Thursday, July 1, 2010

Happy Fucking Birthday Canada



Today is Canada Day, July 1st in case you have no access to a calender and you live in a fucking cave. And God has a hard on for Canadians, why because we fucking rock that’s why. Sure we are known for being polite and modest but don’t fuck with us, have you watched a hockey fight……yeah that’s what’s going to happen to you’re face if you do, you’re gonna look like you came in second place in a shovel fighting contest………….you don’t want to come in second place for something like that trust me. And then were all going to laugh at you.


So I’ve taken it upon myself to dispel some myths some of our neighbours to the south or around the world may think about Canada and Canadians in general.

1. Canada is not a fucking artic tundra with mountains of ice and snow and blizzards and yeti. Sure some parts of the country have winters that can last for 6 months and it can get colder then you’re ex girlfriend on the rag, but we do have fucking seasons fuckers.

2. We all don’t know Bill or Jake or whatever the fuck their name is from Thunder Bay or Toronto. There are almost 40 million of us here, were not that friendly.

3. We all don’t say “eh” at the end of every sentence such as “How’s it going eh” or “Take off eh”

4. We Canadians aren’t all smiles and sunshine you know.

5. Even though we might not say it, if some dumb ass from another country asks us a really stupid question such as “Hey where are all the Eskimos?” we want to punch you in the throat and call you a fuck-tard. I have never fucking seen an Eskimo other then the football team and they sure as fuck weren’t dressed in seal skins looking for polar bear.

6. No we do not all fucking own dog sled teams and live in igloos. And in case you don’t know what a fucking igloo is……..it’s a little round house made out of blocks of snow stacked together and its what the Inuit use way the fuck up north to live in during the winter. Though I’m very positive now that we have modern technology they don’t have to.

7. I have never eaten seal meat before, nor has most of the country.

8. We say about not “a-boot”

9. We are not all ragging alcoholics who work in logging camps and wear flannel.

10. We hate Celine Dion too, and Anne Murray is a stuck up cow.

11. Not everyone from the east coast dances to the sound of fiddles and wears kilts, and not everyone from the west coast is a chronic dope smoking tree hugger.

12. No we don’t all live like the Trailer Park Boys……….fucking Corey and Trevor.

13. Yes we have a fucking military, sure it’s only about 63,000 give or take but we can still kick you’re ass with it (Remember our population is a little more then Australia’s so bite me). And no we are not trained in the use of muskets; though I’m sure we could still out shoot most other militaries with them.

14. Yes we have cities and cars and all the other fucking modern electronic gizmos and other shit, we all don’t live in the forest. How the fuck else would I make this blog post if that was the case, it’s kinda hard to check you’re email from a fucking tree.

Now hopefully that has dispelled some myths, if not you need to refuckulate you’re brain, probably with a sharp stick and some rubbing alcohol. On that note happy birthday Canada and raise a glass full of you’re favourite poison to one of the best fucking countries in the world.

Now take off eh ya fucking hosers.
 
 
Random Canadian Hottie Of This Post
 
 
Elisha Cuthbert
 
Random Video Of This Post
 

18 comments:

Gucci Mama said...

What about the whale blubber? Don't you guys burn whale blubber for warmth while you're lining your boots with pelts before you go out to do more trapping? Please don't steal this fantasy from me.

Please don't, eh?

klahanie said...

Canada, the land of the beaver.
Did you realise that it was a couple of Canadians who basically sorted out the Universe? Please allow me to explain. Captain James T. Kirk of Star Trek fame, is Canadian. You remember this famous line? 'Space... the Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the starship 'Canada eh'. Then again, there was also Commander Adama, another Canadian trying to get things sorted out in space and the leader of a noble mission. Do you recall him saying this? 'Fleeing from the Cylon tyranny, the last Battlestar, 'Galacticanada', leads a ragtag, fugitive fleet, on a lonely quest—for a shining planet known as Earth." So there you go, some overwhelming 'proof' just how vital Canadians have been in our space type adventures.
I wish Celine Dion had been on the Titanic. Do we keep it a secret that Nickelback are Canadian?
Bob and Doug Mckenzie are my heroes. Take off eh. Have a good Canada Day:-)

The Wolf said...

@ Klahanie yes indeed not only is Captian Kirk and Admiral Adama two Canadians who pretty much saved the universe, but Captian Kirk is also the coolest white guy of the 60's, I mean come on his patented jump off a styrofoam rock is pure fucking gold. Well that and he fucked any woman who resembled a bag of skittles.

As for Nickelback nope sorry that one is out in the open, we tried a quarentine back in the early 00's but it failed.

I would suggest shooting Celine Dion into space, but I think the aliens would just send her back.

Bob and Doug Mckenzie should be made saints

@ Gucci Mama the only whale blubber I've ever seen is some fat chick in clothes that are 3 sizes too small trying to speaker dance to 90's eurodance (not a pretty sight by the way), frankly i'd rather freeze then use that as a source of warmth. As for the pelts, and trapping yes completly true, just like honest politicians, and stuff like that.

Gucci Mama said...

Goddammit. I thought when you saw me dancing like that you'd think I was hot. I just don't know what the fuck to do to please you, Wolfey.

klahanie said...

Wait there's more. Let me tell you about an invention by a truly great Canadian scientist. The year was 1962, the scientist in question, Edward Asselbergs, created something so significant to the betterment of mankind, that other events of 1962, such as John Glenn being the first American to orbit the earth, pale by comparison. That's right, Mr. Asselbergs brought to the world.... instant mashed potatoes!!
I think I saw one of those chicks you are referring too in the Hudson's Bay department store on Georgia and Granville:-)

Crazy Brunette said...

