Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Bad Smells, Old People, And Plastic In My Soup

I thought this morning when I woke up "This is it, the curse is broken" It seems like my whole life odd fucked up annoying things have been an almost constant norm for me. For the last week things however have been for the most part normal, normal enough to make me think that perhaps my life has hit a turning point. Turns out I was way fucking wrong, I think God, or Zeus or whoever runs the show upstairs was on a break trying to bang the receptionist. Either way it's back on in full force.
It started no less then five minutes after I woke. I look outside my window to see what the weather is going to be like only to see some homeless guy leaned up against the dumpster playing with his little hobo for the viewing pleasure of everyone who has an apartment facing into the alley.......fucking awesome I know, just what everyone wants to see at 7 in the morning is some dirty middle aged homeless guy jerking off and talking to himself. I go onto the balcony and tell the fucker to take it somewhere else (preferably somewhere where I will never be)

Thinking the worst is over I go to my friends place to run some errands and go for lunch. I don't know what the fuck died in her building but almost everywhere apart from the front smelt like a combination of vinegar, old man feet, and sweaty ass. But what was really odd was that nobody seemed to notice it, I mean fuck it was so strong it could choke a donkey, it was making my eyes water especially in the parking lot. I'm thinking either people are trying to ignore it OR I FUCKING STINK. After a quick awkward sniff check I concluded it wasn't me. And as bad as it was it disappeared just as quickly. After an hour it was I'm being stalked by a ghost that smells like shit, just my luck.

Then it's off for some lunch. We go to some little hole in the wall Chinese restaurant that normally serves pretty good food. Today though somebody I think wanted me dead. I'm almost finished my soup when I almost choke on something hard (get you're mind out of the gutters fuckers I don't swing that way) I spit it out and there is a large chunk of clear plastic sitting on the table. What the fuck plastic are you kidding me, who was the twinkled toed little fuck who thought slipping me some plastic was a great fucking idea. Accident or not those bastards are lucky that I didn't choke on it, and that I know how to do the Heimlich or however it's spelt on myself. And if I couldn't get it out, before I die I would make dam sure at least one of those cooks is gonna die.

It was off to get some grocery's next........WHAT A CLUSTER FUCK. The whole place was packed full of dull eyed zombie assholes staggering around looking for kidney's beans, spinach, and cat food. One thing I've learned when old people go grocery shopping is that they become super aggressive. One old bitch who was close to 90 I'm guessing rammed me three times with her cart even though I couldn't move. She even called me an asshole.....what the fuck? If granny wasn't so old I would have rammed my cart right back into her. And if they weren't hitting me with their cart they would stand right in the middle of the fucking aisle and drool away as they comprehended the fucking price of a can of chicken soup. I mean fuck EITHER GRAB THE FUCKING SOUP OR MOVE ON YOU BROKE DICK FUCK NUT.

And it didn't end once I got out of the grocery store either, a horde of them tried to push their way into the tiny elevator that goes to the parking lot. We all somehow manage to fit, but once we get to our floor, even though they had to get off to they just stand their confused and bitchy. They literally just stood their with this dazed confused glare on their faces. I had enough at this point and fucking snapped. I bash my way passed the fuckers, I don't care how old they were, or frail at this point it was game fucking on, I have patience but not that much fucking patience.

Yeah the gods are up to their bullshit with me as per usual

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Monday, September 27, 2010

Porn VS Real Life

Okay before I write another thing let's be honest, we have all seen really bad cheesy porn at some point in out lives. If you say you haven't chances are pretty good you're either full of shit, or for some reason worried that others will think you're some sort of pervert. Whacking off outside some girl's bedroom as she's getting changed.......that's perverted, the occasional porn is not (depending on what you're watching)

Getting back on topic here you know those cheesy porn flicks (I know you know what I'm talking about) the ones where some situation that is common place results in two or more and perhaps a donkey getting it on like some freaky monkeys with rabies. Yeah too bad real life sucks dick, and not the way you want it to either fuckers.

So I thought I'd put together a little list of things that happen in porn and compare them to what would probably happen in real life.

 The Plumber / Cable Guy (Porn)

Some stunningly hot and very skimpily dressed woman calls a plumber because the sink is jammed, or perhaps she needs the cable installed. She calls a service person. Minutes later so hunky guy shows up, makes some cheesy comments about "laying some pipe" and half ass attempts to fix the woman's sink, or install the cable. All the while she's getting........well excited, this results in them getting their freak on.

The Plumber / Cable Guy (Real Life)

You're toilet clogs up because you gave birth to a shit demon and it won't die. Or perhaps you just moved into a new home and want the cable hooked up so you can order up some pay per view porn. You call up the appropriate service person only to wait for fucking ever to talk to a real person instead of those fucking annoying robot bitches. You finally get through to some ass clown who can barley speak English.

After all that you wait a fucking year for them to show up, when they do is it some hot guy.......NOPE IT'S SOME OLD CREEPY GUY WITH A MASSIVE BEER GUT THAT'S FORCING HIS PANTS DOWN. You shudder in horror ever time you look over to find his ass crack smiling back at you like that fucked up girl from the Exorcist. After an hour of swearing, banging noises, and hacking sounds from his 4 pack a day smoking habit, he tells you that he doesn't have the right part, has to come back later, and it's going to cost you extra................I know fucking awesome.

