Guys if you’ve had to watch a chick flick then you understand my pain. Now I consider myself lucky that I haven’t had to watch one in awhile, but let me tell you the emotional scares haunt me still. Like the red headed step child who has to point on the doll where the bad man touched them these shit flicks can cause serious emotional damage that can never be repaired. Unfortunately women love this shit, they eat it up like sponge cake covered in bacon, mmmmmmmm bacon. This sappy tear jerking bullshit gets them all weepy and emotional, good news for them, bad news for us. Unfortunately they also know how to use this as a weapon to break our souls. But there are things you can do to avoid disaster, here are some tips I’ve developed that are guaranteed to get you out of watching any of these types of movies.
1. Fake a seizure
Not sure how to do it, imagine you’re drunk, you’ve crapped yourself and you’re stuck in a blender all at once. For that little extra effect you try to spit up on the carpet, don’t worry you won’t have to clean it.
2. Pretend you’re possessed by evil spirits
This got me out of having to watch the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice. Make sure to watch the Exorcist or the Exorcism of Emily Rose before hand, both are awesome movies. Also if you can covertly eat as many peas and maple syrup as possible. When it comes time to watch the movie, let her get about 3 or 4 minutes into it, this will make throwing up so much easier. Now projectile vomit at the T.V and speak in tongues or just mumble shit about an old priest and a young priest.
3. Tell her you’re gay
Let the opening credits roll and in a calm and quiet voice lean over, look her straight in the eye and say “Honey I’m gay” then jump up and skip down the hallway. I guarantee you she’ll be in so much fucking shock you could immediately throw in you’re favourite midget clown porn tape and blast some metal and she won’t stop you………..let the good times roll.
4. Give her the Vulcan neck pinch
Now I’ve watched enough episodes of the 60’s Star Trek to know this is a sound proven technique. As soon as she grabs the remote give her the pinch and BAM Herpes…….I mean she’ll go down….yeah that’s it. Leaving you in control of that very precious remote to do you’re bidding.
5. Burn some shit
Don’t want to watch the notebook, start a fire. I guarantee you she won’t want to watch any chick flick when the kitchen table is on fire, besides this is a great excuse to buy new shit.
6. Shoot the T.V
This is only in extreme cases when all sensible negotiations have failed. When it results to this you’re doing the T.V a favour. Look at the bright side you’ll get that new big screen you always wanted.
When there is no more room in Hell, the dumb shall walk the Earth
In my 30 years on this planet I’ve seen some fucked up shit, done some fucked up shit, and thought about some fucked up shit, but today was something a little extra special. I’m not sure if it has something to do with the cycle of the moon the impending apocalypse of 2012, all the chemicals in our food or what the fuck but today I was surrounded by the walking dumb. It didn’t matter if I was walking my dog along the sea wall, running errands, or looking out my window. Everywhere I went there they were, those blank eyed, half out of it fuckers who can barley remember their name.
You try to squeeze around them in the grocery store and they just stand their with this look on their face as if they can’t decide to take a shit or solve a math question. My personal favourite was this morning when this dopey eyed fuck walked right into me but starred at me the whole time, I mean seriously are you that fucking stupid you can’t see me, I’m not a fucking midge I’m 6 ft tall for fuck’s sack.
And it’s not just on the sidewalks and in the stores it’s on the road too, slack jawed fuckers with no expression on their faces mumbling and drooling on themselves while blinding driving their cars through red lights almost hitting other stupid fuckers to out of it to realize some dumb shit almost turned them into a greasy smear on the road.
It was like something out of a horror movie, kinda like 28 days later in a sense. You know the part where what’s his name wakes up all messed up in a hospital bed and wanders the streets of London with a plastic bag full of chocolate and a coke in the other while wearing a hospital gown, exactly like that minus the hospital gown, coke, plastic bag, and deserted London backdrop it was identical. Identical in that feeling of “Okay what the fuck just happened?” kinda feeling.
So after much thought and scientific studying (15 minutes of watching YouTube videos of 90’s Euro dance) I have come to the conclusion this condition has been caused by either of the following.
