A Day At The Spa

Today being my last full day in Tofino I needed to do something drastic to get in a better state of mind. While being close to the ocean and hardly any people around me has helped a lot it hasn't been enough to get me into that happy state of being where everything is wonderful and fucking magical, and elves are playing harps on the back of unicorns or some shit like that. So I did something I've never done in my life....went to the spa.

I know some guys out there would probably give me flak and call me a fairy or a sissy bitch for going, to them I say this.....FUCK YOU, YOU DONKEY RAPING SHIT EATER, I KNOW YOU SECRETLY WEAR YOU'RE MOTHERS CLOTHES. THAT DODGE HEMI YOU OWN DOESN'T MAKE YOU'RE DICK BIGGER EITHER ASSHOLE.........I mean errr go to hell.

So getting back on target here, yeah I went to the spa. Now being a virgin to the whole relaxation thingy I didn't know what to expect. First off guys there were hot blond chicks coming out of every corner, not a bad first impression I thought. While I was trying hard not to stare and look like a fucking perv I realised they were playing some Celtic type music, Enya or Enigma or something close to that, another good impression for a first timer since I like that kind of music when I need to chill out or sleep.

I'm talking with the receptionist about different types of treatments you can get, stuff like pedicures and manicures, some type of massage you can get with hot stones and something called hydrotherapy. At first I thought it would involve fighting one of the multi headed snake things, which doesn't sound very relaxing though it would be a shit load of fun if I get a machine gun. I sure as fuck don't want to go toe to toe with a giant multi headed fucking snake with a sharp pointy stick, or my math solving prowless. I'd get fucked up faster then a choir boy in prison. Fortunately I was totally wrong it's like some sort or hot tub thing with over a hundred jets, now I'm thinking "Hmmmmm hot tub plus hot blonde's equals good times had by all" So naturally that's the one I decided to go with.

I go to change into a bathrobe and await my therapy, and out walks this guy, well call him Hanz. Hanz tells me he'll be taking care of me............ummmm what the fuck happened to the hot blonde's? I counted no less then 5 of them, I'm sure they weren't all busy WHAT THE FUCK? I play it cool maybe one of the blonde's is getting the room ready or something. He brings me a copper tub full of hot water and marbles to help relax my feet before I hit the tub, which I gotta admit felt pretty good.

Now it comes time to hit the tub for some hydrotherapy. Hanz opens the door and was there some hot blond waiting for me......nope just a fucking candle lit room and a mammoth fucking contraction that looks like it could send me back in time (apparently this is the hot tub thingy) Hanz starts to give me the run down, explaining everything such as where the emergency button is if I should happen to drown, and where some water and ice is. I stop him in mid sentence look him square in the eye and ask him:

"Ummm you're not getting in this tub with me are you, because I didn't bring a bathing suit I don't think getting naked with another dude is going to make me very relaxed!"

Hanz laughs.......nervously, then tells me the tub is just for me and me alone (Thank fuck if Hanz got in there with me I would go ape shit in a second) Hanz sets the timer for twenty minutes and leaves me alone with the contraption.

I jump in not really knowing what I was in for, I've been in hot tubs before and those bathtubs that have jets and shit so I thought it was going to be something close to that.............NOT EVEN FUCKING CLOSE. In about two seconds I'm hit on all sides by about a dozen jets, it was all I could do to hold onto the handles, but fuck me did it feel good. The massive knots in my back and shoulders literally disappeared and after a couple seconds of getting adjusted to this machine I was able to start to relax. I even did something that I haven't done since just before new year's eve 2000 and fucking 9.........I actually had a smile on my face. After a few minutes it all became a blur as my ability to form coherent sentences was temporally lost and replaced by thoughts like:

" Me likey water........Ummmmmm....."
" Rubber ducky makey splashy ..........."
" Blahhhhhhhh...............Muhahahah......burp"
" Uhhhhh thwerwkhr.....eheh...........thkaksdthhtkehehrkfhkdfht.........what he said"

Then like a good dream it was over, you know the kind where you think you're James Bond and driving at mach fucking 10 in a Austin Martin with Pussy Galore (Fuck I love the names they used to give the Bond Girls such as Holly Goodhead, and Plenty O'Toole) then you wake up just before you get some. Now instead of taking my time and slowly getting out of the thing which is what I SHOULD have done, I literally jump out of the tube...........BAD FUCKING MOVE ON MY PART. Instantly I have the urge to puke, shit, and fall over at the same time.......AND I WAS FUCKING SOBER. My first step out of the tub and I dam near go face first into the tile floor. I then have to spend the next few minutes trying to dry off while holding onto the wall and holding the towel in my teeth as I try to pat myself dry, which meant a lot of dry humping the wall........yeah it wasn't pretty folks.

Now finally dressed and semi coherent I stumble out of the room to be greeted by Hanz in the hallway.

"Did you enjoy it?" He asked in a think German/ Austrian whatever the fuck accent. Sorry but every time he spoke all I could think about was black and white clips off Stuka dive bombers and Panzer tanks crushing Poland. I know that's wrong of me Germans and Austrians are wonderful people, they were just a little "Unhappy" between the years 1939 to 1945. Which brings me to my next point........DON'T PISS OFF THE GERMANS THERE DUE FOR A WIN.

And that my loyal stalkers followers is the tale of my trip to the spa. I'm not sure if I feel any more relaxed then when I started.............but hey it could have been worse.

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Gloria Velez

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