The Job Interview (Porn)

Some guy goes into an office that strangely looks like somebodies spare bedroom. The boss is a smoking hot woman in a blouse that would rip apart if she sneezed because it's so tight. She tells the guy he "meets all the qualifications" and then proceeds to pounce on him and literally fuck his brains out.

Job Interview (Real Life)

You go to some office tower resume in hand hoping to get a job. You're nervous as hell and the receptionist is looking at you like you enjoy drowning kittens. Finally the interviewer comes to get you. Once in the office they then begin to grill you over all manner of shit related to you're work experience, you're hobbies, and you're goal aspirations.

After about an hour of being uncomfortable, grilled over, and sized up like a piece of fucking meat they tell you you're not qualified for the job and then give it to the next fucker behind you who was busy picking their nose the whole fucking time, but because his daddy and the boss are golfing buddies he gets the job regardless of their skills.

Caught Being A Perv (Porn)

You're at home watching T.V. You look out the window and see the hot M.I.L.F (Mother I'd Like To Fuck in case you don't know what that means) getting undressed in front of a mirror and checking herself out. Naturally you sneak over to her window and start beating the little soldier. After a minute or so she turns around to see you there in all you're glory starring at her. Naturally she becomes aroused and let's you in to get some.

Caught Being A Perv (Real Life)

Everything happens the exact same way as above, only when she turns around she's not impressed by you're sword handling skills........SHE'S FUCKING PISSED AND FREAKED THE FUCK OUT. After some frantic screaming and grabbing anything that will cover her she calls the cops. Obviously she knows who you are so there's really no point in running, their just going to be waiting for you when you have to come back. You get arrested and thrown in jail where some giant black guy named Bunny and some white skin head biker pass you back and forth between their bunks for some "cuddling". At this point you pray for death.

I don't know about you but real life really fucking sucks.

Random Hottie Of This Post

Brandy Grace

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Saturday, September 25, 2010

Weekend Site Shout Out

I'm going to try something a little different on here. Every weekend (Well ever one when I have the time) I'm going to give a little shout out to a blog or website. This site won't be something that's on my blog roll, just something I've found in my random searches that I thought was worthy enough to share with you fuckers. There won't be any criteria or theme apart from it being something that I think you might find interesting.

The first site for this Saturday's shout out goes out to a friend of mine (I know it's not exactly random but it still counts so bite me fuckers) And being that he's helped give me ideas for videos, new editing software, and blog topic ideas it seems like the logical first step. The site JS Johnson Film is dedicated to showcasing his projects as a filmmaker here in Vancouver, upcoming projects, and all manner of stuff related to the film industry.

Here's a clip from one of his previous films.

So go check it out, who knows this fucker could be famous in a couple years. If you have a site or blog you want shouted out leave a link in the comments and a short description of you're site. But before you send me a link there are some rules.

1. If you're already on my blog roll or linked up to my site already then you don't count, this is for new blogs and websites only.

2. It has to be something interesting, I'm pretty open to the topic but if you're site is about how you collect dryer lint all fucking day and turn it into little wood land creatures that you talk to because you're life is sad and every day you pray for death.........don't link up. If I wouldn't read it I sure as fuck am not going to recommend to those who visit here.

That's pretty much it for the rules.

Random Hottie Of This Post

Sarah Chalke

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Friday, September 24, 2010

Fuck You Friday Time

It's time once again folks for another edition of FUCK YOU FRIDAY. Because I took a little time off last week this one is going to be a little long, I have to cover two weeks worth of things that pissed me off. And while the crazy fucked up antics kinda dwindled down to what could almost pass for a normal routine, there was still enough to fill buckets. So here we go.

FUCK YOU to the guy in the black Audi who loves to shove hampsters up his ass. You friggin moron when the light changes and people are trying to cross the cross walk (namely myself and a retired couple) look both ways before you speed into it. Do you know how fucking close you came to running into all three of us.....oh yeah that's right you were too busy being a stupid fuck and not pay attention to what was going on around you. Well cock jaws you missed me by about 3 or 4 inches, which is probably 2 inches bigger then you're dick you fucking idiot.

FUCK YOU to the one recruiter who thought a great opportunity for employment for me pays only 11 dollars an hour...........I AM NOT 15 YEARS OLD ASS NUGGET. I am 31 now I need to make more then that to be able to eat, live in my apartment, and maybe do something like buy a coffee once in awhile. 11 dollars an hour gives me just enough to either

A. Keep my apartment and starve, have no Internet or phone, or money for anything or
B. Live on the street and be able to eat

Fuck with those options I'll be able to buy a tent and live in Stanley Park, yeah fuck that.

FUCK YOU to the bitch with the IPod shoved up here ass and her face buried in a crackberry. You walk right down the middle of the sidewalk and then when you bump into someone because you're too out of it to realize you should be paying attention, you get snotty and tell me to watch where I'm going. Sorry but it's kinda fucking hard to get out of you're way you;re majesty when I'm surrounded by people and have nowhere to move, so eat a dick and pull you're IPod out of you're ass.

