Okay I'm fucking pissed. Tonight I was watching the news, they were covering the recent dump of snow we just had, which by the way is pretty minimal yet the city was in shut down mode. Seriously 15 mm or about an inch and half of snow and buses shut down for the morning, schools were closed, the international airport had major delays, and even one of the sky trains had to stop for a few hours because there was too much ice and nobody seemed to know how to remove it.........BUT THAT'S NOT WHY I'M PISSED. Frankly I found all of that rather funny given that most of Canada has between 4 to 6 months of retarded fucking cold winters that make you pray for global warming.
What really pissed me the fuck off was this one story about this ass clown over on Vancouver island. Some 20 year old shit smear decided it would be a great idea even though the roads were icy and shit to do about 205 km/h that's almost double the speed limit on the island highway in good weather. And his excuse.....because he wanted to beat the oncoming snow.....WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT. The police couldn't even pursue this guy because the road conditions were too crappy for them and it would put the public in more danger, so they had to set up a road block to stop the guy. But you know what part of this really got on my nerves, it was the fact that this guy basically got a slap on the wrist. His punishment for putting dozens of peoples lives in danger was a $468 dollar fine, and the car he was driving WHICH WASN'T EVEN HIS was impounded for 7 days. Now they might be able in court to have the car removed from the owner and sold at an auction for charity but still what a load of shit.
If I gave some fucking psycho a gun and a handful of bullets and that fucker went on a shooting spree and killed some people I would go to jail for helping him. Sure I didn't actually kill anyone and wasn't there, but it would still be my gun. So why the fuck is this any different? Thankfully he didn't kill anyone but he could have very easily, and on that same highway 10 minutes after he was caught another car which was very similar even in color hit a logging truck and two people died, and they were obeying the speed limit. And yet this shit head walks away with a small fine.
If he had killed someone I guarantee you he wouldn't have been charged with murder, the ass clown who lent him the car who is probably as big of a fucking douche bag as the driver is would probably receive no punishment either. Personally I think both of these idiots should be dragged through the streets and beaten until some fucking sense is in them, and given that assholes actions, that could be a long fucking time.
I FUCKING HATE SHOPPING. Yeah I said it I fucking hate it, I can't stand the lines, the screaming out of control kids and their vacant starring parents who are off in la la land. The aggressive little ole grannies who ran their carts into you're shins because they are in dire need of that TV dinner before Matlock comes on.......THE FUCKING SHOW HAS BEEN IN SYNDICATION FOR OVER A DECADE YOU OLD BITCH I'M PRETTY SURE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO MISS MUCH. Besides you'll probably just forget about it in five minutes anyway.
Now you may notice I'm a little more angry and bitter then usual in this post compared to my usual self, and that's because an image was burned into my soul today while grocery shopping at the nearest Safeway. An image of horror AND I'VE SEEN SOME SCARY ASS SHIT IN MY LIFE THUS FAR. Apart from the usual ass wranglers who I have to deal with when I go grocery shopping was this one fucker who was in front of me while I was in line to pay for my groceries that I spent forever trying to find because I didn't have the slightest fucking clue as to where anything was.
That image was of this old fucker in skin tight super short daisy duke shorts THAT WERE FUCKINGWHITE, white like a damn 81 Trans Am rockin out to White Snake kinda white. Now I do not, I repeat DO NOT give a shit how fucking fabulous you're legs might be.............DUDES DO NOT WEAR TIGHTDENIM SHORTS. Oh and they do not bend over and expose their hairy ass crack to me while picking up change, the least you could have done you asshole is walk away........just walk away. The only dudes that wear these kind of shorts are usually out trolling for trouser snake and this dude was straight, why because his wife was right in front of him helping him unload the cart.
Now maybe this guy like many are caught in a time warp, perhaps his tiny little brain can't fathom the fact that it is not the year 1984 and that the Dukes of Hazzard isn't the number one TV show (though it's way fucking better then the garbage they call TV these days with all the reality shit) But even if he is WHERE THEFUCK IS HIS WIFE TO SLAP SOME SENSE INTO THIS FUCKER, is she challenged too? Was she drunk? Is she into that sort of shit? If that's the case, keep it in the bedroom you wrinkly fucks.
I do not need to see this shit, I have enough nightmares as it is, so please for the love of whatever god you believe in DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE UNLESS YOU'RE DRESSED NORMALLY. If I see another fucking dude in white daisy dukes I will stop what I'm doing no matter what it is, walk over and skull fuck you with some sort of blunt object......perhaps a spoon because it hurts more.
Now please excuse me while I crawl under my desk and cry.
