Sunday, November 14, 2010

You Might Be A Douche Bag If.......

Douche bags, these fuckers are everywhere. From the grocery store to that run down adult video store where Carlos sells crack beside the dumpster in the alley (Carlos wanted me to tell you that on Tuesdays if you spend 100 dollars you get a 10 dollar gift coupon) Some of these fucking douche bags don't even realize that they are douche bags, and that is truly scary. So I thought I would put together a list of tell tale signs that either someone you know is a douche bag. Remember there is no cure for being a douche bag other then a swift back handed bitch slap (Repeat twice a day or as many times as required. You can also hit them in the face with a dirty sock full of pennies)

The Urban Dictionary defines a douche bag as :

Someone who has surpassed the levels of jerk and asshole, however not yet reached fucker or motherfucker.

An example would be :

Rob:He kept hitting on my girlfriend at the party, he just wouldn't leave her alone!!

Sam: God, what a douche bag
Here are some of the signs :
If you think yelling above everyone else about how much money you have, or that you just made some big fucking financial deal makes you look like an all star YOU ARE A DOUCHE BAG.

If you're walking down the street and think it would be the fucking greatest idea in the worked to hork up snot and spit it on the ground right in front of someone YOU ARE A DOUCHE BAG.

If you go into a building and instead of holding the door open for the person behind you FOR A WHOLE TWO FUCKING SECONDS, but instead let it slam in their face YOU ARE A DOUCHE BAG COCK JAWS.

If you're one of those tweeny teenage fuck sticks who insist on giggling, throwing popcorn or in general being a loud mouthed little shit smear when people who used their own money NOT MOMMY AND DADDY'S to pay to watch that movie YOU ARE MOST CERTAINLY A DOUCHE BAG.

If you're too fucking lazy to use a turn signal but instead just cut everyone off and then wonder why somebody is flipping you off YOU ARE A STUPID DOUCHE BAG.

If you think it's a great idea to get drunk at you're buddies place and try to grab everyone's wife and girlfriends ass, you not only deserve a severe ass kicking YOU ARE ALSO A DOUCHE BAG.

If you're one of those lazy little shits who can't be bothered to pick up after you're dog who just left a nice fresh steamer in the middle of the sidewalk YOU ARE A DOUCHE BAG.

If you're the type of person who never shuts up about themselves and thinks their the greatest human being in the entire history of the fucking universe YOU ARE A DOUCHE BAG.

If you're the type of person who fucks another person in the ass and doesn't have the God damn common courtesy to give them a reach around YOU ARE A FUCKING DOUCHE BAG.

If you're the type of person who owns a monster sized fucking Doge Hemi quad cab, extra long box, no muffler, flames shooting off the side, sticker of Kalvin pissing on a Ford logo, and plastic balls dangling from the rear axle of you're truck to make up for you're shortfalls. And you drive that monster sized Doge Hemi like a fucking moron, and act like the road is you're personal fucking race track, and have no fucking respect for the thousands of other drivers, pedestrians, or anyone else on or near the road YUP YOU GUESSED IT YOU ARE A FUCKING DOUCHE BAG.

 If you're one of those educated fucks who think that because you went to some fancy ass school that you're automatically better then anyone YOU ARE A DOUCHE BAG.

If you're from Toronto and not only think it's the center of the universe but think their hockey team the Toronto Maple Leafs are the greatest hockey team in the fucking universe FUCK I HATE YOU AND YES YOU ARE INDEED A DOUCHE BAG.

If you're too fucking lazy to get off your ass and make that sandwich you're fat ass is craving, but instead yell at you're significant other to make it for you YOU ARE A DOUCHE BAG.

And last but not least :

If you are a puke piece of dog shit who insists on being as rude as humanly possible to others because you're life is a sad never ending misery parade and you secretly pray each day for death YOU ARE A DOUCHE BAG.

Hope that clarified it for you, now you to can spot a douche bag.

Random Hottie Of This Post

Natalie Dormer

Random Video Of This Post


Gorilla Bananas said...

All the vanilla douche bags will now be looking down on the stupid, fucking and cock-jaws douche bags. That's a pretty clever divide-and-rule tactic.

The Wolf said...

Gorilla Bananas I see you spotted my plan to start an all out douche bag war

Copyboy said...

DB post reminds me of CB rants!

The Wolf said...

Me and CB do think alike Copyboy, I do miss her rants they were always interesting.

klahanie said...

There are a lot of douche bags out there. And if you are a commentator for the CBC and give bias commentating towards the Maple Leafs against the Vancouver Canucks, then you are very much a douche bag!

Dutchess said...

Down with douche bags! Unless you are a stinky pussy and then, by all means, please be a douche bag.

The Wolf said...

Klahanie that's one major reason why I hate the CBC like many things in Canada they only really give a shit about everything east of Manitoba. They are indeed douche bags.

Those are words of wisdom Dutchess

Anonymous said...

Douche bag is one of my favorite words...EVER.

And you nailed have defined the essence of douche bag! LOVES!

Kelly said...

Inconsiderate tweeny movie-going douche bags need a swift kick to the nuts or camel toes. They drive me insane. Short drive there, ya know.

You've accurately described the signs of douchebag-yness. And the hottie you have for the day looks mean... Like she would happily rip off your ding dong if you attempted to slip the ol' meat thermometer in her coochie poo.

Mmm... Sweet.

Might I add that the description you give on the douche bag that drives the Hemi sounds like you're talkin' 'bout one asshole in particular.

Must go now. You're inspiring me to go on a killing spree again. Aloha.

Max Evel said...

Let's not put down the douche bag. They do keep it fresh .

The Wolf said...

Douche bag is such a wonderful word, just like boobies Boobies.

Kelly spoken like a wise man. As for Natalie Dormer I don't know if she's mean, she did lose her head on a show called the Tudors which would make anyone kinda cranky I guess.

Max Evel yes they do have their uses and that is an important one. But one good deed does not erase all their bullshit


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