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Sunday, October 31, 2010

A Couple Ghost Stories

Happy Halloween Everyone. For this post, being my favorite time of year I wanted to share with you some real ghost stories with you that happened to me. I've been lucky or unlucky depending on how you look at it to have had numerous encounters, I guess I'm just one of those fuckers who see dead people like that creepy little kid in that movie......you know the one directed by that guy about that dead guy who doesn't know he's a dead guy so by default he's scaring the shit out of some already traumatized kid because he thinks he's the kids counsellor. Anyways here we go.

MY FIRST GHOST ENCOUNTER

The first encounter I ever had with the spirit world was when I was a little kid (sometime between 5 or 6). We lived on a small island east of Vancouver island in an old house on top of a hill. The story goes that the original owner was a world war 2 veteran who returned from war to discover that his wife not only had an affair when he was gone, but had a child with the guy. Nobody knew what happened to her afterwards, she simply vanished, the vet raised the child as his own.

Just before I was born some water pipes in the basement broke in the only part of the basement that still had a dirt floor. When my father (by the way the guy was an evil asshole but that's another story) dug down into the dirt he discovered a long wooden box. Upon opening the box he discovered human remains. Now instead of doing the right thing and calling the police he simply and for reasons I don't know to this day he simply buried it back up.

But it was only after I was born that things started to happen. At first it would be things like strange noises upstairs when no one was upstairs. Then doors would lock or open on their own, pillows and other objects would start to fly across the room both when people were in those rooms and not. I remember one occasion having a large pillow from the living room fly on it's own into the kitchen and hit me. Later on footprints would appear on the ceiling starting above the entrance of the basement and going into the bathroom, there would always be two sets, one's a woman's shoe like a high heel, the other a heavy work boot type shoe. The creepiest thing that happened was when my mother would be woken up by me talking in the middle of the night, she would come into my room only to find me sitting up in bed talking to the wall. When she asked me what I was doing I told her that I was talking to the nice dead lady in the corner.

She wasn't always nice though. The spot where her body was no one ever ventured into, there was an overwhelming sense of terror that you would feel as soon as you crossed that invisible line into that corner of the basement. I remember my brand new tricycle rolling into that spot and being too scared shitless to go after it. The last time I was in that house was when I was about 14 and the bike was still in that spot, even my so called father who didn't believe in ghosts would never set foot in there.

As for my father I haven't spoken to him in almost 20 years, as far as I know he still lives in the house, and still hasn't done anything about the body in the basement. I've tried to get something done about it, but without proof nothing will happen.

GHOST ATTACK

A few years ago I was dating this woman who lived about an hour outside of Edmonton, Alberta (Canada for you guys who don't know what country I'm talking about). There was always strange things happening in that house that both me and her saw all the time. We heard voices coming from inside the walls. Strange orb like lights would float along the walls, and strange cold spots would happen instantly and always in different parts of the house.

One night in particular I was staying over for the weekend. We were getting ready for bed and the whole night I felt like I was being watched, I always felt like I was being watched but on this particular it felt stronger and more sinister. We crawled into bed and hadn't been there for more then a couple minutes when I felt a weight being pressed down around my torso, it felt like a person was sitting on my chest. It started to become hard to breath and I couldn't move. Suddenly I felt a pair of hands grab my throat and start choking me. I gagged and fought for air but couldn't move, I couldn't speak or shout out but I was able to make enough noise to wake my ex girlfriend up. She grabbed my shoulders and shook me, when she did the weight and the hands went away. As I tried to regain my breath and figure out what the hell just happened I looked into the hallway to see a black figure standing in the doorway tapping it's fingers on the side of the wall. It then slide behind the wall, the whole time keeping it's fingers tapping the wall and watching me, after a few moments it vanished and I no longer felt the sinister being watched feeling.

But what really freaked me out was when I went to the bathroom right after. Looking at my reflection in the mirror I saw red finger marks on my throat. The finger marks were too narrow and long to belong to my ex girlfriend, and the angle would have been impossible for me to do to myself.

