Tuesday, December 7, 2010

And Now A Shitty Movie Review

If there is one that I can't stand it's a shitty movie, be it a chick flick or some crap with sparkly pansy ass vampires who would rather play hide the hot dog on the Hershey highway then do what vampires are suppose to do.......drink blood and tear people limb from limb while looking cool doing it.

So when I rented Valhalla Rising a couple days ago I was sadly disappointed. So much so that I wanted to write a post about it to let all 3 three people who read this blog (two are multiple personalities of mine, one of which thinks he's a space ranger) and let you know just how shitty this movie is so you don't waste 90 minutes of time you could be doing something more productive.

I'm sure if you rent movies that you've probably seen the trailer for this movie, if you haven't here's the video below



Your probably thinking "Hey this looks pretty cool theres blood and shit....what the fuck is The Wolf smoking now?" Sorry to disappoint but those were probably the best parts of the entire movie. Basically the story goes a little something like this. A one eyed, mute warrior type person who spends much of the movie starring off into space because he's either just crapped his panties, confused, or wishing he was doing anything but making this movie travels with a bunch of viking types who sound oddly like a bunch of Scots to some remote wilderness looking place while travelling to the Holy Land. Once there the one eyed mute probably just shit himself warrior guy spends more time starring off into space while the others barley talk, some stare off into space, and slowly they die off.......THE FUCKING END.

I've read some of the comments from people on YouTube going off about how this film is artistic and visually stunning and black fucking blah. And while I agree that it had it's moments (such as watching a guy get disemboweled with an arrow head.........that was fucking cool) the majority of this movie could be used as a cure for insomnia. The best part is if you fall asleep watching this movie you won't really miss anything.

I hope that helps, of you still want to watch this movie, I can't stop you but I figured I'd at least give you a head's up.

Random Hottie Of This Post


Anna Torv

Random Video Of This Post

7 comments:

Max Evel said...

Thanks for the the look out.
I think I had seen that movie was on demand.
I didn't know what it was.
Now I know.

ChopperPapa said...

I'm no history professor, but I'm pretty sure that the Vikings weren't part of the Crusades....If you're going to make a shitty movie at least get the logistics right...

The Wolf said...

It's nuts Max Evel but if you check on Blockbusters website this is their highest rented movie right now. I think theres a lot of disappointed people out there right now.

ChopperPapa I think your right. I do know that there were Vikings who were paid merceneries for the Byzantine empire which is modern day Turkey and even at one point Isreal and parts of the middle east. But by the time of the first crusade in 1096 the Vikings were pretty much gone. Either way the movie still sucks balls.

Kelly said...

Hey man, thanks for the heads up. I definitely won't rent this now. I normally like this kind of movie but half the time, they're turkeys. What's interesting is, there seems to be a slow but steady flow of Viking/Roman soldier movies coming out in the last couple years. I guess you can chalk it up to Hollywood copying whatever seems to be hot at the moment a dozen or so times.

I recently rented 3 movies of this type. One of which I think you may have reviewed in the past. I forget. I'll name 'em and grade on a scale of 1-10.

"Robin Hood" (with Russell Crowe) I give about a six.

"Centurion" (no big name stars in this one) I give an eight, maybe eight and a half. Loads of action for my taste and bloody.

"Outlander" (James Caviezel, John Hurt) It seems strange to me that this didn't get good reviews, in general. It's very well acted, with a good story and lots of action. A solid nine.

Btw, I love Anna Torv. But then I like the show, Fringe, quite a bit, too. Take care, dude.

The Wolf said...

Kelly Fringe is an awsome show one of the few on TV these days. I've seen most of those except Centurion but it sounds like it would be decent. I agree Outlander should have done far better then what it did, I thought it was well made and original. I'm thinking from now on I'm going to do a movie review every time I see one.

Mad Jack said...

Thanks for the heads up. For some reason I'm reminded of a film I really like, The 13th Warrior. In a scene that happens just before the terrible enemy attacks Our Protagonist, a slightly more effete man then his viking companions resolves his position in life:

Herger the Joyous: When they come, we form a circle in the center of the room, backs to one another.
Ahmed Ibn Fahdlan: I am not a warrior.
Herger the Joyous: Very soon, you will be.

Pretty much says it all, doesn't it?

The Wolf said...

I couldn't have said it better myself Mad Jack. I also really like the 13th Warrior, not sure how familiar you are with the movie but most of it was filmed on Vancouver Island near Campbell River and Menzies bay where the Viking villiage was.

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