Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Halloween Survival Tips

Being that Halloween is just around the corner I feel it's important to share some helpful tips to make this Halloween a safe and fun one for everyone.

1. DO NOT DRY HUMP THE ZOMBIES

Zombies may be the walking dead but they have feelings to........well maybe nobody really knows, it's hard to tell with their vacant stares and groaning. Besides you don't know where they've been.

2.  DO NOT ACCEPT CANDY FROM STRANGERS

Unless of course they are in a clear plastic bag, you don't want some hobo's greasy hands sweating up all over the candy. This is especially true of chocolate.

3.  IF BEING CHASED BY A CRAZY KNIFE WIELDING PSYCHO DON'T RUN UP THE FUCKING STAIRS

Really have you not seen any horror movies where the dumb blond with big boobs decides to make a run for it by going upstairs to hide in the bathroom only to be cut to little pieces with an axe. Not fucking smart, instead go in the basement instead cause nothing bad ever happens in a basement. Besides running up all those stairs means you'll just die tired.

4. DON'T SACRIFICE ANY VIRGINS TO THE DARK LORD

Unless you're knife is razor sharp, also make sure that you pronounce you're chanting right. You're sacrificing a virgin to the dark lord, not turning you're poker buddy into a giant furry chicken. I also have to point out that the dark lord is really disappointed from last years sacrifices from the lack of "actual" virgins. Seriously people do you're fucking homework, is it so fucking hard to get them to fill out a simple questionnaire. You don't want to piss off the dark lord.

5. DO NOT GO INTO THE WOODS ALONE

Bring a chubby kid with you, they don't run as fast. If the axe wielding psycho who just finished chopping the dumb blond mentioned before into human firewood decides to show up to turn you're head into a canoe. This way you can escape and as for the chubby kid..........well he should have fucking put the donuts down now shouldn't he. Seriously all that sugar and crap is just going to give you a heart attack.

6. IF YOU'RE A TWENTY SOMETHING PRETENDING TO BE A TEENAGER DO NOT RUN ANYONE OVER AFTER A WILD NIGHT OF PARTYING

We all know that you're shitty driving skills won't kill the poor sap (entirely at least) which means there going to come back looking for revenge. This also means that you're going to get hacked up with either a meat hook, meat cleaver, or some kind of sharp object with the word meat in it, either way it's not going to be pretty.

7.  REMEMBER SILVER BULLETS KILL WEREWOLVES AND WOODEN STAKES KILL VAMPIRES

Don't be a fucktard and mix this up. Oh and on a side not if you have to deal with one of those sparkly gay Twilight vampires slap the bitch in the face.

8. REMEMBER TO CHECK YOU'RE AMMO

If you find yourself locked in a house with a horde of zombies trying to beat down you're door make sure you have enough ammunition to get the job done.

9. IF YOU'RE GOING TO EAT SOMEONES LIVER REMEMBER TO EAT IT WITH SOME FAVA BEANS AND A NICE CHIANTI 

10. IF YOU'RE BUDDY IS POSSESSED BY DEMONS REMEMBER TO BRING AN OLD PRIEST AND A YOUNG PRIEST

I don't really know why but it sounds like a good idea

(Disclaimer: the above words of wisdom won't guarantee you're ass won't get cut, possessed, or eaten alive. So if the shit hits the fan, don't blame me) 

Random Hottie Of This Post

Gretchen Mol

Random Video Of This Post

5 comments:

Kelly said...

1) I only dry hump zombies with sexually transmitted diseases. They're actually juicier that way.

2) There's only one kind of candy I have a hankerin' for. And it don't come from slippery hobos.

3) I, myself, encourage dumb big boobed blondes to run up the stairs in that scenario. Got to weed out those spoiled idiots somehow. But after you get a piece of ass, first, you know.

4) Are you the 'Dark Lord'?

5) Hahaha... Good point.

6) I did that one summer. Didn't turn out like I wanted.

7) I've heard that you can kill a Twilight Vampire by throwing a Twinkie at them.

8) That reminds me. I ran out of ammunition the other day for my AK 47, bazooka, grenade launcher and my tank. Thanks for the reminder.

9) Sound advice. You must have gone to the best cooking school.

10) Is it okay if I bring a hot chick? Exorcisms always make me horny.

Funny post, dude.

Gnetch said...

I think I know now why zombies groan.

Also, if I may ask: If you were the dark lord, would you prefer chanting rather than a virgin?

Echo Phyber said...

I agree it's not your fault, shit happens when even you do not break the rules.

Max Evel said...

I will dry hump a zombie woman if she's hot.

The Wolf said...

Kelly I would only expect that from you. I am also not the dark lord but we chat from time to time, he throws some great parties too. As for brining a hot chick to an exorcism, sure why not, just don't bring any kids.........because of the preists and well you know.

Gnetch I think he prefers the virgins to chanting, just the way he rolls.

Echo Phyber THANK YOU, last Halloween some asshole tried to sue me because I supposidly "scared the shit out of them". Sure I was chasing them with my new hockey mask and chainsaw, but that was becuase I was trying to show them the great deal I got at the hockey mask and chainsaw store.

Well of course Max Evel they may be a zombie but fuck that dosen't mean the standards should go down, unless you're drunk of course.

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails