Monday, August 30, 2010

For You're Viewing Pleasure

One of the things I like to do when I have spare time is watch porn make videos that I post on YouTube, it's turned into a hobby I guess. I don't know why I started getting into doing this but I enjoy doing it..........almost as much as dancing to techno in a crotchless lobster suit stuff. So here are my two latest ones for you fuckers to enjoy, because I'm all about sharing.

The first one is from the movie The Book Of Eli, the song is If You Tolerate This by Manic Street Preachers. Now if you haven't seen this movie...go fucking rent it or buy it or prostitute yourself out on a street corner offering hand jobs behind a dumpster to get it. Simply put it's a wicked movie, and one of my favorite of the whole post apocalypse genre.

The second and my newest one is to Mad Max 1 and Mad Max 2 The Road Warrior to the song Black And Blue by Brand New Sin (Yeah I was going with a theme doing stuff about the post apocalypse) Now if you haven't seen any of the Mad Max movies you probably need a good ole fashioned bitch slap, you know the kind that pimps use on their hoes when they don't fucking pony up all the money they made.......fucking holdouts. Anyway here's the video.

Anyways hope you enjoy them and I'll make some more soon. If you have any ideas for ones leave me a comment or send me an email ( ) if you want to see my other ones on YouTube CLICK HERE and no I fucking won't do one to Pride And Prejudice unless they do a movie version of Pride And Prejudice And Zombies, or the Twilight movies because I think there......well ummm GAY!!!! Sparkly fucking vampires my ass, there suppose to fucking explode like in From Dusk Till Dawn.......bastards.

Random Hottie Of This Post

Jamie Chung

Friday, August 27, 2010

Rejoice Bitches It's Fuck You Friday Time

Now that I've said what I've had to say about the bullshit blog bashing from last night I think it's high time for another edition of Fuck You Friday (If you didn't get a chance to read it, it's the post below this one)

So with that being said here we go:

FUCK YOU to the bitch as McDonald's, why the fuck when I went to place my order you were talking to me like I'm some sort of robot...........DO I LOOK LIKE THE FUCKING TERMINATOR? Do I look like I have a neuro net processor in my cpu right beside the re-fuckulated flux capacitor? How about you try this, SPEAK LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN FUCKING BEING.....just saying.

FUCK YOU to the piece of shit parking meter at the underground parking lot at Best Buy. Sure you're electronic and don't have a soul, but you're still a fucking douche bag. If you were alive I would cut you for taking my 2.25.

FUCK YOU to the three shit lickers on their bikes the other night when I went for a run who almost ran into me. First off assholes the fucking side closest to the rocks, not the side closest to the ocean is where fuck sticks like you ride you're bikes and roller blades. And second if you can't see shit because it was at night DON'T GO FOR A FUCKING BIKE RIDE, you're obviously have the night vision of a drunken hobo.

FUCK YOU to the old guy who wouldn't stop staring at me from across the street, seriously are you looking at the car or me.........the car fine that's one thing not that a 95 Honda Prelude is so fucking awesome, mind you it's like new and has under 50 thousand miles (no that's not rolled over either that's all it has). BUT YOU DON'T KNOW THAT OLD FUCKER. Now if you're staring at me creepy old dude I hate to break it to you, I'm not into dudes.

FUCK YOU to the bitch who referred to me to her friend as "Ewww look at that gross guy" when I took my dog for a walk a couple days ago. WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? Is it really necessary to refer to me as "That gross guy" I fucking look like Jabba the Hutt? I personally love how people who are extremely insecure have to make themselves feel better about themselves by running others down. By the way you look like you came in second place in a shovel fighting contest, so maybe you should take a good fucking look in the mirror before you run down others.

FUCK YOU to the guy who got caught breaking into cars at the nearby hotel where a friend of mine lives. You're probably the guy who broke into almost 100 cars last week, so I think it fucking hilarious that the cops busted you're pathetic ass and caught you in the act. I hope you get rapped in prison for years.

And last but not least FUCK YOU to the shitty toilet paper I bought because it was on sale, YOU FUCKING SUCK.

Okay now I feel better.......sorta.

Random Hottie Of This Post

Stacy Keibler

Random Video Of This Post

Bullshit Blog Reviews

Normally I would have posted my “Fuck You Friday” post today but I’m a little pissed off about something that I’ve been thinking about ever since I read it last night. What pissed me off was this supposed “review” blog that turned into a bash feast for one of my favourite bloggers CB (The Crazy Brunette Chick in case you didn’t know, and if you never read her blog her link is posted on my sidebar)

Honestly I never fucking liked blogs or sites that offered reviews of other people’s blogs, I mean how can you really rate what somebody wrote anyway, it’s their thoughts and they can write them down anyway they see fit. I read the “review” and I use that term loosely, I also read a few other previous posts and a page that shows you “how to blog”……….frankly WHAT A LOAD OF ONE SIDED HYPOCRITICAL BULLSHIT.