1. A rogue asteroid sending radiation into the atmosphere affecting all those out in the open
2. An alien take over, cause that makes sense
3. I am evolving so fucking fast that everyone else seems to be getting dumber (Highly possible me thinks)
4. The government yet again is trying to fuck us up
5. Or a combination of all those above, in which case we are doomed, doomed I say
Of course it could be because it’s Monday and everybody is hung over and right the fuck out of it…….perhaps this requires more study.
So the other day I had to run some errands and ended up at Wall-Mart, after all that’s where all the cool kids hang out, and I’m oh so desperate to hang with the cool kids………yeah fuck that. Anyways I bought the stuff I needed, fought through the masses of fat smelly people covered in sweat and nachos chips. Ignorant old people who wouldn’t move out of the way and all manner of trailer trash that belong in a tornado. On the way home I see this very attractive woman (she looked legal by the way) in a very revealing top and short shorts. Naturally because I’m a guy I looked. What I got back was her giving me the finger, a disgusted look of hatred on her face and her shouting “Fuck you asshole” as I drove past……what the fuck??????
Now first when I said I looked I didn’t stare, nor stare and drool, nor did I roll down the window and yell out “It puts the lotion on its skin“, or some other creepy line. I was not dressed in a clown suit, trench coat, ski mask, or crotch less lobster suit just to clarify. I simply took a quick look, the same kind of passing look that most guys give women they think are attractive. I mean after all she was showing major cleavage and had some pretty big melons, and her shorts were short enough to almost see everything. It was the kind of outfit that screams “Hi nice to meet you………would you care for some coffee or tea, followed by sexual relations?” to which I would have replied in an English accent “Why yes my dear, I would love a post of Earl grey tea followed by sexual relations. Perhaps afterwards we could discuss politics and the economics of the working class over a game of cribbage, and then ride through the park in a carriage to my manor house.” And by manor house I mean van down by the river where I look for empty beer cans to trade in for more beer and cheese whiz.
So this is where I’m confused, I mean you don’t wear an outfit like that unless you want guys or girls to look at you. I also don’t think, though not sure if she was a prostitute, not that there is anything wrong with that we all have to make a living after all. So yeah I’m confused about the whole ordeal. Perhaps I was still showing some of my earlier anger from the ass pirate who almost ran into me in the Wall-Mart parking lot because the fat fuck was too impatient to get to McDonald’s to stuff his meat flaps. Or the dozens of other misfits who belong in a zoo wandering around aimlessly, or plunking away on crack berry’s while there pants which are two sizes too small can barley contain their fat ass. Perhaps I still looked bitter from having a bird shit on the car? Or perhaps my car and I didn’t fit her standards.
Whatever the case she was pissed and I’m confused. I don’t think I’m a hideous ugly fucker, I mean people don’t scream “kill it” and chase me with torches and pitchforks…………though that could be fun. The car I was driving wasn’t a pile of shit which means it wasn’t a Dodge. I even had a clean shirt on, so what the fuck gives. Does anyone out there in internet land that is wise in the ways of the force know why this is cause I don’t get it.
First off I’m not a trekker trekkie or whatever the fuck they want to call themselves, the only trilogy for me involves a wookie, the Death Star and one Carrie Fisher in a bronze bikini. That being said I do have to give my kudos to Captain Kirk. Now let’s forget all the movies, the spin off TV shows and get right back to the original show. This low budget get is packed full of cheesy and awesomeness, why because you simply have to fucking laugh when you watch it. The sets were made of what looks like cardboard; the acting was to say the least terrible.
What other shows unless their mocking Star Trek involves a white guy overacting and trying to pick up women who look like they stumbled out of a package of skittles or were dressed in second hand curtains in every episode. The man single headedly patented jumping off a Styrofoam rock and giving a karate chop, or my personal favourite the two handed punch, pure fucking gold me thinks.
And …….lets not forget ..his overacting….SKILLS……in …whichhetalkslikethis……IN EACH AND……every episode…..andhowitpitches……..Up And DOWN……..up ANDDOWN…….liketidalwaveonthesea……KIRK TO enterprise…….whatthe……….FUCK
Alexander Ovechkin, if you follow hockey you have heard about this guy, one of the best players in the NHL at this time. While his ability as a player is not in question his attitude is that of a spoiled rich self absorbed ass nugget. Last night in their playoff run Montreal and Washington played. Before the game there was a little tribute to the Montreal Canadians, one of the oldest teams in hockey and winner of dozens of Stanley cups.