That's just a couple of dozens of ghostly encounters I've had.................SO FAR.

Random Hottie Of This Post
Jennifer Love Hewitt

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Friday, October 29, 2010

Halloween Zombie Survival Tips

Being that Halloween is close by I thought I would touch on another Halloween type topic....ZOMBIES. Yeah I'm getting a little fucking sick of all these forums, and "experts" talking about zombie survival who have no idea what the hell their talking about. More often then not it's some snot nosed little shit who thinks that just because they played Left 4 Dead their the be all end all zombie killing expert.....keep dreaming sunshine.

So I thought in this post I would shed some reality into the whole zombie survival thingy. And being that I spent more then two minutes in the army, I might know a thing or two about dealing with the shit hitting that proverbial fan.

Fantasy Weapon List

I've seen wave after wave of kids talking out their ass about how if the zombies came they would get (insert fancy ass fucking gun here) and blow away some brain eaters.

The reality is that 1. Those guns are going to be in the hands of a select few such as the military or gun enthusiasts (depending on country and local laws of course) and unless a truck full of guns happens to be dumped on you're front lawn, you're not going to get ahold of that fancy fucking sniper rifle, or machine gun or whatever the fuck you want Santa to bring you for the zombie apocalypse. Also being that most of us in the developed world live in urban areas items such as shovels, crowbars, or other blunt objects that could be used as a weapon may be in short supply.......in short you're probably just going to end up as a fucking snack asshole :)

Wannabe Badass

Second to wanting fantasy guns are little ass nuggets who think their stone cold killers. The reality is if a horde of zombies is moving in on you're position YOU'RE GOING TO SHIT YOU'RE LITTLE PINK PANTIES. I guarantee that most of these kids never shot a weapon in anger or on a range, and if they get their hands on a gun their going to be shaking like a leaf. They won't know shit about adopting a firing position, concentrating their breathing, nor have the necessary training in general to be a decent shot. Also video games don't teach you things such as dealing with weapon jams and stoppages, the weight of the weapon itself, or the recoil when that weapon fires. And depending on the type of weapon it could be a little push like that of a 22. caliber rifle, or a massive kick like a shotgun :)

Drop That Burger Fat Ass

Now I'm not Mr. fucking universe, but I'm in decent shape....good enough shape to either run from or to trouble and give it a good ass kicking. How many little chubby fuckers do you know that can eat a bowl of soup without needing oxygen let alone fight? Since our population is getting fatter this means more and more people won't be physically fit enough to fend off or escape a zombie. And if you're sucking wind out through you're ass and you're dizzy from exhaustion, how the fuck are you going to shoot effectively if you have a gun? Yeah not fucking likely you're going to hit Moby Dick with a rocket launcher at 50 let alone a zombie.....so you're basically fucked :)

Oh by the way when I talk about fatty's I'm not talking about those who are a little plump or a bit of a beer gut, I'm talking about those fuckers who can't put down their gut wrenches.

The Emotional Factor

Not many people can turn off their emotions, and those that can usually pay a price for that ability. So the average Joe Bloggins who works 9 to 5 and the most traumatic thing that happened to them is that they missed the all you can eat buffet at the local diner are in for a huge fucking surprise. I guran-fucking-tee most will emotionally break down when their mom, sister, boyfriend, best bud are a brain munching zombie looking to use their skull as a bowl. Some will break down so badly they'll go into shock and be able to function even at a basic level, these people will more then likely be snacks for the horde. Others will go off the deep end and just fucking loose it, going after anyone and everything regardless if it has a heartbeat or not. Chances are you're probably fucked :)

Now some of you are probably wondering thinking this "So what the fuck are you gong to do princess?" The answer is simple GET THE FUCK OUT OF DODGE. Being that I live in a city full or rich retired assholes, pretentious stuck up business type assholes, and snotty bitchy women who are more obsessed with looks and money rather then common sense that this town would be fucked faster then a new fish in prison. Also being that there is a serious shortage of firearms unless I'm lucky to get one from a dead cop or naval reservist, I'll be for the most part unarmed. Do you really think I would be that stupid to stick around when there could potentially be 2.3 million zombies surrounding me................in the words of a wise man FUCK THAT SHIT. Unless I have the arms, ammo, and food I'm getting out of the city as fast as I can and going to where there is hardly anyone which is either the mountains or the ocean.