FUCK YOU to the countless waves of aggressive strung out pan handlers who think there's an ATM neon sign above my head. I am not you're fucking bank, I well never be you're fucking bank. And the fact that you're homeless is probably the result of you not saying no to drugs.

FUCK YOU to the skunk that almost sprayed me last week. Hey you furry little fuck why the hate? I was leaving you alone and you stick you're tail up at me like you're going to spray some of that foul shit at me. Fine you want to play that way, let's see you spray me with a boot up you're ass. You're not on the endangered species list so you're fair game asshole.

FUCK YOU to all the fuckers on that big fancy yacht in the harbour the other night when I was taking my dog out for a walk. Do I look like a fucking clown is that why you were laughing at me? Really you're adults so fucking act like it.

FUCK YOU to all the companies that say "We need people to fill positions" and then when I send you my resume I never hear back from you. I also love the fact that you're not only bumping up the required basic skills to get these positions with you're company, but that you're also dropping the wages for those positions as well. Let's see fuck sticks this time last year those jobs you posted were between 17 to 20 an hour, now 15 maximum if you have a degree and 5 years of fucking rocket science experience under you're belt, just so you work at some fish plant cutting fish.

FUCK YOU to the anal retentive sperm dumpster who was trying to have a conversation on you're phone and order some food, but couldn't make up you're mind so instead you just fucking shout business related shit. Last time I checked THE FUCKING UNIVERSE DOES NOT......... I REPEAT DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU. Shut off you're phone, place you're order, and get the fuck out of my life.

FUCK YOU to the guy who tried to start up a conversation by saying "Wow it's sure wet out today?" when I was running this morning. Really??? No fucking shit Einstein, next you're going to tell me water is made from water......fucking brilliant. Let me make this simple for you to comprehend. If I wanted to talk to you I would have, when I'm running I don't want to talk to you, not unless I'm having a fucking heart attack. I know you were trying to be nice. But don't jump in front of me to talk to me because you feel lonely, let me be asshole.

FUCK YOU to the middle aged woman in the BMW SUV who gave me the evil eye while having her coffee while parked at Blockbuster. What do you think I'm going to steal you're car and possibly rape you or something? Do you want to be raped? Seriously I'm minding my own business returning some movies and you're staring at me like I just killed you're kids or something.

That's all for now have a great weekend. And remember duct tape is the handy man's secret weapon

Random Hottie Of This Post

Jenna Dewan

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Thursday, September 23, 2010

New Video Time

Here's my newest video I wanted to share with you, it's a tribute to The Terminator movies but kind of from the perspective of the terminators and Sky-Net who want to destroy mankind. The song is about the story of Samson and Delilah who betrayed him and was featured in the first episode of the second season of Terminator The Sarah Conner Chronicles. In that episode the terminator sent to protect John Conner suffers a glitch and reverts back to her old program when she tries to kill him so the machines can take over.

It's sung by Shirley Manson the former lead singer of the band Garbage and in my opinion has the sexist fucking singing voice on the planet...........well until the fucking machines try to kill us all in a nuclear holocaust

I'm not big on the whole biblical stuff but I thought the story was interesting here's a link I found if about it in case you're curious

Hope you enjoy the video

Random Hottie Of This Post

Kristanna Loken

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

New Reality Show Ideas

I've come to the realization that no matter how much I bitch about these annoying reality shows it looks like their here to stay, I guess I don't have much pull with those ass clown network execs. Since they want to keep these on T.V I thought I would throw out some ideas, to make these shows watchable and a lot more entertaining then the typical high school drama and popularity contests that most of these types of shows tend to be.

Here are my ideas

1. Replace Survivor with Land Mine Island

I got this idea from the show Robot Chicken (Fucking outstanding show by the way), here's my twist on it. Keep the idea of random Joe Blow fuckers going to some scenic tropical paradise. Make them get dirty, eat bugs, throw shit at each other, and bitch about so and so not being a team player or a back stabbing bitch...........but have landmines everywhere. And not you're run of the mill anti-personnel mines but Bouncing Betty's, these are the ones that shoot about a foot or two in the air and then explode. Their soul purpose is to fuck you're shit up but no necessarily kill you, just remove you're legs and balls and make you wish you were dead.

And having mines everywhere keeps it random, you don't know when some jack ass is going to get it. They could be going to the pee tree, or on the way to tribal council........and BAM no legs. Ah I can smell an Emmy.

2. Replace Dancing With The Stars with Dances With Pit Bulls While Covered In Meat

Instead of watching bottom barrel celebs dance and smile like stupid fucks, have them dance in a pit full of starving pit bulls while covered in raw meat. I'd love to see one of those fuckers try to do the waltz while fending off a vicious attack dog.

3. Replace The Apprentice with The Apprentice Gladiator Style

Same idea "The Donald" gathers a bunch of brown nosing ass lickers in expensive suits who compete to work for the worst comb over in the world. But instead of bullshit tasks such as sell ice cream to rich fuckers near Wall Street, or some other shit to raise money for some multi million dollar company, have them square off in an arena. Let them keep their suits and briefcases but give them a knife, sword, or pointy stick and have them fight it out for glory and possibly a job. If both survive the fight throw a fucking lion into the mix.....good times had by all.