This so called “review” was nothing more then an attempt to bash and ridicule a blog that I find entertaining and a blogger who I consider a friend. Fuck I wouldn’t co- author a blog with her if I didn’t. I’m not going to post the sites link because frankly I don’t think there blog deserves the readers. And my question is “Who the fuck is this person, and why should I give a rat’s ass about what they have to say?” Are you some “expert” blogger who gets paid to review blogs……..probably not. You’re just an average Joe like the rest of us who blogs because it’s a hobby and or you enjoy doing it. There are no rules when it comes to what you write about, how you write it, or how you’re blog looks. So how can you or anyone really give a review on something that’s designed to be a person’s interests and thoughts? That’s like me walking down the street and giving a “review” to some stranger about the way they walk, or how they chew their fucking gum. That’s them and the way they do it……don’t like if FUCK OFF.

And let’s talk about the commentators using high school bullshit and insulting how she looks or the fact that she has to draw on her eyebrows…..what the fuck does her looks have to do with anything, what a piss poor attempt at trying to feel all “big and bad”……what are they 14? I love how pathetic some people have to be that they have to hide behind a computer screen hundreds or even thousands of miles away to insult someone………yeah way to fucking go losers, you really are my hero. Of course by hero I mean you make me laugh because you’re that fucking sad. These people lack the balls to say things like that when in person so they have to hide behind a computer screen to feel safe. To you 14 year old or those with the mentality of a 14 year old, go back to playing World Of Warcraft or Farmville or chronic masturbating or whatever the fuck you do. You want to give an opinion fine, then give an opinion save the bullshit insults for after school near the monkey bars.

Getting back on track with this “review” while it did make a couple good points about maybe adding a little more depth and adding a few more “quirkish stories” that’s about as far as it went in actually offering anything of value that CB could use. The rest was just garbage that this particular blogger puked out in order to try to add some interest to their sad little blog. I especially loved how they went on criticizing the layout of her site, last time I checked IT’S HER FUCKING BLOG SHE CAN LAY IT OUT ANYWAY SHE DAM WELL WANTS, just like me, you or you’re cousins dog can pick any blog design they want and put whatever the fuck they want on it. And frankly a lot of blogs out there look pretty much the same so the fact that she took the time and a shit load of effort and made something unique that stands out should be praised not insulted.

If you’re going to “review” a blog (And I’ve reviewed a few I’m not talking out my ass here) you don’t talk shit or talk down to them. Give them an honest review of what works and what doesn’t and give them suggestions on how they can improve their site. Save the fucking attitude for another day and give them something they may find helpful, otherwise keep you’re fucking opinion to yourself and don’t visit the site if you have a problem with it.

CB you rock and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise
Random Hottie Of This Post
Laura Vandervoort
Random Video Of This Post

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Another Wonderful Experience At McDonald's

I tell you I could have a blog dedicated to all the shit and misadventures I have when I go to the McDonald's close to my place......THAT PLACE IS ROYALLY FUCKED UP.

Today I decided to get some breakfast from there, and since I haven't eaten their in awhile I thought I would treat myself to something. Now in my other posts about this particular McDonald's I've talked about fucked up customers who look like extras in a zombie movie, rude assholes who push and shove their way in order to get some fucking the way to those assholes IT'S JUST FUCKING FRENCH FRIES GET YOU'RE PANTIES UN BUNCHED AND WAIT IN FUCKING LINE LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU'RE ASS EVEN THOUGH IT'S BIG ENOUGH TO HAVE IT'S OWN GRAVITATIONAL PULL........anyways getting back on topic here.

So I'm waiting in line and a couple people ahead of me are these two ass bags who look like they would enjoy an entertaining game of have you seen my baseball. One was leaning against the counter picking his nose and tapping his umbrella loudly on the floor, and his girlfriend, wife, first cousin, sister was doing fucked up ballerina twirls while placing an order all while stealing precious oxygen. And in case you are wondering no they didn't appear to have some sort of mental handicap other then being a complete fucking moron. If they were handicapped I wouldn't have written this post.

The guy behind the counter was getting frustrated because she couldn't make up her mind and her boyfriend (I assume he was her boyfriend because she kept calling him honey, or honey baby.....which would be really fucked up if they were brother and sister) couldn't make up their minds and kept changing the order after the guy punched it in. This meant he had to cancel the order and start from scratch, which gets REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING AFTER 4 OR 5 DOZEN FUCKING TIMES. Finally after about 5 minutes she picks something then turns to "Honey baby" and ask him what he wants as he has his finger shoved up his nose looking for nose gold to share with the townsfolk.

Instead of saying something clear like "I'll have the number whatever the fuck combo please" he fucking mumbles something that's so quiet and incoherent nobody can understand him....FOR TWO FUCKING MINUTES. Even his girlfriend couldn't understand a word he said until he finally got a little pissed off and spoke up.