Random Hottie Of This Post

Gucci Mama from Mamma Still Wears Gucci

Why you ask, why the fuck not..... besides she begged pleaded, and then eventually told me that if I didn't she would hunt me down and set me on fire, now who can argue with that.

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Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Halloween Survival Tips

Being that Halloween is just around the corner I feel it's important to share some helpful tips to make this Halloween a safe and fun one for everyone.

1. DO NOT DRY HUMP THE ZOMBIES

Zombies may be the walking dead but they have feelings to........well maybe nobody really knows, it's hard to tell with their vacant stares and groaning. Besides you don't know where they've been.

2.  DO NOT ACCEPT CANDY FROM STRANGERS

Unless of course they are in a clear plastic bag, you don't want some hobo's greasy hands sweating up all over the candy. This is especially true of chocolate.

3.  IF BEING CHASED BY A CRAZY KNIFE WIELDING PSYCHO DON'T RUN UP THE FUCKING STAIRS

Really have you not seen any horror movies where the dumb blond with big boobs decides to make a run for it by going upstairs to hide in the bathroom only to be cut to little pieces with an axe. Not fucking smart, instead go in the basement instead cause nothing bad ever happens in a basement. Besides running up all those stairs means you'll just die tired.

4. DON'T SACRIFICE ANY VIRGINS TO THE DARK LORD

Unless you're knife is razor sharp, also make sure that you pronounce you're chanting right. You're sacrificing a virgin to the dark lord, not turning you're poker buddy into a giant furry chicken. I also have to point out that the dark lord is really disappointed from last years sacrifices from the lack of "actual" virgins. Seriously people do you're fucking homework, is it so fucking hard to get them to fill out a simple questionnaire. You don't want to piss off the dark lord.

5. DO NOT GO INTO THE WOODS ALONE

Bring a chubby kid with you, they don't run as fast. If the axe wielding psycho who just finished chopping the dumb blond mentioned before into human firewood decides to show up to turn you're head into a canoe. This way you can escape and as for the chubby kid..........well he should have fucking put the donuts down now shouldn't he. Seriously all that sugar and crap is just going to give you a heart attack.

6. IF YOU'RE A TWENTY SOMETHING PRETENDING TO BE A TEENAGER DO NOT RUN ANYONE OVER AFTER A WILD NIGHT OF PARTYING

We all know that you're shitty driving skills won't kill the poor sap (entirely at least) which means there going to come back looking for revenge. This also means that you're going to get hacked up with either a meat hook, meat cleaver, or some kind of sharp object with the word meat in it, either way it's not going to be pretty.

7.  REMEMBER SILVER BULLETS KILL WEREWOLVES AND WOODEN STAKES KILL VAMPIRES

Don't be a fucktard and mix this up. Oh and on a side not if you have to deal with one of those sparkly gay Twilight vampires slap the bitch in the face.

8. REMEMBER TO CHECK YOU'RE AMMO

If you find yourself locked in a house with a horde of zombies trying to beat down you're door make sure you have enough ammunition to get the job done.

9. IF YOU'RE GOING TO EAT SOMEONES LIVER REMEMBER TO EAT IT WITH SOME FAVA BEANS AND A NICE CHIANTI 

10. IF YOU'RE BUDDY IS POSSESSED BY DEMONS REMEMBER TO BRING AN OLD PRIEST AND A YOUNG PRIEST

I don't really know why but it sounds like a good idea

(Disclaimer: the above words of wisdom won't guarantee you're ass won't get cut, possessed, or eaten alive. So if the shit hits the fan, don't blame me) 

Random Hottie Of This Post

Gretchen Mol

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Sunday, October 24, 2010

Fuck You Friday On Sunday

Okay so I know I normally do my fuck yous for the week on Friday, but there have been some things that have prevented me from doing so, meh fuck it better late then never I always say. On another and completely different note I hope to have a couple new videos for you guys in a week or two.