4. Replace America's Next Top Model with Make That Skinny Model Bitch Eat A Cheeseburger

For this idea totally scrap the whole model thing, you know the posing, photo shoots, and bitch fests, and what not. Instead take a bunch of skinny bitchy models who won't shut the fuck up, strap them in front of a bench and force feed cheeseburgers down their throat. And not just any burger, but the old fashioned greasy burgers you get at McDonald's, the kind you crave when you have a hangover and no time else. This show would have no winners just wave after wave of these annoying bitches getting force feed until they puke.

5. Replace America's Got Talent with Every Time Howie Mandel Speaks Slap That Bitch

The idea is simple keep the show pretty much the same except that every time Howie Mandel Speaks circus music starts to play and random people walk up and bitch slap that fucker into next week. For the record I hate that creepy bald headed germaphobic anal trucker. This happens for at least two minutes until that fucker is either knocked out, or crying and wetting his panties under that desk, at which point the normal show resumes.

6. Replace Hell's Kitchen with Gordon Ramsey Screaming At Every Living Thing

Okay let's be honest most of those who watch this reality show do so because of Gordon Ramsey going ape shit on the contestants, which by the way is fucking hilarious as hell........well at least to me.

Instead of confining Gordon to just a single kitchen she shows up everywhere. They give that fucker a car and point him in a general direction and let him go nuts for an hour. He could show up at a high school calling cheer leaders "fucking donkeys" or a seniors retirement home yelling at grandma. We don't know where he's going to end up, but you know it's gonna fucking rock.

7. Replace American Idol with a please stand by station signal followed by random static and distorted clips of previous seasons of American Idol, but too distorted to really make out anything.

Think of it like when you were 14 and trying to watch a porn on pay per view and it's all distorted and you might see a green warped boob now and then. The tween's who normally watch this show will be all panicky because they won't know what to do and will spend an hour playing with their T.V's in futile frustration. Then they'll go on Twitter and complain and talk about Twilight or some stupid shit like that.

8. Replace Big Brother with Big Brother In The Hot Box

Take the contestants out of their comfortable cozy house and throw them deep in the jungles of Vietnam or Cambodia at some prison camp like in the Chuck Norris Missing In Action movies (Those are fucking awesome by the way). There they'll be met by Hon, the brutal prison camp commandant who will volunteer them to such wonderful team building games like "fend off starving monkeys with a shoe", and "hey let's make some knock off Niki t-shirts for fat cat American imperialists" I know sounds fun right? And of course dozens of cameras are everywhere capturing everything for you're viewing pleasure.

Of course some might try to escape or fuck up royally and be shoved in a nice tiny metal box in the blistering heat for long hours. I think this might be a good choice to start the summer line up.

That's all the ideas I have for now because my head hurts and I need to poop.

Random Hottie Of This Post

Amy Adams

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Bitch In Training

Last night I decided to go to Blockbuster to rent some movies. I don't know about other places, but in Canada all the new releases are out on Tuesday...........I know it's fucking non stop action over here with the explosions and full frontal nudity and chainsaw juggling and all. Well okay actually none of that unless you count the fat old guy who lives near my Friend's place and never wears a shirt as hot action (Fucking yuck). It's actually been pretty boring and slow here, which is a nice change of pace from the brushes with crazy fucks and douche bags..........anyways I'm getting off topic here.

So I go in to rent some movies, and after a couple minutes of scratching my head and pondering which movie will make me not want to tear at my eyes with a spoon I pick Robin Hood (The new one that has Russel "I love Twinkies" Crowe in it).

I go up to the counter and am in the process of paying for the movie when out of nowhere this little snot nosed brat runs up behind me and tries to shove me out of the way so she can get her greasy like meat hooks on a candy bar. Failing to move me, she then decides to run over to the gumball machine just in front of me and starts to scream and beg for a gumball at the top of her fucking lungs. It sounded like a fucking banshee on the rag for fucks sake.

I look over to find this hell spawn's mother only to see the stupid bitch twirling her hair and trying to flirt with Mr. Dippy McShitSmear to other guy working the till, and probably the only one of the two of them who would be too fucking timid to scream for help if this scary looking bitch tried to rape him. Not that she was some massive biker chick or anything, her face just looked like a couple of smashed assholes.

I don't know about you guys but when I was a kid I was told that children are seen and not heard.......THIS MEANS THERE QUIET AND FUCKING WELL BEHAVED. If I pulled this kind of crap at her age I got a backhanded bitch slap across the mouth and was told to shut up. You better believe after one or two of those I kept quiet. I'm not saying the kid should be punched out.........but what the fuck why can't she discipline her kid? I may not have kids but I would be embarrassed if mine pulled that.

This isn't the only incident, recently I was at some hole in the wall Chinese noodle place, the kind where they make their own noodles from scratch which is fucking fantastic if you haven't been to one. Just as I'm about to enjoy my meal this woman's baby starts screaming. Instead of the mother taking her baby outside or to the washroom or anywhere where everyone else doesn't have to hear her kid, she sits there and ignores the baby who only screams louder and louder. Ten minutes later after evil glares and several comments from myself, the staff, and other people at the restaurant who only wanted to enjoy their lunch in piece and fucking quiet, the dumb fucking cow takes her baby outside.