After a minute or two their order arrives ready to go, now because fuck stick couldn't figure out just what exactly she wanted the order was fucked up...........BIG FUCKING SURPRISE ON THAT ONE. So what does nose miner do.... he starts grabbing bags, some of which are other peoples orders looking for his fucking pancakes or whatever the fuck he ordered, just what I'm sure everyone wanted fucking snotty hands touching everything and anything near his order (Thank fuck mine hadn't shown up yet)

He starts yelling at the one person behind the counter that he wants his whatever the item was and that it was suppose to be something else other than what was put in his bag. At this point even the two who were working behind the counter were swearing at each other and a massive lineup was forming as people tried to get breakfast before it switches over to their lunch menu. All of this could have been avoided if THEY HAD FIGURED OUT WHAT THE FUCK THEY WANTED BEFORE that really a hard concept to figure out? Is it so fucking hard to look at the menu board and ask yourself "Hmmmm what the fuck would I like to shove down my throat today? I know I'll have the number fucking whatever meal, with the side of greasy shit that I don't need to swallow because it'll slide down my throat.....and a diet cola"

But no instead they waste about 20 peoples time, cause a massive fight in front of the counter, get the staff yelling at each other (I'm sure the rest of their shift is going to be awesome after that) and contaminate 4 or 5 orders of food with snot covered fingers, I don't know about you but if somebody is picking their nose the last fucking thing I want is that hand to be anywhere near my food. I'm sorry but I am a little bit of a clean NAZI freak and I have to wonder when some asshole does that, what else have they done with their hands and have they washed them. Given the fact that they both smelt like vinegar, and dumpster in summer heat with a little bit of adult diaper for garnish, me thinks their hygiene standards are a bit low.

Fuck I need a drink

I decided to do something a little different on this post then my typical random hottie, and random video. I'm feeling the need to mix things up a little bit so I combined them into a little video of random hotties from previous posts. Let me know what you think and if you like it better I'll switch it up so that all the random hotties are short videos rather then a pic.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Religious Butt Fucks

First off I don't have a problem with people being religious. If you want to believe in God, Buddha, Allah, or the fucking lizard people who eat hamsters in a spaceship hiding behind the sun go fucking nuts I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. Do you're prayers, your chants, and sacrifice a goat for all I fucking care, just be respectful of others and don't push you're crap on me.

I'm not a very religious person, I do believe there are things out there beyond what we know or understand, I do believe there is a spirit world, and I do believe in good and evil, be it in people or something else. I believe in treating others with respect and trying to help people when you can. Apparently though this is not good enough for certain religious types I've ran into recently who think that my actions are going to get me a one way ticket on a jumbo jet bound for Hell. I'll probably end up with a really shitty seat, no in flight movie, and be stuck beside Hitler who's going to snore and pass out on my shoulder............fucking NAZI asshole that he is.

According to these fuckers because I don't believe in God or Jesus I'm a sinner and unclean........LAST TIME I CHECKED ASSHOLE I HAD A SHOWER.

This all started when a group of Jehovah's witnesses approached me on the street and tried to give me a brochure about their religion. I politely refused their cheap ass wipe pamphlet, at which point these fuckers thought they would have a long philosophical debate about religion with me. They asked me what I believed in, as if that's any of their fucking business, but being that they were at this point polite I thought what the fuck and told them my beliefs. There response was something like this " Well that's very interesting Mr. Wolf ....BUT YOU'RE WRONG" They then began to tell me at length about how I needed to accept the "true faith" or be dammed to Hell to burn for all eternity.

First off FUCK YOU who the fuck are you to tell me what to believe or not to believe you ignorant ass nuggets.

Second take you're ideas and shove them up you're ass so fucking far that it would take a team of engineers, and off shore oil well drillers to find it. There's a reason why nobody likes you and slams their doors in you're face when you show up to preach you're's because you think you're better then everyone else.

It's shit like this that makes me despise organized religion with a passion. It's not the religion itself I have a problem with, there are actually a lot of things written in religious books that are useful and can offer inspiration, it's the fucking ass clowns who get ahold of these books and start some bullshit ideology around them. They are so fucking closed minded because they think that God or whatever the fuck is only looking out for them and others like's the joke assholes ALMOST ALL OF YOU BELIEVE IN THE SAME FUCKING GOD MORONS. Seriously take most religions and strip them of all ceremonies, customs and practices that make them different from each other and keep the core values and beliefs, and you have the same religion. And yet people still kill each other in the name of this bullshit because somebody's beliefs are a little different then someone else's. Wow this makes about as much sense as hating other people based on skin color, another fucking brilliant idea.

For all we know each and every fucking one of these assholes could be wrong, and yet one of these fuck sticks thinks that I'm going to Hell because I believe in something different then them. If there is a God or whatever the fuck out there I'm willing to bet he/she/it would rather have me use my brain and think and figure things out for myself then to be some mindless ignorant fucking drone who follows the herd and is just another cow........MOOOOO.

And on that happy note here is the random hottie of this post.

Of course if they had nun's that looked like this............well I might be forced to go to church once in awhile.

Random Video Of This Post

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Undead Sexy Party

Now I thought I seen dam near everything good bad and fucking ugly. You know the kind of fucking ugly like you were drunk and woke up beside Helga the bridge troll and realized you gave her/he/it hopefully not he or it the goods……….pretty fucking ugly I know.