Now I didn’t watch the game because I was doing something more important (I think watching Asian porn but I can’t remember) I didn’t get to see the whole game or this little ceremony beforehand. I do know that Montreal lost the game, but that’s another matter altogether. What got my attention was this little video I found on You Tube showing spraying ice in the face of a kid waving a flag before he goes to sit down.
Who the fuck does this asshole think he is, I don’t care how rich or good you think you are you should know better. This ignorant fuck is idolized by kids and he pulls this kinda crap, I’m sorry but if you’re in sports and a big name you should act like a role model, not as a rich asshole. If I want to see a rich asshole I just need to walk around Vancouver it’s full of them, and some of them are a hell of a lot more attractive then this sack of shit. Yeah he can play hockey, he can also go fuck himself as far as I’m concerned. Its retards like this that ruin professional sports, and brings me to my next point why the fuck are they getting paid so much? I served my country and couldn’t afford a pot to take a shit in, and these ass clowns throw a ball, pass a puck, or make a basket and get millions, yet nine times out of ten do fuck all in return other then sign some autographs and bang some high priced prostitutes (Not that there is anything wrong with high priced prostitutes).
Okay now I want to punch some rich fucker in the face, here’s the video.
The other night L.A played Vancouver in game 3 of their playoff run (In case you’re not a hockey fan) during the game there was a controversial goal that was supposedly “kicked” in by one of the Canucks players. I saw the video and there is no fucking way that was a kick, but that’s a post for another day. My beef is with Kelly Hrudey the former LA kings goaltender from the 90’s and now a dusty windbag sweating in a seat on hockey night in Canada. Why in the fuck did they let this guy on T.V and who did he blow to get on hockey night in Canada, which is not only the only good thing about the CBC but a staple in almost every Canadians life to some degree, well at least in mine.
So this useless fuck (Kelly Hrudey if you’re still paying attention) is commenting about the no goal. First he’s all huffing and puffing about how it should be a goal. Then the douche canoe in mid sentence stutters and says it’s not, what the fuck?
But it’s not just this incident that pisses me off; this sack of fat is the worst, most uninformed glue bag I’ve ever seen on TV. I’d rather see that useless skinny bitch Paris Hilton in his place; at least she knows how to handle a stick. Half the time he spits out gibberish while sweating in his cheap suit. Frankly a pig with a fire cracker up its ass could do a better job at commentating then this shit turbine.
Okay so yesterday I decided to share the love a little bit and show you 50 things that I like. In case you think I’m turning a new leaf and being all positive and shit I got two words for you FUCK THAT. So here is my list of 50 things that I hate, 50 things that really piss me off and drive my urge to kill through the roof, 50 things that make me want to punch people in the face, not you of course you’re reading this post so you’re cool. So here we go.
1. Blackberry, ever since these devices came around many people think its okay to plunk away on this device when you’re trying talk to them, yeah they fucking suck
2. Reality T.V, okay so Survivor was cool in the first season but now to have every fucking channel crap out another spin off is fucking ridiculous. How bout this for a concept, a real fucking TV show.
3. Tree huggers, yeah I get the environment is important but you don’t have to be a stinking pussy about it
4. Gay bashers, so their gay get the fuck over it it’s not 1950 anymore cock jaws.
5. The Dutch because their so dam evil
6. Movie theatre prices, 14 bucks for some shit flick are you kidding me seriously for 14 bucks I could get a bad case of herpes and a BJ from Rhonda the prostitute down on the corner and at least have some satisfaction.
7. Yes men, nothing makes me cringe more then some brown nose sucking up to a boss, grow some nuts and some dignity cause were all laughing at you.
8. Kelly Hrudey, a former goaltender for the LA Kings back in the 90’s and now a commentator on hockey night in Canada, this turd in a suit pisses me off royally
9. Star Wars episodes 1,2, and 3, why cause they sucked
10. Anime
11. Cheetos
12. Dogs that can fit in a Ziploc bag
13. My family, do I really need to explain this one?
14. ABBA dancing queen I will fuck you up
15. Pride and Prejudice, all 4 or 5 versions of this movie should be used to interrogate suspected terrorists in Guantanamo bay Cuba cause watching these movies is torture.
