Friday, December 3, 2010

My Christmas Wish List

Ahh Christmas tis the season full of vacant stares, over spending, crowds, fruit cakes (Did you know fruit cakes can last over 100 years....seriously that's fucked up. I mean who the fuck wants to survive on fruit cake after the impending zombie apocalypse, that shit bungs you up).

But since it's Christmas and we all want presents I wanted to list off some of the things that I hope to see under the tree this holiday season. Santa if you're real and you happen to be reading this DON'T FUCK THIS UP LIKE YOU DID WHEN I WAS A KID AND SEND ME THAT STUPID ASS SWEATER WITH THE FUCKING REINDEER THAT LOOKS LIKE IT HAD DOWN SYNDROME ON IT. And who the fuck knits a sweater with puke green wool, what am I a fucking hobo?

And with that happy thought onto the list.

1. A tazer to zap every single cross eyed fucker who looks at me funny

2. A gold plated toilet seat just like the ones that those rich princes in places like Dubai get to crap on. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO SHIT ON A PRECIOUS METAL TOO ASSHOLES (Don't judge me)

3. Socks

4. Every single Clint Eastwood movie except The Bridges of Madison county, and the one with that annoying fucking monkey that would play dead...........fucking monkeys.

5. Lucy I really need to explain why

6. Tear gas, trust me it ain't a party until everyone is chocking and hacking up a lung and gasping for air.

7. A new car, something simpler an Austin Martin like the one Sean Connery used back in his James Bond movie days with all the gadgets.

8. A 24 hour pass to bitch slap every stupid jack ass I run into without any repercussions.

9. A politician to admit that they are a greedy self centered asshole and that they don't or ever gave a fuck about the average tax payer on live T.V, followed by a randomly picked bunch of lucky winners to spit on them for an hour.

10. A new mouse pad. Mine is starting to split apart though I really like it because it has this pic of green leaves flowing in a soft summer breeze, it's very calming and made from recycled plastic.

11. For Mark Burnett to be hit by a fucking train. In case you don't know who this glue bag is, he's the guy who's pretty much responsible for the overwhelming tide of bullshit called reality T.V. This is the twinkle toed fuck who spearhead shoes like The Apprentice and Survivor.....need I say anymore.

12. Gummy bears........what they taste good fuck you.

That is all

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Eva Longoria

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Dutchess said...

Wolf, could you find out where I can get #8, please?

The Wolf said...

I think the bitch slap pass can be found at Wall-mart, probably near the scented candles that cost way to fucking much and half the time the wick is not centered which means it burns funny.

Gorilla Bananas said...

You'd better check you don't have an allergy to gold. Getting a rash on your buttocks would complicate a lot of simple things, like sitting down and not scratching your butt in public.

Max Evel said...

I'm still confused by Eastwood being in The Bridges of Madison County.
Wtf was he thinking ?

The Wolf said...

Good advice Gorilla Bananas I would hate to have a rash and not be able to scratch my ass in public.

Max Evel the only logical conclusion that I've come up with is either he was high as a fucking kite, or he lost a bet and had to make that money as the punishment.

klahanie said...

I think I'd shit myself if a politician broke down and actually told the truth.
And fuck this. I call it 'Boxing Day Eve'!
Have a good weekend and the Canucks beat Chicago so let's celebrate or what!

Kelly said...

The '24 hour bitch slap without repercussions' sounds like a good gift. Does that come with a side of napalming people who are retarded enough to be addicted to watch "reality" TV? After all, the gene pool does need cleaning badly.

The Wolf said...

Klahanie same here and whenever Chicago gets a good beat down from the Canucks the day gets a little brighter.

Kelly we can't waste the napalm I say use oven cleaner instead.

ChopperPapa said...

You'll have to stand in line, 'cause I've already called dibs on Burnett. That douce needs to wake up next to a severed horse head

Gnetch said...

Ha!! Shitting on a precious metal must feel like heaven.

I don't know. I haven't tried it. ;D


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