Douche bags, these fuckers are everywhere. From the grocery store to that run down adult video store where Carlos sells crack beside the dumpster in the alley (Carlos wanted me to tell you that on Tuesdays if you spend 100 dollars you get a 10 dollar gift coupon) Some of these fucking douche bags don't even realize that they are douche bags, and that is truly scary. So I thought I would put together a list of tell tale signs that either someone you know is a douche bag. Remember there is no cure for being a douche bag other then a swift back handed bitch slap (Repeat twice a day or as many times as required. You can also hit them in the face with a dirty sock full of pennies)
The Urban Dictionary defines a douche bag as :
Someone who has surpassed the levels of jerk and asshole, however not yet reached fucker or motherfucker.
An example would be :
Rob:He kept hitting on my girlfriend at the party, he just wouldn't leave her alone!!
Sam: God, what a douche bag
Here are some of the signs :
If you think yelling above everyone else about how much money you have, or that you just made some big fucking financial deal makes you look like an all star YOU ARE A DOUCHE BAG.
If you're walking down the street and think it would be the fucking greatest idea in the worked to hork up snot and spit it on the ground right in front of someone YOU ARE A DOUCHE BAG.
If you go into a building and instead of holding the door open for the person behind you FOR A WHOLE TWO FUCKING SECONDS, but instead let it slam in their face YOU ARE A DOUCHE BAG COCK JAWS.
If you're one of those tweeny teenage fuck sticks who insist on giggling, throwing popcorn or in general being a loud mouthed little shit smear when people who used their own money NOT MOMMY AND DADDY'S to pay to watch that movie YOU ARE MOST CERTAINLY A DOUCHE BAG.
If you're too fucking lazy to use a turn signal but instead just cut everyone off and then wonder why somebody is flipping you off YOU ARE A STUPID DOUCHE BAG.
If you think it's a great idea to get drunk at you're buddies place and try to grab everyone's wife and girlfriends ass, you not only deserve a severe ass kicking YOU ARE ALSO A DOUCHE BAG.
If you're one of those lazy little shits who can't be bothered to pick up after you're dog who just left a nice fresh steamer in the middle of the sidewalk YOU ARE A DOUCHE BAG.
If you're the type of person who never shuts up about themselves and thinks their the greatest human being in the entire history of the fucking universe YOU ARE A DOUCHE BAG.
If you're the type of person who fucks another person in the ass and doesn't have the God damn common courtesy to give them a reach around YOU ARE A FUCKING DOUCHE BAG.
If you're the type of person who owns a monster sized fucking Doge Hemi quad cab, extra long box, no muffler, flames shooting off the side, sticker of Kalvin pissing on a Ford logo, and plastic balls dangling from the rear axle of you're truck to make up for you're shortfalls. And you drive that monster sized Doge Hemi like a fucking moron, and act like the road is you're personal fucking race track, and have no fucking respect for the thousands of other drivers, pedestrians, or anyone else on or near the road YUP YOU GUESSED IT YOU ARE A FUCKING DOUCHE BAG.
If you're one of those educated fucks who think that because you went to some fancy ass school that you're automatically better then anyone YOU ARE A DOUCHE BAG.
If you're from Toronto and not only think it's the center of the universe but think their hockey team the Toronto Maple Leafs are the greatest hockey team in the fucking universe FUCK I HATE YOU AND YES YOU ARE INDEED A DOUCHE BAG.
If you're too fucking lazy to get off your ass and make that sandwich you're fat ass is craving, but instead yell at you're significant other to make it for you YOU ARE A DOUCHE BAG.
And last but not least :
If you are a puke piece of dog shit who insists on being as rude as humanly possible to others because you're life is a sad never ending misery parade and you secretly pray each day for death YOU ARE A DOUCHE BAG.
Hope that clarified it for you, now you to can spot a douche bag.
Way back in July I wrote a post about things I would say to famous stupid people if I had the opportunity to talk to them face to face. (Click here to see that post) Well since there is no shortage of fucking stupid people, or famous dumb assholes out there and their ridiculous antics, I decided a second post on the matter was the right thing to do.
Here's what I would say to them again.
Kim Jong Il
"First and foremost I want to congratulate you on you're 65th workers party celebration, who would have thought that with starvation, crumbling infastructure, and a highly oppressive regime you fascist fucks would have stayed in power for so long, good job. It's great to see a slimy self centered little fucking psychopath who tries to dress like Yoda trample all those below yourself. Oh let's not forget the massive brainwashing bullshit that you've pulled over you're countries eyes. I fucking love how you claim to be this great leader and you're country is a shit hole, you don't even have enough power to keep the street lights on. And good luck trying to take over South Korea with all that antiquated shit you're armed forces use you fat fuck."