16. Fat chicks in clothing that’s 4 sizes to small, yeah nobody likes a fat ass hanging out especially when you’re sucking down a cheeseburger, very un-sexy.
17. Lawyers
18. Country music, I’m depressed and bitter enough as it is I sure as fuck don’t need to hear about your dog dying, your cat getting run over by a tractor and your cousin cheating on you with your other cousin who is also you’re uncle and stepfather…..yee haw
19. Boy bands
20. Chick flicks, nothing is a surer sign of the approving end times then these train wrecks on film.
21. Anne Murray, cause I really hate that bitch
22. Robocop the TV show, now the original 1987 but the TV show was more painful then masturbating with sand paper.
23. Hip Hop I don’t get it I never will
24. Trailer parks
25. Rich fuckers who brag about how much money they have
26. Know it all fuckers who brag about everything they know
27. Dumb tourists
28. The French
29. Gone with the wind because frankly my dear I don’t give a flying fuck
30. The chipmunks, does anyone else want to stuff them into a microwave like me?
31. Diva’s
32. Drama queens
33. Bob Vila
34. The guy from the sham wow commercials, I get it its towel now shut you’re fucking pie hole.
35. Disco
36. Toronto cause they think there from the center of the universe
37. Rotten ham
38. Diet cola, what the fuck is the point of diet pop it’s worse then the regular stuff , and no if you slurp down 40 fucking cheeseburgers in a single sitting and order a diet coke it’s not going to wash away all that fat and grease.
39. Animal cruelty
40. Child molesters, I catch you trying to diddle a little boy I will fuck you up
41. Inflatable sheep, don’t ask
42. Martha Stewart cause she’s a cow
43. Oprah, yup I said Oprah
44. Quebec separatists, you live in one of the best countries in the world and you want to form your own little shit hole country are you fucking kidding me.
45. TELUS try working for these ass pirates for a few months and you’ll want to walk into their head office and start a shooting spree too.
46. The Canadian government, some of the dumbest fuckers alive run the country……go figure
47. Fat guys in Speedos, okay if you’re overweight and really hairy DO NOT WEAR A SPEEDO, please for the children cover up.
48. Leprechauns
49. Winter
50. Geo metro’s, what a fucking retarded little car, I mean 3 cylinders it’s basically a glorified lawnmower.
Okay so now that I’ve shared my little list of what I like and hate, now it’s your turn what are some things you love and hate?
While there are a lot of things that drive me nuts and piss me off, and things I really fucking hate (That’s a future post by the way) I thought I would go in a little different direction and spread some love. Now let’s all gather round and sing some melodies……..yeah right fuck that. Anyways here are 50 things that I feel kick ass.
1. Clint Eastwood, do I really need to explain why
2. War movies, why cause their awesome
3. John Wayne, cause he is the shit
4. Cleavage, nothing says hello better then this
5. Beer, as long as it isn’t the stuff they try to pass as beer in the U.S because it generally tastes like stale piss
6. Ninja’s because who wouldn’t want to be one
7. Porn, no explanation required
8. Hockey, cause I’m Canadian eh
9. Kylie Minogue, watch a music video or two or hers and you’ll understand why
10. Danny Minogue, same reason as number 9
11. Kung-Fu movies
12. Arnold Schwarzenegger’sone liners “I’ll be back”
13. 90’s Steven Segal movies, call him what you will but in the 90’s nobody was better at beating the fuck out of people then he, his acting…….well what can I say it sucked.
14. Chuck Norris because he can kill you six times before you hit the floor
15. Credence Clearwater Revival or CCR for short because no Vietnam War movie is complete without at least one song from this band
16. 60’s muscle cars, who fucking cares how much gas they burn their fast and built like a tank
17. The Road Warrior cause nobody can make eating dog food and the post apocalypse look as cool as Max Rockatanski and the last of the V8 interceptors
18. MILF’s because you know you want her
19. UFC cause nothing is more entertaining then two grown men beating the fuck out of each other
20. Explosions, why, go blow something up and you’ll understand
21. Rammstein, sure I can’t understand a fucking word of German and for all I know they could be singing about how much Hitler loved kittens, but it sounds cool
22. Family Guy
23. Mud wrestling, whoever invented the idea of two girls fighting in mud, jello, or potato salad is a friggin genius
24. Airwolf, the idea of the show guy fly’s around in helicopter and blows shit up, do we need any more storyline then that.