I know kids can be difficult to raise, like I said I don't have any of my own but I understand that. But that being said the clerk at Blockbuster isn't you're fucking babysitter, the staff at the restaurant aren't responsible for you're child, and the rest of us have enough shit on our plates to deal with. I think I speak for a lot of people when I say GET A FUCKING CLUE, DISCIPLINE YOU'RE KID, AND STOP BEING A FUCKING DOUCHE BAG.

Random Hottie Of This Post

Kelly Brook

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Monday, September 20, 2010

12 Things I Won't Do For A Klondike Bar

You've all seen the commercials unless you live in a fucking tree in the Congo and eat grub worms all fucking day, and if that's the case how the hell can you read this....I'm pretty sure the Internet connection in the Congo is crap. Not to mention all the moisture and monkey shit doesn't work well with computers. Anyways getting back on the subject at hand, you those commericals where some guy asks some other random low paid actor would you do (insert stupid thing here) for one of their disgusting hunks of chocolate.

Now if this anonymous commerical guy came up to me and asked what would I do for a Klondike bar apart from punching him in the balls here's a list of other things I would never do for one of these.

1. Spend an hour watching old people fucking

2. Masturbate with a cheese grater and salt

3. Watch a marathon of Pride and Prejudice (including the BBC versions that makes men's eyes bleed)

4. Get in touch with my feminine side and inner child............fuck that my feminine side better make me a sandwich and my inner child better shut the fuck up.

5. Go to a Justin Beiber concert and try to actually enjoy his "music"..........there isn't enough money in the world to get me to do that.

6. Change my name to Stan. Seriously doesn't that name sound creepy, like "Hi kids I live in a van down by the river and wear a trench coat all day. Do you want to come to my van and see my puppy?".....yeah fucking creepy.

7. Go on a reality T.V. show, I don't give a monkey's testicle if there giving a million dollars if you win, it ain't gonna happen. I can't stand those shows so why would I want to be stuck with those wannabe actors. They seriously make me want to rip my eyes out with a pair of tweezers.

8. Go on a date with Paris Hilton, I don't care if she could suck a golf ball through a garden hose THAT BITCH IS BRAIN DEAD.

9. Wear spandex, sorry it just looks gay not gonna happen.

10. Wear a crotchless lobster suit and do the robot on a busy street corner.........I don't think I need to scare the children.

11. Cover myself in honey and declare myself the lizard king

12. And finally go on T.V and do one of those fucking stupid "What would yo do for a Klondike bar?" commercials. Seriously how fucking desperate do they think I am? I mean seriously they cost what a dollar, why wouldn't I just get my happy ass over to a corner store and BUY ONE........fucking assholes.

Random Hottie Of This Post
Summer Glau

Random Video Of This Post

On a completely different note, hope you like the changes I made on here I figured it was time to give this blog an upgrade.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Words Of Wisdom From The Wolf

I thought in this post I would share some of the wonderfully useful things that I've learned, either from first hand experience or from the antics of those close to me (I'll leave you to guess which ones I did)

If you're going on a date and you're date asks you if her dress/pants/whatever makes her ass look big, don't respond by saying "You're ass looks like 120 lbs of chewed bubble gum"

Text messaging and hand grenades don't mix.

I don't care how drunk you are, setting yourself on fire is never a smart move.

If somebody sets themselves on fire, or falls into a bonfire, make sure you take off anything that's made of fleece before you save their ass.

If you're going to tell a guy who's twice you're size that he should go home and have sexual relations with their cousin, brother, or mother........make sure you know how to fight first.

Never piss in the wind

Never piss on an electric fence

Never piss on someone who's taking a piss on an electric fence

Rockin out to MC Hammer in a Ford Topaz is never fucking cool, especially if you're white.

Though it may seem like a good idea at the time to save on laundry detergent.........NEVER turn you're underwear inside out to get a few more days use out of them, especially if there's some ass chocolate left on them.

Calling 9-1-1 to get directions to an adult video store is not considered an emergency.

If you're in the woods and a pissed off bear comes running after you, make sure you have a friend nearby so you can break their knee caps to escape.

When you get married you loose you're balls, you're sense of opinion, and you're soul. When you get divorced you don't always get these back

When the shit hits the fan, it's a good idea to have a rain coat and umbrella handy.

Just because people in beer commericals are having a good time, doesn't mean that when you crack open a cold one that hot women will surround you and want to party. You'll just end up getting drunk, sad, and Helga the one eyed bridge troll might take you home. Then when you wake up in the morning and see Helga, you'll have the urge to mix you're coffee with Drano.

Running from the cops is never a smart move for you, but fucking hilarious for those who are watching.

If you own a shitty car, don't make it worse by making you're own spoiler out of plywood and bookshelf brackets. This will not only do absolutely nothing to the performance of you're piece of shit car, it may in fact make it slower. But also everybody will laugh at you're pathetic attempt at customizing you're car.

Duct tape can be used for anything......and I mean anything.