Vancouver on the other hand for the last year has consistently thrown curve balls of all manner of shit my way that I thought I would never see, tonight was another example of that. Because tonight the streets were packed with ZOMBIES……I SHIT YOU NOT.

No not actual, shuffling, moaning like old people fucking, brain eating undead zombies……and no it was not a fucking convention of dumb ass fuckheads looking for a good time. It was people dressed in costume as zombies. NOW WHY THE FUCK ARE PEOPLE DRESSED AS FUCKING ZOMBIES?

Apparently there were doing something called A ZOMBIE WALK. If my 30 seconds of Google searching has taught me anything ( I know 30 seconds is a long fucking time to focus on this ) it’s that a zombie walk is kind of a social get together where people dress like fucked up corpses and stagger and moan like their drunk on cheap beer and Prozac. They crowd the sidewalks and parks bumping into things and sometimes walking into ordinary people as if they were going to eat their brains, basically like any other fucking day in a large city only there dressed in fake blood and ripped up costumes instead of cell phones and expensive suits. This is not a new trend either, since about 2000 or so people have been getting together in increasingly larger groups as this becomes more popular all over the world. Books like Max Brooks THE ZOMBIE SURVIVAL HORROR GUIDE and WORLD WAR Z and movies like the remake of DAWN OF THE DEAD have made this popular all over the world. But this is the first time I’ve ever seen this in person


I mean these people went all fucking out. There were slutty zombies in mini skirts and and ripped nylons, a stripper nurse zombie with a red thong pole dancing on a street sign because apparently the undead like to pole dance and show their ass………..which wasn’t bad for a dead chick (Is that wrong?) There were soldier zombies in fatigues and tactical vests, even some chubby Asian Sailor Moon zombies. There was even a small school bus painted up like one of the handy darts from the remake of Dawn of The Dead that was being used as a “Zombie Protection Vehicle”

I couldn’t stop laughing, especially consider the people who weren’t zombies on the street were mostly tourists who like me have seen this shit before and didn’t know what to fucking do. I saw an old guy take his able walker and try to use it to defend himself from some fat dude dressed up as a mad scientist zombie. Some creepy German tourist was trying to take a pic of two almost topless zombies, and dozens of others simply turned around and almost ran away.

My only regret is that I didn’t have my camera with me.

Random Hottie Of This Post

Sheri Moon Zombie

And now and educational video to help you defend against the undead

And now on a completely different note McKenzie over at Life As A Stay At Home Mom ( ) awarded me the Versatile blogger award (located near the bottom of my side bar. When you're done here get you're candy ass over their pronto and check her shit out. Being this is my second time getting this award I'm going to bend the rules..........yet again. First If you're link is on my blog roll, or you a follower or regular commenter consider yourself nominated for the same award. As for sharing seven things about me, well I'm going to save that for another post. But if you're absofuckinglutly dying to know everything you can about me send me an email or leave a comment and I'll do my best to answer you.

Also check out my latest video on YouTube and subscribe to my channel


Friday, August 20, 2010

Time To Re-Fuckulate The Warp Drive.....It's Fuck You Friday Time

Today's edition of Fuck You Friday is brought to you by the letter F, as in Fuckstick, Fuckwad, and French toast

The Number 5 as in how many people I currently want to punch in the face at this very second

And The Colonel's own Kentucky Fried Chicken, because it's finger licking good

Also remember to get you're ass over to CB's blog for her newly renamed Blog Stalk Friday and Jena at Boobies, Babies and a Blog for her Fawk You Friday extravaganza, both their links are located on the side in case you're scratching you're head and asking yourself  "How do I get there?" you have no fucking excuse.

Now we shall begin:

FUCK YOU to the little crotch monkey's on the ferry earlier this week. Seriously it's 8 at fucking night and you're running around like little bastards on crack shouting and jumping all over the fucking place like the entire fucking ferry is you're personnel playground. If you were my kids (Thank fucking Zeus you're not) you would be sitting quietly in a chair reading a book, because if you got out of line I would probably feed you to the whales. And really is it necessary to slam into the bulk heads above people who are trying to sleep from having to drive all day.....LIKE I WAS YOU BASTARD.

FUCK YOU to the so called parents of these little crotch monkey's WHERE THE FUCK WHERE YOU AND WHY IN THE NAME OF FUCK WHERE YOU NOT DISCIPLINING YOU'RE FUCKING CHILDREN. Do you seriously think that the 150 other people on the boat really enjoyed listening to your kids scream for an hour and a half ferry ride? I'm going to go out on a limb here and say no I and they were not fucking amused by you're lack of parenting skills because you were too busy stuffing you're fat ass in the cafeteria with fries and gravy. GET A GRIP ON YOU'RE FUCKING KIDS ASSHOLE

This one doesn't involve me but I think it's still valid

FUCK YOU to the dumb blond to busy sending a text to look to see if the light has changed before you step out into the sidewalk. That brilliant move almost got you hit by a car you stupid bitch, and then you swear and give him the finger.....WOW YOU'RE FUCKING DUMB. Get you're head out of you're ass woman the light was green, and green means he had the right of way, it also means keep your ass on the sidewalk (It was a very nice ass by the way but your still an idiot) Seriously though how fucking important was this text you were sending anyway, did it involve government secrets.......I highly fucking doubt it.