25. Wet t-shirt contests
26. Fallout 3 my favourite game of all time, go play it if you haven’t yet
27. Lucy Liu cause she looks good in leather and can kick ass
28. The first Matrix movie and only the first Matrix movie
29. Full Metal Jacket, the movie is so awesome it’s a fucking modern art masterpiece
30. Grenades
31. Star Wars, not the bullshit new ones but the original trilogy
32. Commando, probably the cheesiest Arnold movie of all time. I recommend watching it in Spanish for an extra giggle
33. 90’s music, because most of the music put out these days is copy and past crap
34. Zombie movies
35. Stephen King books
36. The west coast, the best part of Canada as far as I’m concerned
37. Tequila cause you can buy it in Mexico by the gallon
38. Strip bars in Montreal, if you’ve never been to a strip bar in Montreal you haven’t lived
39. Cigars from Cuba
40. Dynamite, it’s not just for fishing anymore
41. Those Asian chicks who model beside sports cars
42. Hell’s Kitchen, “You fucking donkey, in the bin!”
43. Beyonce
44. Fully automatic assault rifles
45. Sean Connery, if I live to be a quarter as cool as him I shall die a happy man
46. Stonehenge, you know I’m not sure why I put this on my list, I mean I don’t really hate Stonehenge…..meh fuck it
47. Catherine Zeta Jones, how in the name of Zeus’s butt hole does she get hotter with age?
48. Kickboxing
49. Robocop, not the fucking TV show that sucked donkey testicles, the original movie from 1987
50. Bacon, because bacon can be used for anything, it can be a meal all unto itself, or a side dish, even a desert it’s hands down the ultimate food.
Today like any other day I take my dog for long walks around the sea wall here in Vancouver. It’s a great way to take in a little nature and some piece and quiet in an otherwise busy city. Normally these walks ease my tired and broken soul enough to make me not want to curb stomp every fucker who looks at me shifty eyed (Yes I’m bitter I know). But today that peace that sense that maybe just maybe things might be a little better today………nope that dream got ass raped in the shower prison style. Why you ask? Because the sea wall was choked full of dumb ass tourists.
Normally I don’t mind people along the wall, the hot jogger girls with oh so tight tights bouncing past me oblivious cause they have their Ipods plugged in, other dog walkers who I sometimes strike up a meaningless conversation with……did I mention the hot jogging girls? Anyways today the wall was full of dumbass, confused and overly obvious tourists.
You’re probably thinking that when I mention tourists I’m going to bash Americans…..nope you are dead wrong, it was Chinese and Japanese and a handful of Koreans who drove my urge to kill to the fucking stratosphere. Don’t take this that I’m a racist I could honestly care less what your race or sexual orientation is, you could even be a goat and or a dog fucker for all I care, I break people down into two groups good decent people and assholes it’s as simple as that.
So the next time your in a foreign country here are some handy dandy rules of engagement or ROE’s for you tourist types so people like me don’t drown you in the pacific.
1. If your walking along the sea-wall or another type of narrow walkway pick a fucking side and stay there, let the hot bouncing jogger girls pass, you’ll be glad they did trust me.
2. Don’t stand in the middle of the fucking way and not move even though you know I’m there you can hear my dog barking and I’m telling you to get the fuck out of my way in both official Canadian languages (English and French for those who don’t know)
3. Don’t ask local stupid questions such as, “Do you know Jim from Thunder bay?” No I don’t fucking know Jim, Jack, or Joe from Thunder Bay, Thunderdome or wherever the fuck they live.
4. Watch the weather channel before you travel so you don’t look like a complete fucking retard showing up in a parka and scarf when it’s 18 degrees outside, were all going to laugh at you.
5. If you rent a bike, moped, or use roller blades follow the rules like the rest of us, and don’t hog the fucking road
6. I don’t care how fucking rich and powerful you are in (Insert country here) don’t wear a bright pink fanny pack, again were all going to laugh at you.