First and foremost FUCK YOU to the Asian woman who was practically dry humping the fucking elevator button while yammering away on her cell phone. Okay fucker you stand right in front of the elevator button and fucking bitch in Chinese (I think it was Chinese) about who the fuck knows what to who the fuck cares, but the whole time the elevator's not coming.........why you ask BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T PUSH THE FUCKING BUTTON. So I take the initiative and reach around her to push it, only to have her give me dirty looks like I was going grab her, sorry but I don't plan on wasting my fucking life away while you wait to figure out why the fuck the elevator isn't coming.

FUCK YOU to the slow ass fuckers in the parking garage who couldn't figure out what the fuck they were doing and were driving slower. Really it's a fucking parking lot, here let me break it down on what you need to do. 1. you drive you're sorry ass around until you find a spot to park. 2. YOU FUCKING PARK THE FUCKING CAR. You don't sit in the middle of the way and block it for everyone, and you don't drive so fucking slow I can feel myself age literally. USE THE FUCKING GAS PEDDLE NUMB NUTS.

FUCK YOU to the greasy shit who thought my car was the perfect thing to lean up against and have a smoke. I don't recall the side of my car having a sign that read "Please lean you're slimy ass against this car and be a complete douche bag because you think you're cool. You didn't even fucking bother to move when I showed up to drive away. So since you're too fucking cool to move I simply jumped in and drove away and laughed my fucking ass off when you fell ass first into the street, especially because it happened right in front of a bunch of girls you were checking out. Yeah you're fucking cool asshole next time use a wall to lean up against.

FUCK YOU to the fucker with the little dog who let it yap and bark like it was being fed into a meat grinder. Really you don't know how to discipline you're dog. I COULD HEAR YOU FROM THE 5TH FLOOR. Next time you're dog causes shit, instead of coddling it like a kid put it down and discipline it. Then maybe you won't drive everyone on 5 fucking floors nuts with you're bullshit.

FUCK YOU to the creepy cluster fuck who was giving me the eyeball while walking past me. Do I look like a fucking alien? Is there a third eye growing out of my forehead? If the answer to those is no then don't look at me like I am. Seriously what the fuck is wrong with you, you looked at me like you had a pickle shoved up your ass.

And last but not least FUCK YOU to Telus one of the local cell phone providers here. I go in to get a new phone for a friend of mine and you fuck me over, first you waste my time and then you tell me you can't do shit for me. What the hell are you paid for exactly, you sure as fuck am not eye candy so that narrows down what your skill set is. As of today you are officially on my list of the most useless human being alive, congratulations fuck stick, this honour entitles you to fuck all and to be laughed at on a regular basis.

That is all

Random Hottie Of This Post

Aki Kawamura

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Sunday, October 17, 2010

Resident Evil Nightmare

It's time for another video kiddies, so grab a blankie and a sandwich and gather round. Being that Halloween is just around the corner I wanted to do something that has a theme that kinda goes with my favorite time of the year (Fuck Christmas). So I did my latest video to the first two Resident Evil movies (Resident Evil 2002 and Resident Evil Apocalypse 2004) to the song Nightmare by Avenged Sevenfold. I thought about originally doing the video to all 4 movies but the second two Resident Evil movies............well kinda sucked in opinion at least, and frankly I'm not into shit that sucks.

Anyways all that being said I hope you enjoy the video. This is also my second attempt at creating a video using Adobe Premier Pro CS3, so I still have a lot to learn about editing with that program. If you want to check out my other videos there all posted below in the bar at the bottom where it says YouTube. Or you can go to my YouTube channel (click here for the link).




Random Hottie Of This Post

Milla Jovovich

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