Crazy Times In The City

Now I don't know what the fuck it is, but for some reason I seem to be a magnet for all the crazy fucked up people in the world. I swear there must be a giant neon red sign above my head that reads "If you're crazy and you know bug this guy" that only they can see because the voices tell them it's there or the space aliens who beam messages into their brains show them, perhaps it's Satan who appears to them as a dog named Rex for all I fucking know. But the end result is always the same, these fuckers come to me EVERY SINGLE TIME.

And if they don't come to me directly they do something near me that forces me to get involved in their wacky bullshit antics, take last night for example.

There I am, it's about 8:30 at night walking home minding my own business. Suddenly like Spiderman with his "Spidey" sense I get this bad feeling in my stomach, you know the type that yells out "Hey fucker somethings not right check you're six" (Check your six for those who don't know means look behind you). No sooner then I get this bad feeling that some fucked up guy comes sprinting past me with an arm full of tools and belts for construction or carpentry or that kind of stuff.

The guy goes running past me to a nearby staircase where he stops, turns around and starts yelling shit at the top of his lungs to a security guard and some dude who reminded me of Borat who were close behind him. He yells shit like "I'm gonna fuk you up cock-a-roackes" like he's Tony Montana. Now for obviously reasons this got me immediate attention because I was only a few feet away and I move closer to see if I can help the security guard and Borat. Crazy guy sees me now getting closer to him and pulls a hammer out from the tool belt and begins to wave it around threatening us and anyone nearby.

Are you fucking kidding me? There are kids outplaying in the nearby park, and elderly people walking their expensive dogs and this lunatic is going to wave a hammer around like he's going to kill somebody, NOT ON MY FUCKING WATCH HE'S NOT.

I move in close and the security guard and Borat try to tackle the guy from the other side but all they managed to do was get the guy more pissed off. Now I don't know what this dude's problem is, he could be stoned, drunk, or have some mental fuck up upstairs for all I know, either way I'm not going to charge the fucking guy when he's crazy..........at least not until I have the upper hand, that's a good way to get a hammer in the side of the head and frankly I would like to have a semi functional brain THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

So I try a different approach, I calmy walk right up in front of the crazy guy who's waving the hammer all over the place, look him square in the eye and tell him in a calm loud voice "You don't want this shit, put the hammer down NOW".....and you know what he actually listened and threw the hammer behind him, he stood there starring at me as I kept eye contact. It was kinda like that scene in that movie Crocodile Dundee where the main character calms down the water buffalo or whatever it was by staring it down and chanting some stuff, only this time the water buffalo was some fucking crazy dude in pajama pants and a wife beater.

Now as I'm doing this I'm trying to signal to the security guard and Borat to get behind this crazy fuck and help me take him to the ground, neither one got the message, but at least they kept their distance and blocked this guy's escape route. Fortunately a minute later about a half dozen cop cars show up and almost a dozen cops appeared ready to fuck this guy up, and in Vancouver they don't fuck around and where on him faster then you can say "What the fu...."

In the end nobody got hurt except for the security guard who had a cut on his hand from the hammer, and the crazy fucker who got a face full of sidewalk when they slapped the cuffs on him.....GOOD TIMES HAD BY ALL.

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Erica Cerra

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