7. Do not gloat to a local about how another hockey team beat the local hockey team. We take hockey seriously up here; it’s like our religion eh. And you know what people do when there fanatical about religion wink wink
8. Just because you see a local don’t expect us to be all smiles and sunshine and try to start a random conversation with them, again were going to laugh at you
9. If you’re in a liquor store, grocery store, porn store, do not stand so fucking close to me your practically dry humping me. This is only cool when you’re a hot jogging girl, hot nurse, or Lucy Liu, for all others do not violate my personal space or I will stab you with the closest package of Halls I can grab.
10. That cell phone you’re yelling into to make yourself look important just makes you look like a dink and I would love nothing more then to smash it with a rock…..while it’s still beside your head.
Today I read a post on one of the blogs I follow (Zombie Killer’s Guide) check it out it’s pretty interesting. Anyways it got me thinking about criminals and how more often then not it seems that those who commit the worst crimes seem to almost get away with it. It seems that those who commit mass murder, rape, child molestation, and other brutal acts apart from getting locked away don’t really have it so bad. They talk on the news about the criminal’s rights to appeal and due process and all that bullshit while the families of those victims are given nothing, not a fucking thing.
In fact more often then not it seems that those who have been victimized are victimized again by the justice system that’s supposed to help and protect tax paying hard working people. Now Before I continue I understand that sometimes petty crimes happen or kids do something stupid that lands them in jail, I’ll admit I was arrested more then once for some really stupid things before the army smartened me up. It was all juvenile stuff that was stupid and me trying to get in with the “cool crowd” or so I thought at the time.
But getting back on point, I started thinking to myself what would I do to these scum bags if I ran the show.
1. All those sick fucking pedophiles would have a P branded on their face then thrown in general population with an envelope containing ten thousand dollars and a full pardon to the inmate who takes the initiative to “dispose” of them. I would also let the victim’s family have 10 minutes alone with them before they ever saw the inside of a prison.
2. those who commit rape will be raped themselves to get a taste of the pain and suffering they caused on others
3. Serial killers once found guilty will not sit in a cell isolated from the world for the next 50 years or however long the oxygen thieves will live for. As soon as the trial would end there would be a public execution, this will not only save tax payers millions but send a clear message to those who think of committing such acts that to think again.
4. Inmates on death row would not sit in a cell for 20 fucking years at a time; they might get a week at most before their put down. Unfortunately in Canada there is no death penalty so that’s another thing that would need correction.
5. To save lives overseas I would take the worst criminals and use them to detonate mines and IED’s
( Improvised Explosive Devices) that have killed thousands of soldiers who are worth a million times more then some shit head rapist.
6. The families and the victims would be fully supported by the government, free counselling, and paid compensation (Though no amount will heal the wounds it will make their lives easier) and anything they need to help them heal and move on. The funding for this can be taken from the fuckers who traumatized them.
I consider myself fairly comfortable with my appearance, I know I’m not perfect I have my faults just like everyone else. But then you get those assholes, you know the type the 2 percent body fat perfect definition hairless bastards who strut around like there god’s gift to every fucking thing under the sun.
So here’s why I’m bitter, a friend of mine showed me a pic of this guy who she was going to go on a date with. Instead of some average looking joe she had to rub it in my face with the pic of some shirtless ass pirate with six pac abs, I immediately wanted to stab out his eyes with a fork and piss in the empty holes, and I’ll be honest the thought of giving her a Captain Kirk style karate chop to the neck did cross my mind.
Now before you go giving me the “Your just jealous cause you’re secretly into her” speech let me correct you right off the bat. First I’m not into here I’m still deep into my I don’t trust women phase from my separation. And second it honestly makes me feel embarrassed of my appearance when I get the vibe that I’m compared to someone else who looks like that. I can totally understand how women can feel when compared to some skinny photoshoped model on a magazine. Okay that’s about as fucking sensitive as I’m going to get on this post.
For all you average joe’s out there in internet land remember this they might look prettier but they’ll still go down with a swift boot to the balls. Don’t let their appearance make you think less of yourself. Ladies this applies to you as well, in fact I encourage you to fight with them……then make out…please :)
We all have “don’t go there” zones. Certain words or phrases that really piss us off more then anything else in the world. For me the three words above make my blood boil. Now normally I have a pretty thick skin, thanks to my time in the army putting up with a mountain and a half of bullshit on a daily basis. Most insults don’t even phase me, and trust me I’ve been called everything and anything under the sun by all sorts of people, and I don’t give a flying fuck.
