Friday, October 29, 2010

Halloween Zombie Survival Tips

Being that Halloween is close by I thought I would touch on another Halloween type topic....ZOMBIES. Yeah I'm getting a little fucking sick of all these forums, and "experts" talking about zombie survival who have no idea what the hell their talking about. More often then not it's some snot nosed little shit who thinks that just because they played Left 4 Dead their the be all end all zombie killing expert.....keep dreaming sunshine.

So I thought in this post I would shed some reality into the whole zombie survival thingy. And being that I spent more then two minutes in the army, I might know a thing or two about dealing with the shit hitting that proverbial fan.

Fantasy Weapon List

I've seen wave after wave of kids talking out their ass about how if the zombies came they would get (insert fancy ass fucking gun here) and blow away some brain eaters.

The reality is that 1. Those guns are going to be in the hands of a select few such as the military or gun enthusiasts (depending on country and local laws of course) and unless a truck full of guns happens to be dumped on you're front lawn, you're not going to get ahold of that fancy fucking sniper rifle, or machine gun or whatever the fuck you want Santa to bring you for the zombie apocalypse. Also being that most of us in the developed world live in urban areas items such as shovels, crowbars, or other blunt objects that could be used as a weapon may be in short short you're probably just going to end up as a fucking snack asshole :)

Wannabe Badass

Second to wanting fantasy guns are little ass nuggets who think their stone cold killers. The reality is if a horde of zombies is moving in on you're position YOU'RE GOING TO SHIT YOU'RE LITTLE PINK PANTIES. I guarantee that most of these kids never shot a weapon in anger or on a range, and if they get their hands on a gun their going to be shaking like a leaf. They won't know shit about adopting a firing position, concentrating their breathing, nor have the necessary training in general to be a decent shot. Also video games don't teach you things such as dealing with weapon jams and stoppages, the weight of the weapon itself, or the recoil when that weapon fires. And depending on the type of weapon it could be a little push like that of a 22. caliber rifle, or a massive kick like a shotgun :)

Drop That Burger Fat Ass

Now I'm not Mr. fucking universe, but I'm in decent shape....good enough shape to either run from or to trouble and give it a good ass kicking. How many little chubby fuckers do you know that can eat a bowl of soup without needing oxygen let alone fight? Since our population is getting fatter this means more and more people won't be physically fit enough to fend off or escape a zombie. And if you're sucking wind out through you're ass and you're dizzy from exhaustion, how the fuck are you going to shoot effectively if you have a gun? Yeah not fucking likely you're going to hit Moby Dick with a rocket launcher at 50 let alone a you're basically fucked :)

Oh by the way when I talk about fatty's I'm not talking about those who are a little plump or a bit of a beer gut, I'm talking about those fuckers who can't put down their gut wrenches.

The Emotional Factor

Not many people can turn off their emotions, and those that can usually pay a price for that ability. So the average Joe Bloggins who works 9 to 5 and the most traumatic thing that happened to them is that they missed the all you can eat buffet at the local diner are in for a huge fucking surprise. I guran-fucking-tee most will emotionally break down when their mom, sister, boyfriend, best bud are a brain munching zombie looking to use their skull as a bowl. Some will break down so badly they'll go into shock and be able to function even at a basic level, these people will more then likely be snacks for the horde. Others will go off the deep end and just fucking loose it, going after anyone and everything regardless if it has a heartbeat or not. Chances are you're probably fucked :)

Now some of you are probably wondering thinking this "So what the fuck are you gong to do princess?" The answer is simple GET THE FUCK OUT OF DODGE. Being that I live in a city full or rich retired assholes, pretentious stuck up business type assholes, and snotty bitchy women who are more obsessed with looks and money rather then common sense that this town would be fucked faster then a new fish in prison. Also being that there is a serious shortage of firearms unless I'm lucky to get one from a dead cop or naval reservist, I'll be for the most part unarmed. Do you really think I would be that stupid to stick around when there could potentially be 2.3 million zombies surrounding the words of a wise man FUCK THAT SHIT. Unless I have the arms, ammo, and food I'm getting out of the city as fast as I can and going to where there is hardly anyone which is either the mountains or the ocean.

Random Hottie Of This Post

Gucci Mama from Mamma Still Wears Gucci

Why you ask, why the fuck not..... besides she begged pleaded, and then eventually told me that if I didn't she would hunt me down and set me on fire, now who can argue with that.

Random Video Of This Post


Max Evel said...

Gucci Mama is very pretty, and worthy for the Random Hottie Of This Post.

I will never understand why people stay in a haunted house.
If a demon tells you to get the fuck out ...get the fuck out !
I'm tired ,and I don't know what I am saying.

Okay, I have to go scratch my ass now.

The Wolf said...

Exactly Max Evel I never understood that one myself. I mean it's not exactly fucking rocket science here. Sure it's cool when the walls bleed and shit moves on it's own....but c'mon it's telling you to get the fuck out for a reason.

Gucci Mama said...

Don't listen to a word he says. He begged me for months to be his random hottie. I finally relented so he'd stop crying all the time.

The Wolf said...

Crying.........what the??? If you consider crying to be uncontrolable sobbing followed by occasionally wetting oneself then I guess I did......I mean errr shit...ummmm you smell funny, yeah that's it

Kelly said...

Nice pic of Gucci Mama. So did ya get on your hands and knees and say a trillion prayers to her before she gave you that?

Your survival tips are going to come in handy, tonight. We're expecting a gang of zombies to roll into town tonight. They like our farmer's daughters and hillbilly womenfolk. They really eat 'em out, if you know what I mean.

Speaking of overeating, would you say that your best protection against your typical zombie would be to build a fortress of dead fatties, ahead of time, around your place? At least it might give you time to escape. Or you could set a trap and then- kaboom!

Gnetch said...

Nice tips. Can I use this on my mutant supervisor too?

The Wolf said...

Sorry to disappoint Kelly but no, I bend my knee for noone. A fortress of fatty's may make a good zombie barrier..... I would be careful if you're going to use it for more then a week especially in the summer months. Those fatty's will become flamable.

Gnetch of course you can


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