FUCK YOU to the jack ass who almost backed into my car yesterday, are you fucking stupid ass clown. When you back up you look over both sides in case a guy like me is behind you because I thought you were turning into Safeway not ding some bullshit half ass U-turn.

FUCK YOU to the bag of donkey shit who can't figure out that when the intersection is full and the light is green doesn't mean that you drive you're fucking car into the middle of the fucking mess. Do you know what happens when you and other cock jawed ass lickers pull that crap.........THE WHOLE FUCKING INTERSECTION GETS BLOCKED UP, THIS MEANS YOU'RE SORRY ASS IS GOING NOWHERE FAST. On a completely different note... you're BMW is a piece of shit.

So there it is kiddies this weeks FUCK YOU FRIDAY.

Random Hottie Of This Post

Claire Danes

Random Video Of This Post

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Crazy Times In The City

Now I don't know what the fuck it is, but for some reason I seem to be a magnet for all the crazy fucked up people in the world. I swear there must be a giant neon red sign above my head that reads "If you're crazy and you know bug this guy" that only they can see because the voices tell them it's there or the space aliens who beam messages into their brains show them, perhaps it's Satan who appears to them as a dog named Rex for all I fucking know. But the end result is always the same, these fuckers come to me EVERY SINGLE TIME.

And if they don't come to me directly they do something near me that forces me to get involved in their wacky bullshit antics, take last night for example.

There I am, it's about 8:30 at night walking home minding my own business. Suddenly like Spiderman with his "Spidey" sense I get this bad feeling in my stomach, you know the type that yells out "Hey fucker somethings not right check you're six" (Check your six for those who don't know means look behind you). No sooner then I get this bad feeling that some fucked up guy comes sprinting past me with an arm full of tools and belts for construction or carpentry or that kind of stuff.

The guy goes running past me to a nearby staircase where he stops, turns around and starts yelling shit at the top of his lungs to a security guard and some dude who reminded me of Borat who were close behind him. He yells shit like "I'm gonna fuk you up cock-a-roackes" like he's Tony Montana. Now for obviously reasons this got me immediate attention because I was only a few feet away and I move closer to see if I can help the security guard and Borat. Crazy guy sees me now getting closer to him and pulls a hammer out from the tool belt and begins to wave it around threatening us and anyone nearby.

Are you fucking kidding me? There are kids outplaying in the nearby park, and elderly people walking their expensive dogs and this lunatic is going to wave a hammer around like he's going to kill somebody, NOT ON MY FUCKING WATCH HE'S NOT.

I move in close and the security guard and Borat try to tackle the guy from the other side but all they managed to do was get the guy more pissed off. Now I don't know what this dude's problem is, he could be stoned, drunk, or have some mental fuck up upstairs for all I know, either way I'm not going to charge the fucking guy when he's least not until I have the upper hand, that's a good way to get a hammer in the side of the head and frankly I would like to have a semi functional brain THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

So I try a different approach, I calmy walk right up in front of the crazy guy who's waving the hammer all over the place, look him square in the eye and tell him in a calm loud voice "You don't want this shit, put the hammer down NOW".....and you know what he actually listened and threw the hammer behind him, he stood there starring at me as I kept eye contact. It was kinda like that scene in that movie Crocodile Dundee where the main character calms down the water buffalo or whatever it was by staring it down and chanting some stuff, only this time the water buffalo was some fucking crazy dude in pajama pants and a wife beater.

Now as I'm doing this I'm trying to signal to the security guard and Borat to get behind this crazy fuck and help me take him to the ground, neither one got the message, but at least they kept their distance and blocked this guy's escape route. Fortunately a minute later about a half dozen cop cars show up and almost a dozen cops appeared ready to fuck this guy up, and in Vancouver they don't fuck around and where on him faster then you can say "What the fu...."

In the end nobody got hurt except for the security guard who had a cut on his hand from the hammer, and the crazy fucker who got a face full of sidewalk when they slapped the cuffs on him.....GOOD TIMES HAD BY ALL.

Random Hottie Of This Post

Erica Cerra

Random Video Of This Post

Monday, August 16, 2010

A Day At The Spa

Today being my last full day in Tofino I needed to do something drastic to get in a better state of mind. While being close to the ocean and hardly any people around me has helped a lot it hasn't been enough to get me into that happy state of being where everything is wonderful and fucking magical, and elves are playing harps on the back of unicorns or some shit like that. So I did something I've never done in my life....went to the spa.

I know some guys out there would probably give me flak and call me a fairy or a sissy bitch for going, to them I say this.....FUCK YOU, YOU DONKEY RAPING SHIT EATER, I KNOW YOU SECRETLY WEAR YOU'RE MOTHERS CLOTHES. THAT DODGE HEMI YOU OWN DOESN'T MAKE YOU'RE DICK BIGGER EITHER ASSHOLE.........I mean errr go to hell.