But it’s these three words listed above that drive my bat shit mad faster then a fat kid on a smartie. It was these words that my so called father called me every day when describing me either in public or at home. It was these same words that my step father called me because he was a drunk and a useless waste of skin. To me these words pack more of a punch then cunt or useless fuck or any other type of insult you can imagine, and I’m sure you know some good ones.
So what’s with the assholes out there who use these and other words on people even when they know that these are extremely hurtful, in my case they actually have triggered flashbacks from abuse, and yet certain people still use them as frequently as fuck or shit or thanks for asking. My is mentally wrong with these shit heads who claim to be one thing say your friend and then bash you with these types of words. Are they petty and enjoy getting under your skin? Do they even realize what their doing? Do the assholes even fucking care?
To summarize to those of you out there who know people who use words like this to insult and anger you, punch the fuckers in the face it’s what they deserve. To those of you who insult others for your own petty insecurities first you should be ashamed of yourselves. You have no idea what that individual had to go through and what there still going still.
Okay not sure if it’s because I’m getting old, soft or nostalgic but I’ve been thinking a lot about the 90’s. Perhaps it’s part of the human condition to try to connect with the past. For me as a teenager in the 90’s I didn’t have it easy (That’s a topic for a different day perhaps) but even still I feel particularly connected to this decade. I got to do a lot and travel and see things most don’t get the opportunity in the following decade but the 90’s hold a special place for me. Perhaps like all teenagers in whatever decade that’s when you really start to define who you are as a person.
Anyways since the 90’s is my favourite decade here are some of the things from that time that I miss and some that I’m glad aren’t around anymore
The Simpson’s When They Were Funny
Between 1994 and 1998 was the golden age for the Simpson’s when you could watch the show and laugh at the crazy antics. They were almost as funny as Family Guy. After 98 the show started to go downhill for me, no its just plain boring as fuck and I refuse to watch it.
The Music
Nowadays the mainstream music seems to be pumped out commercial bullshit. While songs in the 90’s were used to make money the quality and originality was far superior. The music of the following decade though having many good songs and artists seems almost blatantly commercial and makes no attempt to hide the fact. And where is the variety that could be found in the 90’s, it seems to either be some tweeny shit or pop shit, or well just plain shit.
90’s Action Movies
While special effects and computer animation are far better today there is a huge lack of action movies. Guys like Stephen Segal and Jean Claude Van Damme were at their height in the 90’s. Sure the movies were a lot of the same, you know the cop that watches his partner die then swears revenge. They were packed full of classic one liners, brutal violence, and usually more often then not some good ole fashion T&A
No Reality TV
I am so fucking sick of shows like Survivor, America’s Next Top Crack Whore, American Idol and other spewed out bullshit, it’s not reality it’s a fucking popularity contest. Mark Burnett or whatever the fuck his name in should punched in the junk for creating all these shitty mind sucking shows.
No Remakes
Many of the movies created today (Yep I’m on movies again) are remakes of TV shows and movies from before, confirming in my mind that Hollywood is out of ideas.
What I Don’t Miss
Like any decade there is always the good and the bad, there were things that happened in the 90’s that I’m thankful aren’t around anymore.
Cassettes
I fucking hate tapes, you have to rewind them or turn them over and if left in the sun they would melt. They also had moving parts that if they became loose would squeak during the music, which sounded like a mouse jerking off.
VCR’s
Like cassettes I fucking hate them, after a few plays the movies quality would deteriorate. They could also get stuck in the machine meaning tape went everywhere
Dial Up Internet
How many of you remember the good ole days of dial up. You log on and that fucking anything telephone sound would play while your Windows 95 behemoth of a computer tried to establish a connection, half the time it would fail. Not to mention there was no Google it was Netscape, fucking Netscape they sucked.
So here’s the question what do you miss about the 90’s, or do you miss it at all post a comment and let me know.
If there’s one thing in this world I hate (more then blood sucking assholes who waste oxygen) is dishonest people who feel they need to lie. Whether it’s lying to try to social climb and get ahead, or whether it’s to be the “cool” guy who brags and thinks they know everything I can’t stand bullshit, and bullshit regardless of color is still bullshit.
