Monday, September 27, 2010

Porn VS Real Life

Okay before I write another thing let's be honest, we have all seen really bad cheesy porn at some point in out lives. If you say you haven't chances are pretty good you're either full of shit, or for some reason worried that others will think you're some sort of pervert. Whacking off outside some girl's bedroom as she's getting changed.......that's perverted, the occasional porn is not (depending on what you're watching)

Getting back on topic here you know those cheesy porn flicks (I know you know what I'm talking about) the ones where some situation that is common place results in two or more and perhaps a donkey getting it on like some freaky monkeys with rabies. Yeah too bad real life sucks dick, and not the way you want it to either fuckers.

So I thought I'd put together a little list of things that happen in porn and compare them to what would probably happen in real life.

 The Plumber / Cable Guy (Porn)

Some stunningly hot and very skimpily dressed woman calls a plumber because the sink is jammed, or perhaps she needs the cable installed. She calls a service person. Minutes later so hunky guy shows up, makes some cheesy comments about "laying some pipe" and half ass attempts to fix the woman's sink, or install the cable. All the while she's getting........well excited, this results in them getting their freak on.

The Plumber / Cable Guy (Real Life)

You're toilet clogs up because you gave birth to a shit demon and it won't die. Or perhaps you just moved into a new home and want the cable hooked up so you can order up some pay per view porn. You call up the appropriate service person only to wait for fucking ever to talk to a real person instead of those fucking annoying robot bitches. You finally get through to some ass clown who can barley speak English.

After all that you wait a fucking year for them to show up, when they do is it some hot guy.......NOPE IT'S SOME OLD CREEPY GUY WITH A MASSIVE BEER GUT THAT'S FORCING HIS PANTS DOWN. You shudder in horror ever time you look over to find his ass crack smiling back at you like that fucked up girl from the Exorcist. After an hour of swearing, banging noises, and hacking sounds from his 4 pack a day smoking habit, he tells you that he doesn't have the right part, has to come back later, and it's going to cost you extra................I know fucking awesome.

The Job Interview (Porn)

Some guy goes into an office that strangely looks like somebodies spare bedroom. The boss is a smoking hot woman in a blouse that would rip apart if she sneezed because it's so tight. She tells the guy he "meets all the qualifications" and then proceeds to pounce on him and literally fuck his brains out.

Job Interview (Real Life)

You go to some office tower resume in hand hoping to get a job. You're nervous as hell and the receptionist is looking at you like you enjoy drowning kittens. Finally the interviewer comes to get you. Once in the office they then begin to grill you over all manner of shit related to you're work experience, you're hobbies, and you're goal aspirations.

After about an hour of being uncomfortable, grilled over, and sized up like a piece of fucking meat they tell you you're not qualified for the job and then give it to the next fucker behind you who was busy picking their nose the whole fucking time, but because his daddy and the boss are golfing buddies he gets the job regardless of their skills.

Caught Being A Perv (Porn)

You're at home watching T.V. You look out the window and see the hot M.I.L.F (Mother I'd Like To Fuck in case you don't know what that means) getting undressed in front of a mirror and checking herself out. Naturally you sneak over to her window and start beating the little soldier. After a minute or so she turns around to see you there in all you're glory starring at her. Naturally she becomes aroused and let's you in to get some.

Caught Being A Perv (Real Life)

Everything happens the exact same way as above, only when she turns around she's not impressed by you're sword handling skills........SHE'S FUCKING PISSED AND FREAKED THE FUCK OUT. After some frantic screaming and grabbing anything that will cover her she calls the cops. Obviously she knows who you are so there's really no point in running, their just going to be waiting for you when you have to come back. You get arrested and thrown in jail where some giant black guy named Bunny and some white skin head biker pass you back and forth between their bunks for some "cuddling". At this point you pray for death.

I don't know about you but real life really fucking sucks.

Random Hottie Of This Post

Brandy Grace

Random Video Of This Post


 

9 comments:

Gucci Mama said...

What is this 'porn' you speak of, Wolfey?

I LOVE Full Metal Jacket. It's one of my favorite movies ever.

The Wolf said...

Well Gucci Mama porn, short for pornography is grapic images and or videos one watches of people, animals, aliens, midgets and leprichauns having sex. If you wish to learn more about porn there are many manny MANY free sites on this fabulous invention called the IN-TER-NET or web. But seriously I somehow doubt you don't know what porn is.

Full Metal Jacket is an awsome movie and ove of my favorites, the fact you love it is so fucking awsome.....marry me now.

Gucci Mama said...

I'm on my way, Wolfey. Can Pvt. Joker walk me down the aisle? He's my flave.

Copyboy said...

Wolf man that post rules. Hey, there's a pizza girl at my girl. Be back in a sec.

Gnetch said...

Awesome observation. Yeah, there's no such thing as a HOT plumber guy.

Life sucks. Haha.

The Wolf said...

Sounds good Gucci but only if the drill seargent can be the best man.

Copyboy pizza girl........oh my that practically writes itself lol

Gnetch it's kinda like female construction workers, they all like prison lesbians

klahanie said...

Yeah, real life does suck..sadly it doesn't swallow.
Must go now, the lady across the street is screaming over at me and the cops are at my door :-)

Ashlee @ The Zombie Housewife said...

That is so true! I think those kinds of porn movies are so stupid. Although I do really wanna watch that Pirates porn that is supposed to be the porn version of those Pirate movies w/ Johnny Depp! Oh, and I wanna watch the Kim Kardashian porn because a. it's real people fucking and b. I really want to see what she looks like nekkid! lol

You should post about Porn Parodys! I knew a girl once who was SO obsessed with Friends that she bought the porn parody. She was weird...and fat. Anyway, you should seriously do a post about the Top 10 Porn Parodies of ALL time. You're a guy, so you should enjoy the research, but if you put The Golden Girls porn parody on the list I'm TOTALLY gonna think you're a pervert.

The Wolf said...

You know Zombie Housewife that's not a bad idea for a future post. No worries this site is 100 percent Golden Girls free, or golden showers or anything that could be associated with those old wind bags.

I havn't seen many porn parodies so I'll deffinitly need to do some research on that one

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