So getting back on target here, yeah I went to the spa. Now being a virgin to the whole relaxation thingy I didn't know what to expect. First off guys there were hot blond chicks coming out of every corner, not a bad first impression I thought. While I was trying hard not to stare and look like a fucking perv I realised they were playing some Celtic type music, Enya or Enigma or something close to that, another good impression for a first timer since I like that kind of music when I need to chill out or sleep.

I'm talking with the receptionist about different types of treatments you can get, stuff like pedicures and manicures, some type of massage you can get with hot stones and something called hydrotherapy. At first I thought it would involve fighting one of the multi headed snake things, which doesn't sound very relaxing though it would be a shit load of fun if I get a machine gun. I sure as fuck don't want to go toe to toe with a giant multi headed fucking snake with a sharp pointy stick, or my math solving prowless. I'd get fucked up faster then a choir boy in prison. Fortunately I was totally wrong it's like some sort or hot tub thing with over a hundred jets, now I'm thinking "Hmmmmm hot tub plus hot blonde's equals good times had by all" So naturally that's the one I decided to go with.

I go to change into a bathrobe and await my therapy, and out walks this guy, well call him Hanz. Hanz tells me he'll be taking care of me............ummmm what the fuck happened to the hot blonde's? I counted no less then 5 of them, I'm sure they weren't all busy WHAT THE FUCK? I play it cool maybe one of the blonde's is getting the room ready or something. He brings me a copper tub full of hot water and marbles to help relax my feet before I hit the tub, which I gotta admit felt pretty good.

Now it comes time to hit the tub for some hydrotherapy. Hanz opens the door and was there some hot blond waiting for me......nope just a fucking candle lit room and a mammoth fucking contraction that looks like it could send me back in time (apparently this is the hot tub thingy) Hanz starts to give me the run down, explaining everything such as where the emergency button is if I should happen to drown, and where some water and ice is. I stop him in mid sentence look him square in the eye and ask him:

"Ummm you're not getting in this tub with me are you, because I didn't bring a bathing suit I don't think getting naked with another dude is going to make me very relaxed!"

Hanz laughs.......nervously, then tells me the tub is just for me and me alone (Thank fuck if Hanz got in there with me I would go ape shit in a second) Hanz sets the timer for twenty minutes and leaves me alone with the contraption.

I jump in not really knowing what I was in for, I've been in hot tubs before and those bathtubs that have jets and shit so I thought it was going to be something close to that.............NOT EVEN FUCKING CLOSE. In about two seconds I'm hit on all sides by about a dozen jets, it was all I could do to hold onto the handles, but fuck me did it feel good. The massive knots in my back and shoulders literally disappeared and after a couple seconds of getting adjusted to this machine I was able to start to relax. I even did something that I haven't done since just before new year's eve 2000 and fucking 9.........I actually had a smile on my face. After a few minutes it all became a blur as my ability to form coherent sentences was temporally lost and replaced by thoughts like:

" Me likey water........Ummmmmm....."
" Rubber ducky makey splashy ..........."
" Blahhhhhhhh...............Muhahahah......burp"
" Uhhhhh thwerwkhr.....eheh...........thkaksdthhtkehehrkfhkdfht.........what he said"

Then like a good dream it was over, you know the kind where you think you're James Bond and driving at mach fucking 10 in a Austin Martin with Pussy Galore (Fuck I love the names they used to give the Bond Girls such as Holly Goodhead, and Plenty O'Toole) then you wake up just before you get some. Now instead of taking my time and slowly getting out of the thing which is what I SHOULD have done, I literally jump out of the tube...........BAD FUCKING MOVE ON MY PART. Instantly I have the urge to puke, shit, and fall over at the same time.......AND I WAS FUCKING SOBER. My first step out of the tub and I dam near go face first into the tile floor. I then have to spend the next few minutes trying to dry off while holding onto the wall and holding the towel in my teeth as I try to pat myself dry, which meant a lot of dry humping the wall........yeah it wasn't pretty folks.

Now finally dressed and semi coherent I stumble out of the room to be greeted by Hanz in the hallway.

"Did you enjoy it?" He asked in a think German/ Austrian whatever the fuck accent. Sorry but every time he spoke all I could think about was black and white clips off Stuka dive bombers and Panzer tanks crushing Poland. I know that's wrong of me Germans and Austrians are wonderful people, they were just a little "Unhappy" between the years 1939 to 1945. Which brings me to my next point........DON'T PISS OFF THE GERMANS THERE DUE FOR A WIN.

And that my loyal stalkers followers is the tale of my trip to the spa. I'm not sure if I feel any more relaxed then when I started.............but hey it could have been worse.

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Gloria Velez

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Friday, August 13, 2010

Live From Tofino It's Fuck You Friday

Greetings fuckers, you're probably wondering where the hell is Tofino it sounds like some kind of meat substitute poop people put in sandwiches. It's a little town on the west side of Vancouver island and it's where I'm getting some much needed rest from the bullshit of the mainland.