If you think David Hasselhoff is a talented artist, you are seriously fucked in the head. If you think Britney Spears is an awesome singer, please bitch slap yourself. And if you're a fan of Justin Beiber, please play in traffic, preferably at a busy intersection and with a bus.

If you're happy and you know it GO FUCK YOURSELF.

There are only two occasions when it's a good idea to wear a Montreal Canadians jersey, in Montreal, and when their playing another team. If there not playing and you show up in their jersey, you deserve to be kicked in the junk.

The bigger the truck the smaller their penis is, and the greater the chance that they secretly love pink lacey underwear.

The first rule of anything is NEVER GET CAUGHT. If you get caught DENY DENY DENY, if that fails keep a shovel and some garbage bags in the trunk.

Vick's vapour rub does not feel good on you're balls. It's also highly not recommended to be used with a maxi pad to treat second degree burns. (Don't ask)

A vending machine does not make a good surf board.

NEVER EVER tell the cops that you have a dead hooker stuffed in a carpet back at you're place.

And that's all I have to say about that

Random Hottie Of This Post

Katherine Heigl

Random Video Of This Post

Sunday, September 12, 2010

New Video Time

Don't really have a whole lot to say in this post just wanted to share the latest video I made. The song is a remixed version of Wanted Dead Or Alive remixed by Bon Jovi on the CD This Left Feels Right. The movie (In case you didn't know from the title)  is Tombstone. One of the best westerns made in a long time, and a million times better then the shitty Kevin Costner movie Wyatt Earp which came out a year before (1994 I think), Either way Kevin Costner sucks hairy goat balls and I want to punch that fucker in the face, I'm not even sure why but I feel that it's required.


Anyways hope you like and let me know what you think. Also if you haven't seen my other videos check out my YouTube channel. Also if you have an idea for one let me know.

Random Hottie Of This Post

Danica Patrick

Friday, September 10, 2010

And Now Another Edition Of Fuck You Friday

It's that time once again folks, that special time when the weekend is about to begin. And that means it's timeto vent all the garbage and bullshit from this week. So without further delay here we go........enjoy.

FUCK YOU to the piss ant squirrel chipmunk or flying fucking monkey for shitting on me from a tree when I was going for a run. Because of you I am going to make it my mission to run each and every one of you little furry bastards over with a car, you fuckers are evil and I'm going to take great pleasure in squishing you're cute little faces under a car tire.

FUCK YOU to the mother with a screaming kid the other day when I went out for lunch. Really you're going to let you're kid scream at the top of their lungs while others are trying to enjoy their lunch and YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO A FUCKING THING ABOUT IT. Wow I can see you're really trying for that parent of the year award. Next time you're little demon spawn starts yelling shit in tongues TAKE THE FUCKER OUTSIDE AND SHUT HIM THE FUCK UP.

FUCK YOU to the creepy older guy who wouldn't stop starring at me when I was running yesterday. Do I fucking look like Pamela Anderson running on the beach slowly letting my blond hair flow in the breeze to the sound of the Baywatch theme song. NO I DO FUCKING NOT, nor will I be willing to undergo any type of operation to fulfill you're fantasy you sick fuck.

FUCK YOU to the crooked ass licker who parked so close to my car I almost couldn't get out. Are you that clueless that there is a car behind you, or do you just not give a flying fuck. If there wasn't a cop parked across the street I would have given that new BMW of yours some racing stripes with my car keys. And we all know racing stripes make any car faster.

FUCK YOU to the homeless guy who thought it would be a wonderful fucking idea to throw beer bottles at cars at 2 fucking am...............WHAT THE FUCK IS YOU'RE MAJOR MALFUNCTION NUMB NUTS, oh wait that's right you're homeless and probably coming of a crack high and are angry because you have to go back to panhandling and sucking cock behind a dumpster for spare change. Sucks to be you asshole.

FUCK YOU to the bitch who let the side door at the local mall almost hit me in the face. Really are you that fucking special that you can't hold a door for two precious seconds. My hands were full of groceries and they were fucking heavy, but instead you were too busy being a stuck up cow and too important to think about anyone else other then yourself.............I hope you get crabs and those crabs have herpes which means you'll have crabs and herpes and their all gonna laugh at you.

FUCK YOU to the spaced out shit turbine on roller blades reenacting you're favorite scenes from stars on ice in the middle of the fucking road. Really you want to dance, I'm cool with that BUT GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY OF TRAFFIC. Otherwise you can dance on somebodies windshield fucker.

There I have said my peace

Random Hottie Of This Post

Grace Park

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Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Book Burning

I was reading on MSN this yesterday about a church that is going to be hosting a book burning of the Koran (Qur'an) down in Florida (Click here for the article) My question is this, why are people so fucking stupid? It's crap like this that leaves me with little to no faith on organized religion. But before you think this is a "Let's bash Christianity" rant it's not. Like I said in a previous post about religion (Click here to see it) I have no problem with religion, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, or the guys who think Jesus is an alien hiding behind the sun I don't care so long as you don't try to force you're belief on me it's all good.

That being said when I read this article I was fucking disgusted. First off what has burning books proved other then the people burning them are ignorant dumb fucks, so you don't like their beliefs and you think it's all a load of bullshit, fair enough. That's no excuse to burn books and insult another belief system. I bet these would be the same assholes crying foul if somebody took a truck load of Bibles and set them on fire on their front lawn. Of course these are the same type of people who thought that to cure witchcraft meant turning someone into a human match, good times had by all I assure you.

