Saturday, June 5, 2010

To Hell And Back

Since my recent move I’ve had an abundance of alone time, while I’m usually comfortable being alone it does leave me a lot of time to let my mind wander, something that isn’t always a good thing. I do have a bit of a dark and twisted sense of humour or so I’ve been told but that‘s for another post…..this one is a serious one for a change. Awhile ago one of my favourite bloggers Kelly over at Psycho Carnival opened up about some of the things in his life that he’s been struggling with . I really admired the fact that he felt comfortable and had the guts to write a post about a subject that I have no doubt probably stirred up some old feelings for him. It got me thinking about my own inner demons and my current struggles, and to be honest there have been a few times when I wanted to write this post but was afraid to.

My inner demons (not sure what else to call them) stem from years of abuse as a kid. Now when I say abuse I don’t want to come of as some wimp because daddy called me names, I wish it was just that. You see the scum bag who had the nerve to call me his father had a major fascination for Adolf Hitler and anything and everything to do with Nazism. He was so obsessed with Nazi’s that he himself became a neo-Nazi before I was born. When I was a few years old he decided to impress his Nazi buddies by trying to brainwash me into being his little Aryan follower. He took me to their rallies, made me read Mien Kampf, and made me watch as he and his pathetic so called friends beat up drunken helpless natives who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

On one particular night he put a pistol in my hand (loaded) and told me to shoot this one person they had just beaten the crap out of. When I refused and put the gun down he beat me instead. This piece of shit also liked to hit women, and my mother was the victim of many a violent and savage beating, once even involving a game of Russian roulette on Christmas eve when he came home drunk from the bar and became angry because the decorations and dinner wasn’t ready yet. When he couldn’t get his rocks off doing that to her he shoved the pistol in my mouth and decided I wanted to play. I can tell you that I might have forgotten a lot of things in my life but I will NEVER forget the taste of gun oil and cold metal in my mouth as I heard that first click when the trigger was pulled I don’t think you can forget things like that.

Fortunately at that point my mother had enough and snuck us out of the house while he was on a fishing trip the following spring, he was/is a commercial fisherman so this was the first chance she could get us both away safely. We’ve grown apart these last few years because of her heavy drinking but I have and will always be eternally grateful for her getting us out of that hell.

Stuff like that changes you, seriously how can you live a normal life after things like that I know I can’t 25 years now after the fact. Trusting people is extremely difficult for me even today and I battle with depression and occasionally thoughts of suicide. In a way it was one of the major reasons I joined the military, to find meaning in my life and to develop the mental strength to get through anything no matter how bad it is.

I guess for a positive note to all this is that if there is anyone out there who reads this post who’s gone to hell and back you’re not alone, and as long as you don’t fall into the cycle of violence and abuse that many have you are a thousand times a better man/woman then the scum who treated you that way and did those things that we didn’t deserve.

Sorry no random hottie or video for this post I don’t think it would be appropriate.


Kelly said...

Wow. And Goddamn. You have described a horrible, heart wrenching nightmare. It made me sick inside reading it, but, I'm hoping found at least a bit of relief in telling this real life story. Your Dad is/was a fucking monster for so many reasons. I'm really glad you were able to escape from that. You, for real, my friend, have nothing but my absolute admiration. I can very easily understand why you suffer from depression and have had suicidal thoughts. I hope you keep finding the strength to survive.

Though your story, is, of course, different from mine, we both suffer from this taboo (according to society, that is) mental condition. I wish more people would actually try to understand it and see it from that suffering person's perspective. I really do believe it's partially due to their willing ignorance to not understand and/or their lives have gone on without any tragedy or horrible life-changing situations. I do believe some are luckier than others in this respect. And those fuckers shouldn't judge, as they sometimes do, the ones who are suffering from depression. When they do, whether it's against me or someone else, I let them have it- big time.

I thank you for relating this part of your life. I know it was difficult. Telling something personal like that, like I've mentioned before on my own blog, will make you relive it in your mind again, allowing those old feelings to come to the surface. You're brave for doing it. Take care. Be strong. And, as always, you know my email address anytime you want to write- about anything.

Gnetch said...

That was intense. I totally agree that too much alone time isn't always a good thing because it gives you lots of time to think and remember a lot of good/bad things. I can't imagine a person like your dad. I'm glad you've managed to escape from him.

Thanks for sharing this. I love your honesty.

The Wolf said...