So without further delay here we go:

1st off FUCK YOU to the asshole who kicked my dog, I'm still pissed off about that even though that was a few days ago. You are a pathetic little bitch who kicks like a 5 year old girl. AND WHAT FUCKING GROWN MAN KICKS A MAN IN THE ASS ANYWAYS?

FUCK YOU to all the assholes who started to gather around because I was yelling at this asshole and started to give me shit. News flash it's none of your fucking business and unless you saw the whole thing keep you pie holes shut and walk away. You standing there telling me to stop picking on the guy isn't helping and you have no fucking clue.

FUCK YOU to the bitch in the black BMW who almost rammed into the front of my car. You were turning on a green light and I had the right of way, and yet you yell at me because you're brain dead. Put down the cell phone and pay attention you stupid cow. Besides driving and talking on a cell phone is illegal in BC bitch.

FUCK YOU to the cop who gave me a speeding ticked on the way to Tofino, sure you were nice enough and reduced the ticket. Sure you were nice enough to give me directions to the hotel. But fuck I was trying to pass a guy who was driving slower then old people fuck.

FUCK YOU to the nosey fucker who wants to ask me a million questions about my personnel life and then gets pissed because I don't answer any of them. MY LIFE IS NOT ANY OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS ASSHOLE.

FUCK YOU to all the assholes who gave me dirty looks as I went home the other night. Are you fucking kidding me, I really doubt any of you fuckers were even born in Canada and yet you look at me like I'm scum.

FUCK YOU to the homeless guy who sat his ass right beside my car and demanded change from everyone. Listen we all know you're just going to blow it on booze or drugs. And no I'm not going to give you my change not the first time you asked, not the second time, and especially not the third when you got in my face and demanded it. I am not a fucking bank or an ATM. If you were polite and respectful you would probably get some change. Yelling "Hey bitch you can spare a buck" to my friend or to all the women who passed by pretty much guarantees you're getting a boot in the ass not a quarter.

And that's all I have to say about that.

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Lucy Lawless

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Monday, August 9, 2010

Kick My Dog I Don't Think So

You ever have one of those days where it seems that the assholes of the world just want to fuck with you’re shit? Well today was one of those days for me. Now I have to admit the majority of the day went alright, I mean no goofy shit happened, no birds shit on me, and no assholes on a cell phone almost ran over me. However there was an ass clown who kicked my dog.

Yeah kicked my fucking dog……….you want me to do drill sergeant on you’re ass faster then a fat kid on a smartie, do something mean to my dog and see what happens.

Here’s how it went down:

Usually in the afternoon I like to take my dog for a quick walk before going home, my apartment doesn’t allow dogs so he stays with my ex until I can get a pet friendly place. I’m not even ten minutes from her place when I walk past some bitter middle aged ass fuck and his dumpy dorky looking wife (I think that was his wife). Anyways this guy is grouchy and bitching about who knows what, because he was swearing about something. As I’m walking past my dog catches the scent of something and gets closer to this asshole, who in turn boots my dog.

Now before you start to ask “Why didn’t you control you’re dog?’ he was on a four foot leash he moved only a few inches towards this guy. He’s also not a mean vicious looking animal, sure if he was a big 100 lb German Sheppard, or large breed dog like that I could understand the guy being startled and wanting that animal away from him. MY DOG IS 20 FUCKING POUNDS OF FLUFF FOR FUCK’S SAKE. He might be a foot and half tall if he stands on his back legs, AND HE AINT FUCKING VICIOUS. He’s a cross between a Shi Tzu, Cocker Spaniel, and Poodle, not exactly a Pit Bull for fuck’s sake.

When this turd kicked my dog he gave him a sharp boot that caused him to yelp, not loudly like he was started, but a low grunt yelp that I could tell hurt him. Needless to say I was fucking pissed off royally, I tried to keep my cool though I really did.

I calmly turned around looked this turd in the eye and asked him “Did you just kick my dog?”

Turd replied “Yeah I kicked you’re dog keep the little shit controlled, he’s out of control”

20 Fucking pounds is out of control?? What glue is this pussy bitch sniffing? I took a step closer and he tries to kick my dog a second time, this time as I’m watching him. Well………NOW I LOOSE MY SHIT. I get right in his face and yell at this turd not to fucking touch my dog. I go to point my finger in his face and he moves his face closer, this resulted in my finger scratching near his left eye and jabbing him in the eyeball which drew blood (not his eye but near it….the assholes eye is fine)

And guess what he does next?

He starts swearing and sissy kicking me like he’s a 5 year old girl trying not to get kooties, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME………YOU’RE LIKE 45 OR 50 YEARS OLD AND YOU KICK LIKE A BITCH, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?

I won’t lie I wanted to pound this shit’s face into the sidewalk and turn him into a greasy smear right in front of his wife and I wouldn’t loose a minute of sleep afterwards. I held back thought attempting to keep the higher ground, after all he was already bleeding from my finger of all fucking things I didn’t want to watch a grown man cry. I turn around to walk away in disgust, and guess what he does………HE KICKS ME IN THE ASS. Not only is this a cowardly move, but he kicks like a pussy bitch. I kicked harder when I was 5 then he did, he didn’t even get my jeans dirty.