And people wonder why people in the Islamic world hate the west and America, it's boneheaded, ignorant and completely fucking ridiculous antics that are a slap in the face of the customs and beliefs of others, all because Allah is God spelt differently. Let's be honest both religions came from about the same part of the world, at about the same time, and include a lot of the same people and basic ideals.....and yet they can't seem to figure it out........WOW.

But the Muslims aren't getting a free fucking pass here either, YOU ASSHOLES NEED TO CHILL THE FUCK OUT. First off you scream "Death to America" and "The west is Satan" and other things along those lines and you wonder why we think you're a bunch of fucking nut jobs stuck in the dark ages. Here's an idea, take a deep breath pop a fuckin Xanex and chill the fuck out. Like those here in the west we have different beliefs and views on shit DEAL WITH IT AND MOVE THE FUCK ON.

I understand this is a big fucking insult to you're religion I've read some of the Koran and worked with Muslims so I have a basic understanding of you're faith (Very basic), but really it's one pathetic limp dick preacher trying to make a name for themselves. And just like those who bash other's blogs or leave high school shit comments on YouTube about somebody's video being gay and stupid it's all to get attention because mommy and daddy didn't love them enough and buy them a brand new fucking car for their sweet 16 birthday party. This preacher can't get attention by doing something noble such as raise money for the poor or help abused kids, so they have to resort to this crap. And like those shitty comments you should just grow the fuck up and ignore them not declare a fucking jihad and cut somebody's head off on TV.

How about we try something new, we all say a big collective FUCK IT and grow the fuck up and put this stupid religious fanatical crap aside and at least try to treat each other like human beings. I think that's maybe what all the world's religions fundamentally would want us to do anyway.

Random Hottie Of This Post

Monica Bellucci

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Sunday, September 5, 2010

Dating Sites

This weekend I've been house and dog sitting for a friend while they get to go off and do whatever the fuck it is they do. Hell for all I know they could be working for the CIA selling smack to Nazi's for all I know. This means that I get to use their big screen TV for PORN  watching TV and movies. When I haven't been watching zombie flicks I've been catching up on Family Guy and other shows I haven't seen in months because I don't own or plan on owning a TV again, but there's been something that's really been bugging me more then the usual crap they show, and that's the constant bombardment of fucking dating sites being advertised.

Is it honestly so fucking bad to be single that this has to be shoved down our visual gullets and make us all depressed because were alone? And it's pretty much all bullshit, take those online dating sites for example. They show clips of happy attractive people doing happy attractive things while they talk about how if you join up you can find true love. But what if you're not a twenty or thirty something, well they even show a couple clips of older attractive happy people riding bikes or walking on the beach, A WHOLE LOT OF HAPPY BULLSHIT. The reality is while there are normal people looking for something real and legit, it's pretty much an online pub. If you're a woman you get wave after wave of assholes who are greasy, full of themselves trying their best pick up lines or emailing you pics of their junk. If you're a guy you send out message after message only to be rejected time and time again. It doesn't matter how good you look, or how nice you are, because all the greasy assholes have been firing off messages one after another.

Then you have the ads for the chat line dating sites, these ones really piss me the fuck off. These usually involve some chick in skimpy clothes with a big rack dancing around, or lying on a bed in the same skimpy clothes or lingerie and having a fake conversation into a telephone while smiling like a fucking idiot. How much you want to bet that bitch is ordering pizza on that phone? Then she tells you that you can have loads of fun and talk to "real people" for only 9.99 a minute. Of course to entice the ladies they usually have some buff hairless dude with wavy hair giving the same speal but usually in less words (Because it's all about the T & A not schlong)

Now I'm not a rocket scientist or astro re-fuckulator matician but I'm willing to bet the chance of talking to that hot blond woman or some other equally hot woman is slim to fucking none. Chances are good she'll probably look like a toad, or be completely fucking mentally unhinged (Think Glen Close from Fatal Attraction kinda unhinged) Either way it leads to a big fucking disappointment except for those making the money on the poor suckers who call these sites.

Did I mention I hate TV

Random Hottie Of This Post

Jamie Pressly

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Thursday, September 2, 2010

It's A Bird It's A Plane........No Monkey Nuts It's Fuck You Friday

Once again it's that time of the week. That special time when the weekend is about to begin, you'll probably hit some bar, maybe have a drink or two or twelve. Then perhaps try you're luck on some loose women only to wake up the next morning either hugging a public toilet at a bus stop, or you'll wake up beside Helga the one eyed bridge troll and ask yourself "Did I just do what I think I just did? Is there enough bleach to make my soul clean?"

But seriously who are we kidding here you and I both know that you'll spend it alone drooling over the ladies in the Sears Catalog and drinking Tang the drink of astronauts. That being said remember to get over to Gucci Mamma who is hosting this weeks Blog Stalk Friday and Fawk You Friday Hosted by Boobies Babies and a blog, so check that shit out (obviously AFTER you read mine)

So here we go;

FUCK YOU To the arthritis in both my knees. You think that grinding sensation that feels like a fucking screw driver is scraping away at the inside of my knee cap gives me wood. It sucks horse dink, that being said I refuse to let that crap slow me down.

