Sunday, March 28, 2010

Don’t Turn This Rape Into A Murder And Other Bad Pickup Lines

Okay we’ve all done and said some pretty stupid things I’ll be the first to admit it. But one thing that always cracks me up is seeing some wannabe player at a bar or club trying to pick up a girl he likes. Most of the time these dumb asses are young guys who are fresh out of high school so you can almost forgive their dumb remarks as lack of experience in a social environment. That being said there are those who even in their 40’s use lines that leave you scratching your head and wondering “What the fuck was that ?”.
The title of this post is one such pick up line I saw being used at some country bar in Edmonton Alberta a few years ago. Now Edmonton isn’t exactly a high class place, but it’s not a shit smear either, well maybe sorta but that’s for a different post. Anyways this was back in my army days and this clown was one of the guys I worked with. I’m not sure how to describe him without revealing his identity so I won’t. Anyway after a couple hours of Tequila and god knows what else he decides he’s going to try his luck with the ladies. He scans the bar while trying to keep from falling on his ass and spots an attractive blonde (Well I think she was attractive I was pretty hammered at that moment myself) he staggers up to here, grabs her by the shoulder and yells while spitting in her face “Hey bitch don’t make me turn this rape into a murder !”

Your probably thinking at this point that she was shocked and slapped him in the face, then a bouncer or two hauled his ass out the door. WRONG she went home with him, can you fucking believe it, she actually wanted to go home with this guy which leave me wondering what her mental capacity is. And while this line worked for him, chances are good it won’t for you, it may land you in jail where some giant buffed guy the call “Tiny Tim” will take special interest in you because you look so darn purdy.

Another guy I knew would use quotes from Full Metal Jacket. Now while I think this is one of the best movies ever and can recite most of the lines in that movie, telling some girl she’s so ugly she could be a modern art masterpiece and that she wouldn’t have the common curtsey to give a reach around probably won’t get you in her good books or back to her place.

Then there was the wannabe Scotsman when he started drinking. This fat tub of ass after two beers would suddenly think he was Sean Connery. This puke piece of shit would go up to women and start spewing off in a fake Scottish accent. The odd part was…..he was French.

My personal favourite was from this guy I’ll call “Tim” not his real name or even close to it by the way. This guy already had a strike against him as a chronic liar; he once told me he was a formula one race car driver, WWE wrestler and 200 pounds over weight all at once. He would approach women and use all sorts of stories to get them to go home with him. One of my favourites was that he would pretend he played in the NHL for (Insert whatever team was playing against the Edmonton Oilers that night here) There was only one problem with this plan. Most people who are at the bars in Edmonton are watching the hockey game, so it’s just a little difficult to say you’re the star forward for whatever team when the real star forward just scored a goal.

As for me I’ve never used cheesy pick up lines or made up stories to try to get a girl interested in me. Personally I think it’s completely fucking stupid, I mean seriously whatever happened to just going up to a girl and saying hi is that so fucking hard these days?

Random Hottie Of This Post

Lucy Liu


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