I spin around and get right back in his face, something he wasn’t expecting. Also being about half a foot taller and much bigger then him this immediately scared him because he began to cower where he stood. I dared him to try to kick me again, he refused. I dared him three more times, each time that cowardly fuck back up, once almost tripping over his own feet. At this point his wife was saying shit in the background and a crowd had formed all yelling at me thinking I’m picking on some middle aged guy. Of course it’s easy for those fucks to yell at me because they don’t have a clue as to what’s going on, and only got interested because I was the loudest person out there.

I don’t fucking care how much money you have or how important YOU THINK YOU ARE you never……..NEVER kick somebody’s dog, not a harmless fluff ball like mine. All because he sniffed something near this assholes feet. Would it have been so fucking hard to say something like “Excuse me can you keep you’re dog away from me please.” Is that really so hard to do. Will his head burst into flames if he says something like that and tries to treat others with respect? If he had said something like that I would have had no problems with that at all, I would have even apologized for my dog’s actions. Instead he pissed off this ex army fucker who knows a thing or two about unarmed combat and has no problems with using those skills. AND I SURE AS HELL AM NOT GOING TO TAKE ANY SHIT FROM A PUSSY LITTLE PENCIL PUSHING BITCH. Even if he was a big guy my reaction would be the same, I don’t tolerate that kind of shit, not from anybody.

This is my dog, as you can see he's not exactly a vicious killer attack dog....he's a big fucking suck. Any asshole that wants to kick him has something wrong upstairs, and is going to be dealing with a very pissed off Wolf.

Random Hottie Of This Post

Scarlett Johansson

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Friday, August 6, 2010

And Now Another Edition Of Fuck You Friday

So here we are it's another Friday night, and the world is all fucking magical and elves are dancing and singing.....yeah fuck that shit I want napalm dropped on those little bastards from a fighter jet. It's been a busy week for this wolf, courses all manner of shit, some good, some bad, some well just meh. But I know I couldn't leave all my loyal STALKERS followers (all 2 of you) alone and scared, so here is another post to keep you going.

So here we go:

Fuck you to the fucking seagull who thought my head would be an excellent target to shit on. I was covered all over the place with bird shit that look like moldy milk and half chewed. Thanks you fucking shit hawk I really love being covered in you're fucking ass droppings. If you EVER land where I can catch you I'll hold you down and shit on you to give you a taste of what it feels like you feathered fuck.

Fuck you to the fat American family from the middle of nowhere Alabama who thought me being covered in shit was funny. 10 more feet ass wipes....10 more feet and you your fat cow of a wife, and you're little shit 14 year old offspring would be wearing it. By the way those ice cream bars that were dripping down your shirts arn't going to make you skinny.

Fuck you to the creepy weirdo on the mountain bike who started to sing to me about how you and you're brother have a million dollars in the bank. Let's get it clear asshole 1. I doubt your a millionaire 2. You smelled like piss and cheap booze 3. If you had a million dollars I don't give a rat's ass 4. Leave me the fuck alone.

Fuck you to the asshole who ran a red light and almost ran me over. Get you're head out of you're ass numb nuts. You missed me by an inch and you yell at me you shit stain, and you're confused why I wanted to punch you in the face..............good job dumb ass.

Fuck you to the three stuck up bitches who couldn't move one fucking foot over so I could get past them when I went for my last run. I know you saw me coming, I know you heard me say "Excuse me please", and you knew I had no fucking place to go but along the edge. But no you didn't move over so I had to otherwise I would have plowed right into you're stupid asses. In doing so I twisted my knee. Have you ever had a knee injury bitches, it's not fun.........I hope you get herpes.

Fuck you HST (Harmonized Sales Tax) which the province just brought in. My last grocery bill went up 20 bucks. I hope you plan on doing something useful with the money like...............anything but hookers and blow you crooked greedy shits.

And last but not least Fuck you to google keywords, are you fucking serious that people use the term "DON'T TURN THIS RAPE INTO A MURDER" to find my blog, or how bout "VANCOUVER GAY ESCORTS" what the fuck kind of game are you playing with me Google? Do I have to smack a search engine?

So that sums it up for this weeks Fuck you Friday, and now go make me a sandwich.

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Sunday, August 1, 2010

It's New Video Time Kiddies

Okay people time once again for another little video brought to you by the fucker that is me, or as the French would say moi. This one is from one of my all time favorite movies The Terminator. The song is by ACDC and is called Big Gun, should be pretty easy to remember I would think. ACDC after all isn't known for overly complicated music. I also figure nothing goes as well together as an old school movie and some old school tunes

Hope you like it and let me know what you think. Also check out my other stuff on You Tube, there's a giant fucking You Tube button on the sidebar, if you can't find it you could be what they call "special". It's okay though I'm sure somebody will help you find you're baseball.

Random Hottie Of This Post

Maggie Q


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