Wednesday, September 22, 2010

New Reality Show Ideas

I've come to the realization that no matter how much I bitch about these annoying reality shows it looks like their here to stay, I guess I don't have much pull with those ass clown network execs. Since they want to keep these on T.V I thought I would throw out some ideas, to make these shows watchable and a lot more entertaining then the typical high school drama and popularity contests that most of these types of shows tend to be.

Here are my ideas

1. Replace Survivor with Land Mine Island

I got this idea from the show Robot Chicken (Fucking outstanding show by the way), here's my twist on it. Keep the idea of random Joe Blow fuckers going to some scenic tropical paradise. Make them get dirty, eat bugs, throw shit at each other, and bitch about so and so not being a team player or a back stabbing bitch...........but have landmines everywhere. And not you're run of the mill anti-personnel mines but Bouncing Betty's, these are the ones that shoot about a foot or two in the air and then explode. Their soul purpose is to fuck you're shit up but no necessarily kill you, just remove you're legs and balls and make you wish you were dead.

And having mines everywhere keeps it random, you don't know when some jack ass is going to get it. They could be going to the pee tree, or on the way to tribal council........and BAM no legs. Ah I can smell an Emmy.

2. Replace Dancing With The Stars with Dances With Pit Bulls While Covered In Meat

Instead of watching bottom barrel celebs dance and smile like stupid fucks, have them dance in a pit full of starving pit bulls while covered in raw meat. I'd love to see one of those fuckers try to do the waltz while fending off a vicious attack dog.

3. Replace The Apprentice with The Apprentice Gladiator Style

Same idea "The Donald" gathers a bunch of brown nosing ass lickers in expensive suits who compete to work for the worst comb over in the world. But instead of bullshit tasks such as sell ice cream to rich fuckers near Wall Street, or some other shit to raise money for some multi million dollar company, have them square off in an arena. Let them keep their suits and briefcases but give them a knife, sword, or pointy stick and have them fight it out for glory and possibly a job. If both survive the fight throw a fucking lion into the mix.....good times had by all.

4. Replace America's Next Top Model with Make That Skinny Model Bitch Eat A Cheeseburger

For this idea totally scrap the whole model thing, you know the posing, photo shoots, and bitch fests, and what not. Instead take a bunch of skinny bitchy models who won't shut the fuck up, strap them in front of a bench and force feed cheeseburgers down their throat. And not just any burger, but the old fashioned greasy burgers you get at McDonald's, the kind you crave when you have a hangover and no time else. This show would have no winners just wave after wave of these annoying bitches getting force feed until they puke.

5. Replace America's Got Talent with Every Time Howie Mandel Speaks Slap That Bitch

The idea is simple keep the show pretty much the same except that every time Howie Mandel Speaks circus music starts to play and random people walk up and bitch slap that fucker into next week. For the record I hate that creepy bald headed germaphobic anal trucker. This happens for at least two minutes until that fucker is either knocked out, or crying and wetting his panties under that desk, at which point the normal show resumes.

6. Replace Hell's Kitchen with Gordon Ramsey Screaming At Every Living Thing

Okay let's be honest most of those who watch this reality show do so because of Gordon Ramsey going ape shit on the contestants, which by the way is fucking hilarious as hell........well at least to me.

Instead of confining Gordon to just a single kitchen she shows up everywhere. They give that fucker a car and point him in a general direction and let him go nuts for an hour. He could show up at a high school calling cheer leaders "fucking donkeys" or a seniors retirement home yelling at grandma. We don't know where he's going to end up, but you know it's gonna fucking rock.

7. Replace American Idol with a please stand by station signal followed by random static and distorted clips of previous seasons of American Idol, but too distorted to really make out anything.

Think of it like when you were 14 and trying to watch a porn on pay per view and it's all distorted and you might see a green warped boob now and then. The tween's who normally watch this show will be all panicky because they won't know what to do and will spend an hour playing with their T.V's in futile frustration. Then they'll go on Twitter and complain and talk about Twilight or some stupid shit like that.

8. Replace Big Brother with Big Brother In The Hot Box

Take the contestants out of their comfortable cozy house and throw them deep in the jungles of Vietnam or Cambodia at some prison camp like in the Chuck Norris Missing In Action movies (Those are fucking awesome by the way). There they'll be met by Hon, the brutal prison camp commandant who will volunteer them to such wonderful team building games like "fend off starving monkeys with a shoe", and "hey let's make some knock off Niki t-shirts for fat cat American imperialists" I know sounds fun right? And of course dozens of cameras are everywhere capturing everything for you're viewing pleasure.

Of course some might try to escape or fuck up royally and be shoved in a nice tiny metal box in the blistering heat for long hours. I think this might be a good choice to start the summer line up.

That's all the ideas I have for now because my head hurts and I need to poop.

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Amy Adams

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8 comments:

Gucci Mama said...

Wolfey - That was so damn hilarious! I laughed through the whole thing. Love it!

Max Evel said...

I like "Land Mine Island", but I think they should make it "Doggy Land Mine Island", because most reality tv is full of shit !
Well that's my useless opinion anyways.
:-)

The Wolf said...

Glad you think so Gucci but this is a serious matter were talking about here. The future of T.V itself could be at stake.........well probably not really.

That's a good idea Max, so have the bouncing betty's spray dog shit as they explode. So not only do they loose their legs and balls, but their humiliated in a spray of dog shit......I'd buy that for a dollar.

~J said...

I LOVE me some reality tv...I can't lie..but your suggestions--loved! I would watch them!

Gnetch said...

Haha! I love this idea! I don't actually get the "stars" part on Dancing With The Stars. I mean, WHERE are the stars...?

But I do watch ANTM. I just love hating Tyra Banks. She's just so narcissistic.

The Wolf said...

NJ sounds like a lot of people I know they love those reality shows, I don't mind Survivor now and them or Hell's Kitchen becuase of Gordon Ramsey yelling and throwing crap everywhere, but apart from that I can't stand them. Glad you like my suggestions.........you think NBC will pick any of them up?

Exactly Gnetch it's like "Ohhh look it's that chick who was on that other reality show, you know the one who tried to sleep with everyone." or "Hey it's that guy who did those movies until he got hooked on smack and lives in a dumpster now."

Apart from wanting to do Tyra Banks I hate her as well.

Kelly said...

You have great ideas there, my friend! I wish you had the pull and money in Hollywood to get these kinds of shows made. The reality shows today, like we've talked about before are stupid, fake, lame and for the wimpish. The shows you suggested would really boost the network's ratings through the roof.

Howie Mandel needs to be thrown in a vat of shit. It would be great to watch him freak himself out into a heart attack.

The Wolf said...

Exactly Kelly reality TV has turned into a shit fest. When the first season of Survivor came it, I gotta admit I found it really interesting and kinda cool that they were doing something like that. Fast forward about 10 years and almost every station has multiple reality shows and most are crap.

What pisses me off the most about Howie Mandel is that he's Canadian. That fuck is making us all look like wimpy bald headed shit's. HE MUST PAY.

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