Uuuuum, I THINK you may be confusing our views on Canada with our views on ALASKA fucktard!!!

Nobody thinks there's eskimos in Canada!!!! I didn't even know winter lasted that long!!!!!

And why the FUCK do you think that WE think you don't have cars????

You're such an asstard!!! I heart you fucker! Happy Canada Day!!!

Gnetch said...

Wolf, thank you for dispelling the myths about Canada. Though I have never really heard most of them. Ha! About the "eh" thing, I've heard about it from this certain blogger who CLAIMS that they're Canadian (but SO OBVIOUSLY not) and says "eh" a lot. Damn that fucking poser.

Happy Canada Day!

The Wolf said...

@ Gucci Moma she was like 400 pounds, no amount of booze is going to make that hot...........not even tequila. As for pleasing me fuck I havn't gotten any attention in like over 2 years. You could practically kick me in the junk and i'd be thankful.

@ Klahanie INSTANT MASHED POTATOES.......dear lord how did I forget that, it's the food of emperors and kings alike. I think we saw the same one becuase I saw one there on the same street.......my vision is still blurry at times it was so bad.

@ CB fucktard and asstard......I didn't know you cared so much. Actually CB I've had Americans ask me if there were eskimos nearby and why there arn't any dog sleds. We do have eskimos (Inuit and eskimo are the same thing) there way the fuck north of here.

Yeah I heart your face too you fucking hot crazy bitch

@ Gnetch fucking poser is right they need to be beaten with a phone book. Glad I could help in dispelling some myths, that's why I get paid the big bucks........and by big bucks I mean in little packets of ketchup I find beside the dumpster.

Brittney said...

LMFAO!!! That shit was hilarious I should do one of these list for Alabama but what the fuck would it matter id still be called a trailor trash hooker! Ahh fuck it! Happy Canada Day

Annie D said...

that was fucking awesome! But the one Canadian I do know did say "eh" after just about everything and he did say "aboot" but really it just got him into my pants quicker. and I would recommend a Canadian to just about anyone :)

Annie D said...

Oh! And I'm here from Fucked Up Friday Follow.

Kelly said...

Yeah, I don't think too many Americans think that way about Canada. You must be running into only the dumbass variety of Americans.

Yeah, Happy Canada Day, dude! How are you going to celebrate? Same as usual? Going to be getting out of the igloo and eating some seal meat? Don't forget to wear your favorite flannel shirt. lol.

William Shatner was cool as Kirk. I'll have to thank him personally for saving the Universe someday. I love the South Park Uncle Fucker video. Funny as fuck! And Elisha Cuthbert looks pretty fine and yummy.

Hey, guess what? This Sunday is Independence Day for America. Woo hoo. Exciting times for one and all. I farted. That's just how enthusiastic I am about it all.

@Gary, from klahanie- Canada invented instant mashed potatoes? Wow. Golly. And spurt! Hahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

klahanie said...

Mr. Kelly-type dude,
Yes indeedy do. That great Canadian invention of mashed potatoes. Makes John Glenn's lil' ol' orbit of the earth, in the same year, look pretty piss poor lol
Something happening in America on Sunday? Y'all have a good time.

The Wolf said...

@ Brittney they have hookers in Alabama............damm are they expensive?

Annie D thank you for recommending a Canadian to get into people's pants, we take pride in that sort of thing up here. Thanks for stoping by as well, I will be sure to visit your's shortly eh.

@ Kelly I have no doubt there are tonnes of smart Americans out there, but there are some pretty fucking stupid ones who like to come here or travel anywhere for that matter. Mind you there are some pretty fucking stupid Canadians too, but when they do dumb shit in public everyone automatically assumes their American. If there not sure I tell them they are, have to keep up apperances after all. As for celebrating I watched some fireworks, had some beer, and carved out a canoe from a tree with a whale bone after I repaired my igloo so I could go to the trading post to buy a new flannel shirt, some whiskey or as we call it "fire water" and a new axe.

@ Klahanie nothing compares to the invention of instant mashed potatoes

Artsy Mom said...

I think Canada has just as many misconceptions and stereotypes as New Jersey does. (Noo! I'm not comparing Canada to New Jersey....New Jersey is the fucking armpit of the world, but it really isn't as bad as people say!!)

Visiting from Fucked Up Friday Follow

Kelly said...

Hahaha... Wow. You carved out a canoe from a tree with a whale bone after repairing your igloo and all the rest of that typical "Canadian type stuff they always do"? Cool. And... good man.

But seriously, yeah I agree with ya about there are dumbasses all around the world. Maybe there's something that happens to Americans when they hit the ground of a country they've never been to before and their I.Q. drops instantly about a hundred points. Let's do some "highly important research" on this and write a bestselling book.

But first, I have to take a dump. I ate too many bowls of instant Canadian-made mashed potaters. Yes, siree. Take care.

P.S. I'm glad we've had this highly important discussion. I may now sleep soundly. :-) Frrrrt.

The Wolf said...

@ Artsy Mom you are totally right, I don't think it really matters what country you're from there will always be those from that particular place who are well.........."special" as in have you seen my baseball kinda special.

@ Kelly yes I did all that and a bag of fucking chips all while singing the theme song to Ghostbusters. I agree there's something that happens to many regardless of where there from that they go from normal to braindead when they travel, much research is required in this study. Be careful with the instant mashed potatoes that stuff can really bung you up.

Stephanie said...

Ahhh, you nailed it all on the head. Yes, we Canadians fucking rock!

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