Thanks Kelly that really means a lot and I did find some relif in writing about this. I was going to actually write this sooner but hesitated a few times, I wasn't sure what kind of reaction I was going to get. I also promtly started kicking the crap out of my punching bag after writing that post........hope my new neighbours didn't mind the noise.

I totally agree that the way many view depression, whatever the cause or suffering from something traumatic is still a taboo. It's one of the major reasons I have pulled away from many people that I've known in my life and now spend the majority of my time alone becuase they didn't understand and I have a hard time letting people get close to me.

Gnetch yeah that bastard isin't even human in my opinion I found out about 10 years ago that he raped a elderly woman, well supposidly I have no proof and the woman never pressed charges but knowing him it wouldn't suprise me. The guy even drained my mothers bank account and what was supposed to be my college fund just before she was able to get me out of there. We didn't even have enough money for a hotel room for one night. Needless to say if I ever run into him he's a dead man.

The Guy's Perspective said...

I'm speechless really. That's a horrible way to have to grow up.

I think your comment about not falling into the cycle of violence is so important. I admire you for that because I can't imagine it's easy.

You could help a lot of people if you went around to high schools and told your story, especially with the message at the end. You're a good storyteller with a story to tell.

The Wolf said...

@ Guys I think it's one of the biggest things that people overlook when things like this happen to individuals, and that's for the person who had this done to them to want to lash out in the same manner. I've seen this first hand with other people I've known who have gone through extremly terrible things.

In my own life there have been times when I've wanted and even come close to lashing out like this. I go to great lengths to ensure that I never become the disgusting creature that my so called father is. I know with my temper it would be very easy to become this way so I try to find ways to release my anger in a positive way such as exercise, meditation, or even playing some games on the computer.

Never thought about telling others about this like at high schools that you've mentioned, it's deffinitly an idea I'm going to look into

klahanie said...

What a horrendous recollection you have shared. Such disgraceful, traumatic events would take its toll on anyone.
Childhood memories such as what you have so transparently articulated; can have a deep and painful impact on how we perceive the world. It is difficult to trust people. It is almost like one is waiting to be betrayed. Indeed, in times of solitude, when we have time to dwell, those 'inner demons' enhance the sheer magnitude of a tormented childhood.
Yet, my friend, you have displayed the courage to get on here and verbalise your feelings. I hope this has been cathartic and therapeutic. You have shown great strength of character in knowing that you would never be like your dad. For, you know you are better than that.
Blogging can be a powerful tool. I wish for you a peaceful and positive future. I forward to you an awesome gift. The gift of empathy. Much respect to you. You are not alone.
In peace and kindness, Gary.

Crazy Brunette said...

Awwww baby...

What can CB do to make it ALL better???

You better take me the fuck up on it NOW, because I won't offer again...

I'm not good with emotions and feelings and STUFF... (probably because I don't fucking have any...)

I heart your fucking face sugar. That was an awful thing to have endure. When I start 'thinking' (which in itself is BAD) I just grab the Vodka baby! First toast... to YOU for being an awesome fucking guy... Second toast... to ME for being the 'Random Hottie' of this post! Yes I declared myself THANK YOU.

The Wolf said...

@ Klahanie thanks for the best wishes. I have to admit after writing this last post I do feel better, these are things I usually don't tell anyone in person. I've done all the other stuff such as talking to counsellors even taking anti-depressents at one time.......none of it really worked. The counsellors were usually too busy scheduling in other appointments to even remember my name, and medication just seemed to make things worse. But writing be it on here or my other sites helps a lot.

@ CB you appointed yourself the random hottie, that's against the rules. First you have to submit a request including pic, resume, mesurments and blood sample. Then there's a screening process, followed by a two week waiting period........meh fuck that sounds like too much work you can be the random hottie of this post....there now it's offical.

Thanks for the offer I don't think theres much you can do to help CB unless you have a couple hot single freinds in Vancouver...and not guys either :)

Stacie's Madness said...

holy fucking shit hell.
first time reading your blog...but I'm not sorry for reading...I am sorry that that piece of shit "father" of yours was a lunatic.

My brother had some "runnings" WITH nazi shit too, stupid stupid ignorance.

thank you for sharing, nonetheless.

The Wolf said...

Thanks for stopping by Stacie. Yeah he's a nut and a fucking pathetic loser. I've had run ins with racist scum over the years, and their ignorance is simply baffiling and embarrising.

Michelle Pixie said...

WoW just WoW!

Hell and back doesn't even begin to describe what you have been through I am sure, but I have to say the fact that you broke the cycle is truly inspiring.


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