Kim Kardashian
"Dear Miss or Mrs (I don't know or care) Kardashian
Let my start by saying WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO BECOME FAMOUS? I really don't know. I heard you were in Playboy, and I heard something about a sex tape. Simply wow is that all I need to do to get famous is make an "accidental" sex tape that mysteriously gets leaked out into the Internet for every basement dwelling nerd to spank his hobbit too. If that's the case maybe I should make one........on second thought maybe, why because A. I don't fucking want to, and B. I'm not going to result to doing something so stupid to make a name for myself. What the fuck happened to being famous for something notable such as discovering a cure for a disease, or breaking a world record.....you something that was hard as hell but you sucked it up and overcame the challenge. No instead you just spread you're legs and bat you're eyes you fucking twit."
Megan Fox
"I'm not going to lie I like millions of men and women around the globe would love to do the nasty with you. But apart from you're looks and large "assets" you are frankly the most annoying overrated so called actress of the last 20 fucking years. You have no talent, and you sound like you smoke 4 packs of Malboro's a day. What's going to happen when those looks fade and theres not enough makeup or photoshop to touch you up, sure you'll be rich unless you're like many others who've become famous and blew it all on drugs and stupid shit like gold plated toilet seats.........WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A GOLD PLATED TOILET SEAT ANYWAY? Sure I bet it would be awesome to take a crap on an expensive metal, but apart from that it's just ridiculous."
Conrad Black
"Wow simply fucking wow you arrogant prick. I love how you blatantly stole millions, went to some cushy "prison" where you wrote a newspaper column and lectured other "prisoners". Only to get to walk out of jail after a short sentence. First off you should still be in jail and not some resort prison like where you ended up but somewhere like Folsom prison with guys going 25 to life for murder. I'd love to see how you'd survive in there, maybe the Aryan nation will take you in and protect you if you do them a "favour", and by favour I mean be their bitch."
Tyra Banks
"Shut the fuck up you're wasting precious oxygen."
That's it for this post, though I'm positive that will be a part three given that there is a very long list of shit turbines out there.
So here we are it's another Friday night, and the world is all fucking magical and elves are dancing and singing.....yeah fuck that shit I want napalm dropped on those little bastards from a fighter jet. It's been a busy week for this wolf, courses all manner of shit, some good, some bad, some well just meh. But I know I couldn't leave all my loyal STALKERS followers (all 2 of you) alone and scared, so here is another post to keep you going.
So here we go:
Fuck you to the fucking seagull who thought my head would be an excellent target to shit on. I was covered all over the place with bird shit that look like moldy milk and half chewed. Thanks you fucking shit hawk I really love being covered in you're fucking ass droppings. If you EVER land where I can catch you I'll hold you down and shit on you to give you a taste of what it feels like you feathered fuck.
Fuck you to the fat American family from the middle of nowhere Alabama who thought me being covered in shit was funny. 10 more feet ass wipes....10 more feet and you your fat cow of a wife, and you're little shit 14 year old offspring would be wearing it. By the way those ice cream bars that were dripping down your shirts arn't going to make you skinny.
Fuck you to the creepy weirdo on the mountain bike who started to sing to me about how you and you're brother have a million dollars in the bank. Let's get it clear asshole 1. I doubt your a millionaire 2. You smelled like piss and cheap booze 3. If you had a million dollars I don't give a rat's ass 4. Leave me the fuck alone.
Fuck you to the asshole who ran a red light and almost ran me over. Get you're head out of you're ass numb nuts. You missed me by an inch and you yell at me you shit stain, and you're confused why I wanted to punch you in the face..............good job dumb ass.
Fuck you to the three stuck up bitches who couldn't move one fucking foot over so I could get past them when I went for my last run. I know you saw me coming, I know you heard me say "Excuse me please", and you knew I had no fucking place to go but along the edge. But no you didn't move over so I had to otherwise I would have plowed right into you're stupid asses. In doing so I twisted my knee. Have you ever had a knee injury bitches, it's not fun.........I hope you get herpes.
Fuck you HST (Harmonized Sales Tax) which the province just brought in. My last grocery bill went up 20 bucks. I hope you plan on doing something useful with the money like...............anything but hookers and blow you crooked greedy shits.
And last but not least Fuck you to google keywords, are you fucking serious that people use the term "DON'T TURN THIS RAPE INTO A MURDER" to find my blog, really...wow or how bout "VANCOUVER GAY ESCORTS" what the fuck kind of game are you playing with me Google? Do I have to smack a search engine?
So that sums it up for this weeks Fuck you Friday, and now go make me a sandwich.