So my question is whatever happened to honesty, being accountable for your actions and being a man and saying “Hey I did that I fucked it up royally and I take responsibility for it”. What ever happened to your word meaning something? In the words of Tony Montana “I got two things in this world, my balls and my word and I don’t break’em for no one”. Is there anyone left out in the world who is honest and true to their word?
This could be a very long blog post, lets face it in our day to day lives we bump into all sorts of assholes who get in our way, annoy us, are rude, slam doors in our face without knowing it, or standing in the middle of the aisle focused on their “crack berry” and even after you say excuse me like 3 or for times they don’t fucking move so you want to bash their brains in with a can of Campbell’s tomato soup which has less salt but still just as effective as a means to make that prick a vegetable. Anyways here a little list I made of just a few of those who almost seem to love to piss us off.
The guy who crosses the crosswalk long after the light is red
If this doesn’t make you want to drive that asshole into the dirt I don’t know what will. Now that I live in a bigger city I have this happen all the time. You’re waiting at an intersection, finally the light turns green and you start to drive only to have to slam on the brakes because some idiot decides two seconds after the light changes that he’s going to cross. Who the fuck made this guy the king of the intersection. Now you have to site their and wait for them to take their sweet ass time to cross, when the finally do you have to make a mad dash through the intersection because the light is changing while the time some other dink is behind you honking their horn at you thinking you’re the jack ass who isn’t paying attention behind the wheel. Just as a warning the next fucker who pulls this one off on me is getting run over…….you’ve been warned.
The guy who thinks he’s so important because he’s on a cell phone
How many times have you been in a confined space, let’s say a restaurant or a bus. Usually a couple feet away is some needle dick on the phone trying to brag it up about how great they are, or how much money their investing in blow up dolls or whatever crap. They have to talk so loud the entire place can hear them, and they don’t shut up. No they ramble on for like twenty minutes then call some other waste of skin about how their so great and gold bars shit out their ass because their so fucking wonderful.
The guy who steals your seat
Lets say you have a date and decide to go to some nice restaurant for all you can eat wings and beer, if that doesn’t impress the ladies then I don’t know what will. Anyways you get their dinner is great, the conversation is going extremely well, and for whatever reason one of you has to leave the table for a moment. The one person leaves let’s say it’s you to hit the john. You come back and some asshole has thrown your coat off the chair onto the floor in a puddle of some sorta shit and food chunks and is walking away with your chair. …..yeah these fuckers usually get a punch in the face right off the bat when it happens to me
The guy who hits on your girlfriend right in front of you
This one really pisses me off royally. When I’m on a date with an attractive women I don’t mind of the guys nearby check her out, to me that’s a compliment in a way it lets me know she’s hot. I can also understand that if I leave to use the washroom or whatever it is I have to do that their might be some guy who tries to flirt with her, perhaps he didn’t see me and her walk in together. But it’s when I’m right beside her and some asshole comes up thinking he’s the greatest piece of shit in the world and starts trying to pick her up. Seriously what the fuck is this ass clown thinking doesn’t he realize he could get his brains stomped out.
The guy who slams his door into your car door when you’re watching
This one is right up there in the stupid factor. Let’s say your coming back from picking up some errands your only a few feet from your car and some dick head slams his car door into yours leaving a pretty large scratch on it. Then the guy simply starts to walk away like nothing happened, and when you confront him he looks at like an idiot and can’t figure out why you’re pissed off at him.
The guy who lets his dog shit on your lawn and doesn’t pick it up
I remember living in Edmonton and having this happen all the time. I had a nice decent place in a quiet neighbourhood not far from downtown. The area had a lot of dogs that were walked usually every day unless it was retarded cold like minus 40 Celsius, even the dogs don’t want to go out and take a piss in that type of weather. Anyways in the spring and summer when I was home after work or on the weekends I would usually be busy with some project or cleaning up the place. For some reason when I would be in the front lawn this would happen more often but some dink with their dog would walk up the sidewalk to my place and let their dog take a shit on my lawn. In one case the owner of one particular dog looked right at me as his little fluff ball too a crunch right in the middle of my yard, then started to walk away. WTF do assholes not carry bags for dog shit anymore; anyways that guy got a nice shit sandwich that day.
So what about all you out in internet land what kind of jerks really piss you off?