FUCK YOU To the running douche bag who was too concerned to miss a beat to some Marky Mark to run around me and my dog when my dog was playing with a puppy. Instead you fucking jump over them like a horse? It's a dam good thing my dog is very calm and didn't get spooked, or that the puppy didn't get spooked because if you had landed on one of them they would be dead......AND THEN YOU WOULD BE DEAD BECAUSE I WOULD DROWN YOU'RE STUPID ASS IN THE OCEAN. Chill the fuck out slow down or go around, you might actually burn more calories by going just a few feet over numb nuts.

FUCK YOU To the homeless guy tonight who thought the middle of the stairs out in front of the Olympic cauldron was a great place to spend five minutes spitting up shit from you're meth habit. Way to go asshole nothing spells love like spitting you're germs near kids and people just trying to get around you. If you needed to spit that fucking badly WALK TEN FEET AND SPIT IN THE OCEAN NOT WHERE PEOPLE WALK.

FUCK YOU To the guy who stopped in front of the parking lot and blocked 3 or 4 cars because you had to answer you're cell phone. Now this one didn't happen to me but seriously you had to block people right in the middle of the street, right in front of the gate to the underground parkade because you're cell phone rang.....WHO THE FUCK WAS IT YOU'RE BOYFRIEND ASSHOLE. You seriously couldn't have driven TWENTY FEET and parked by the sidewalk completely out of the way?

FUCK YOU To the Humpty Dumpty mother fucker who had to walk right in the middle of the road. Hey fatty are you on glue? Get you're ass on the sidewalk and keep it there so cars can get around you especially the one I was driving. Seriously if I wasn't concerned about how large of a fucking dent you would have left in the hood I would have ran you're ass over.

FUCK YOU To the Blockbuster close to where I live. Yes I understand you needed to do renovations and the place looks much better on the inside, there's just one little tiny problem. THE WAY YOU RE-ORGANIZED THE SHELVES MEANS I CAN'T FIND A SINGLE FUCKING NEW RELEASE.....these are movies not fucking buried treasure and no you are not a pirate (at least the kind that wears an eye patch and knows how to sail)

Overall it was actually a pretty decent week

Random Hottie Of This Post

Christina Ricci

Yes I know I posted one of her pics on my last post. But hey that pic didn't turn out so well, so here's a clearer one.

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Wednesday, September 1, 2010

People Actually Use These To Find My Blog ?

It's been awhile since I last checked how this blog is doing on Google Analytics, and I'm curious to know how everyone who STALKS ME follows me and reads this blog and what they use to find it. Now from time to time I've seen other people's lists and I've come to this conclusion THE PEOPLE WHO INVENTED ANALYTICS ARE SMOKING FUCKING CRACK......yup I fucking said it crack.

So I thought I would share with you all the wonderful search terms people have used to find this blog;

"Cock Jawed" Hmmm okay I guess whatever floats you're boat buddy.

snafu what the fuck is that Wow you're A COMPLETE FUCKING MORON confused about what this means. It means (In case you don't know this by now) Situation Normal All Fucked Up.....kinda like that homeless guy who offers hand jobs behind the dumpster for cigarettes.

 fuckingkids yes they are

megan pickle crazy Who the fuck is Megan ?

midget fucking blogspot I'm sure that would be a big hit in Mexico

what does "take no shit or prisoners" mean? If I need to explain this to you I'll find you a large Q-Tip to give yourself a frontal lobotomy

why are women in vancouver such stuck up bitches Now isn't that a good question

kelly hrudey should get kicked in the junk Yes indeed that sack of fat deserves just that

kelly hrudey is a donkey raping shit eater Sure I'll buy that

In case you don't know who Kelly Hrudey is he is a commentator on Hockey Night In Canada and a former goaltender for the Los Angeles Kings back in the 90's. Personally I hate the fucker because he changes his opinion in mid sentence and talks out his ass while having meat sweats from eating 12 cheeseburgers before the show.

mr limpdik Speak for yourself asshole

captain kirk two handed punch ?????????

vancouver gay escorts Really??? What the fuck is this shit??

But the number one keyword that constantly pops up is don't turn this rape into a murder. Every day I get a couple of hits using that term or something close to it such as;

bitch don't turn this rape into a murder

turn me into a murderer

rape and murder

don't turn this murder into a rape

Are you fucking kidding me, so I Googled it. And guess where I sit out of 5,750,000 results......NUMBER FUCKING ONE. Well isn't that just peachy, I mean I knew I would eventually be number one of something just not this. Seriously though how many sick fucks are out there looking for advice on how to rape and murder and get rid of the evidence afterwards. So I did some simple the way I suck at math.

Here it goes if the average who use that term is 2 per day that's about 30 a month. That translates into about 720 a year give or take a few, 720 a year translates into a lot of sick fucks out there. And that's not including any increase in traffic, just at where it sits now. This ultimately brings me to my next point WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

I'm confused my head hurts and I need to poop.

Random Hottie Of This Post

Christina Ricci

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