Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Words Of Wisdom From The Wolf

I thought in this post I would share some of the wonderfully useful things that I've learned, either from first hand experience or from the antics of those close to me (I'll leave you to guess which ones I did)

If you're going on a date and you're date asks you if her dress/pants/whatever makes her ass look big, don't respond by saying "You're ass looks like 120 lbs of chewed bubble gum"

Text messaging and hand grenades don't mix.

I don't care how drunk you are, setting yourself on fire is never a smart move.

If somebody sets themselves on fire, or falls into a bonfire, make sure you take off anything that's made of fleece before you save their ass.

If you're going to tell a guy who's twice you're size that he should go home and have sexual relations with their cousin, brother, or mother........make sure you know how to fight first.

Never piss in the wind

Never piss on an electric fence

Never piss on someone who's taking a piss on an electric fence

Rockin out to MC Hammer in a Ford Topaz is never fucking cool, especially if you're white.

Though it may seem like a good idea at the time to save on laundry detergent.........NEVER turn you're underwear inside out to get a few more days use out of them, especially if there's some ass chocolate left on them.

Calling 9-1-1 to get directions to an adult video store is not considered an emergency.

If you're in the woods and a pissed off bear comes running after you, make sure you have a friend nearby so you can break their knee caps to escape.

When you get married you loose you're balls, you're sense of opinion, and you're soul. When you get divorced you don't always get these back

When the shit hits the fan, it's a good idea to have a rain coat and umbrella handy.

Just because people in beer commericals are having a good time, doesn't mean that when you crack open a cold one that hot women will surround you and want to party. You'll just end up getting drunk, sad, and Helga the one eyed bridge troll might take you home. Then when you wake up in the morning and see Helga, you'll have the urge to mix you're coffee with Drano.

Running from the cops is never a smart move for you, but fucking hilarious for those who are watching.

If you own a shitty car, don't make it worse by making you're own spoiler out of plywood and bookshelf brackets. This will not only do absolutely nothing to the performance of you're piece of shit car, it may in fact make it slower. But also everybody will laugh at you're pathetic attempt at customizing you're car.

Duct tape can be used for anything......and I mean anything.

If you think David Hasselhoff is a talented artist, you are seriously fucked in the head. If you think Britney Spears is an awesome singer, please bitch slap yourself. And if you're a fan of Justin Beiber, please play in traffic, preferably at a busy intersection and with a bus.

If you're happy and you know it GO FUCK YOURSELF.

There are only two occasions when it's a good idea to wear a Montreal Canadians jersey, in Montreal, and when their playing another team. If there not playing and you show up in their jersey, you deserve to be kicked in the junk.

The bigger the truck the smaller their penis is, and the greater the chance that they secretly love pink lacey underwear.

The first rule of anything is NEVER GET CAUGHT. If you get caught DENY DENY DENY, if that fails keep a shovel and some garbage bags in the trunk.

Vick's vapour rub does not feel good on you're balls. It's also highly not recommended to be used with a maxi pad to treat second degree burns. (Don't ask)

A vending machine does not make a good surf board.

NEVER EVER tell the cops that you have a dead hooker stuffed in a carpet back at you're place.

And that's all I have to say about that

Random Hottie Of This Post

Katherine Heigl

Random Video Of This Post


Gnetch said...

I love your words of wisdom. These are gonna be helpful in my and CB's world domination plan. How did you learn all these?? :p

Max Evel said...

First, Gnetch will never rule the world.
Second, Why is it wrong to call 911 for direction to the local adult store ?

The Wolf said...

Gnetch I'm glad you found them useful, however YOU WILL NOT RULE THE WORLD IT WILL BE ME. Though I give you an E for effort.

Becuase Max Evel you're suppose to use 911 to order hookers and blow. Every hotel room has an adult channel, so calling 911 wastes valuable time.

Dutchess said...

"Rockin out to MC Hammer..." made me laugh so hard, I almost peed.

Dick in the box is one of my favorite SNL skits ever.

Kelly said...

First off... Katherine Heigl has herself some real nice titties. Yum.

If I see someone set themself on fire or fall into a bonfire, I'm gonna laugh really hard. I won't bother saving their dumb asses.

I don't advise using duct tape as a birth control method around the ol' wing wang. besides, it would hurt somethin' special when you try pulling it off.

You're correct sir. A vending machine does not make a good surf board. And it doesn't make a very good blow up doll, either.

If I see that an imbecile has made a spoiler for his car out of plywood, I will set them on fire, myself.

Today, I am not happy and I know it. Therefore... I shall not fuck myself. Maybe tomorrow, around 2:30 ish.

I enjoyed your words of wisdom. I will now call 911 to ask them the best place I can go to kill some hookers. Take care.

Gucci Mama said...

You are very wise, indeed, Wolfey. I miss you! I feel like we haven't talked in a thousand years. I'm much less fucked up from the worst migraine in the history of time now, so I'm back around. I hope you come love on me soon.



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