like those Nazi’s from Raiders of the lost Ark my face melts as I stand there screaming.
And it doesn’t end at the bars either. When I was living in Edmonton they would be out in full force when I was working as well. There was even one occasion where two of them started making out with each other in an attempt to gain my attention. The description that best describes this incident is that off two rather large hams left out in the sun for a couple of days. Then placed together in a large Ziploc freezer bag and left to fester for lets say about a week. Then after al the yummy juices start flowing take that bag with the hams still inside and start provocatively rubbing them together while singing Seal’s Kiss From A Rose………disturbed yet? I know I am…….who wants ham?

The other group are gay men, now before you start thinking that I’m going to bash them let me stop you right there. I have no problem with people who are gay or lesbian, that’s their choice and I don’t care. Most of them are pretty decent people to boot. But it’s that one percent that pisses me off royally. The aggressive “Oh If I grab this guy’s ass they’ll want me” type.

The last time I had this happen was just before the winter Olympics. I was in line to pick up some tickets. There was a massive line because of the few tellers working. So there I am minding my own business and about 20 minutes into the wait I feel something brush up behind me. Thinking nothing of it since the line was pretty tight I simply ignored it and tried to move out of the way. Then the fun begin, about five minutes later I feel a full on ass grab. Stunned I turned around to find not some girl but a short hairy fat French guy smiling at me and batting his eyes at me. Well I fucking loose it; I grab the guy by the throat and slam him against the concrete wall. Two cops break it up all while a Japanese film crew was doing a news broadcast.

Needless to say that was a pretty crappy day.


Random Hottie Of This Post

Halle Berry

WTF Is With YouTube

The other day I made a little video, it was a music video to one of my favourite movies of all time Mad Max (If you haven’t seen it it’s the first movie before The Road Warrior) Anyways the song I used was Highway To Hell by ACDC one of my favourite bands even though all their stuff sounds exactly the same as every other song they’ve done all 13 albums and counting worth. Naturally I decided to post the video on YouTube to share it and hopefully get some attention to my website The Razors Edge.

Now here is where it really pisses me off, after only 15 minutes after it was uploaded I get an email stating that there is copyright infringement on the video. I think to myself “Okay no biggie I have other stuff on here and people can still see it. So I go ahead and post it on my other blog ( Beyond The Wire ) and go off to doing what I normally do which is try to take over the world……well not exactly just thought that would sound more interesting then sitting on the computer and going to the gym.


Today while checking stuff out I went to my other blog to see if my video was working, it wasn’t. I was greeted with a little message saying the video has been banned worldwide, now I’m thinking to myself “C’est ca Fuck” that’s French for what the fuck.


Going onto YouTube I discovered that sure enough it’s been banned I can’t even view it on my channel page, now I’m really pissed. First I made another video to ACDC’s shoot to thrill, the only difference between the two songs is that one is song by the late great Bon Scott who was the original front man of ACDC and the other isn’t. The video to Shoot To Thrill has no copyright infringement and can be viewed by everyone and their dog while the other one can’t.


What in the name of Zeus’s butt hole is wrong with YouTube and their copyright infringement rules? Don’t they realize that if fans make these videos were actually helping them generating interest and possibly sales for these movies and bands? These fan made videos aren’t for profit, mine does display a link to my website but it’s not a clickable link and it’s in the end credits as a suggestion not in your face or popping up in your way, which is something that a lot of other users on their do.


And where does this copyright infringement end and original content begin anyways? Does this mean if I do a really shitty karaoke version of the same song that it’ll be banned because I was singing that song? What about the music video parodies that fans make of various videos to get a laugh, do those have to be banned because their using music that’s not theirs? And frankly isn’t the idea of these sites to share video’s of all manner of content with other people? I fail to understand why their logic if they have any.


Either way I promptly removed the video and switched it to Metacafe which is awesome, I had no problems downloading it, no problems with copyright crap, and no annoying emails telling me that they can ban my videos at a moments notice without any warning or provide any reason for it. My final thought

Mad Max Highway To Hell - Watch more funny videos here

 
 
 
Random Hottie Of This Post
 

Alyssa Milano

Chick Flicks Make Me Want To Kill

How many of you out there have to watch boring pointless girlie movies, you know the ones like The Notebook, Vanity Fair, and Pride and Prejudice all fucking 5 versions including the extra long, extra boring, and extra bad teeth British version. I shudder to think about all the hours wasted on these movies when I could have done something more productive such as watching Chuck Norris movies, mentally undressing the girl I saw at the gym with the great rack, and basket weaving. But no I had to watch these brain liquefying movies with my ex and listen to her get all weepy about the characters and their love for each other. It was enough to make me want to stab out my eyes with my own thumbs because the kitchen knives were too far away.
Two stand out for me that were the worst of the worst, ones that should be used to interrogate Nazi war criminals and terrorists in Guantanamo bay Cuba. Those two are The Notebook and second Twilight movie (I haven’t seen the first Twilight movie fortunately)

If the creator of these movies should ever happen to read this blog know this, I will find you and I will break you……….severely.

For starters sparkling vampires WTF they don’t sparkle like some pixie they explode, bust into flames, and make wonderful popping and hissing noises in the process. And second why when you have Rachael McAdams in your movie did you not get her naked and not use clever camera angles to hide all the good bits you bastard. I spent an hour and a half hoping to see something, anything, but no and for that I wept inside.

Oh and on another note for those of you fortunate to haven’t seen Brokeback Mountain yet, don’t fall for the line that it’s a western, Tombstone is a western, The Good The Bad And The Ugly is the ultimate western, Brokeback Mountain will leave you hiding under the living room table in the fetal position begging for the bad DVD player to stop


Random Hottie Of This Post

Denise Richards