Wednesday, April 28, 2010

How To Get Out Of Watching Chick Flicks

Guys if you’ve had to watch a chick flick then you understand my pain. Now I consider myself lucky that I haven’t had to watch one in awhile, but let me tell you the emotional scares haunt me still. Like the red headed step child who has to point on the doll where the bad man touched them these shit flicks can cause serious emotional damage that can never be repaired. Unfortunately women love this shit, they eat it up like sponge cake covered in bacon, mmmmmmmm bacon. This sappy tear jerking bullshit gets them all weepy and emotional, good news for them, bad news for us. Unfortunately they also know how to use this as a weapon to break our souls. But there are things you can do to avoid disaster, here are some tips I’ve developed that are guaranteed to get you out of watching any of these types of movies.
1. Fake a seizure

Not sure how to do it, imagine you’re drunk, you’ve crapped yourself and you’re stuck in a blender all at once. For that little extra effect you try to spit up on the carpet, don’t worry you won’t have to clean it.

2. Pretend you’re possessed by evil spirits

This got me out of having to watch the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice. Make sure to watch the Exorcist or the Exorcism of Emily Rose before hand, both are awesome movies. Also if you can covertly eat as many peas and maple syrup as possible. When it comes time to watch the movie, let her get about 3 or 4 minutes into it, this will make throwing up so much easier. Now projectile vomit at the T.V and speak in tongues or just mumble shit about an old priest and a young priest.

3. Tell her you’re gay

Let the opening credits roll and in a calm and quiet voice lean over, look her straight in the eye and say “Honey I’m gay” then jump up and skip down the hallway. I guarantee you she’ll be in so much fucking shock you could immediately throw in you’re favourite midget clown porn tape and blast some metal and she won’t stop you………..let the good times roll.

4. Give her the Vulcan neck pinch

Now I’ve watched enough episodes of the 60’s Star Trek to know this is a sound proven technique. As soon as she grabs the remote give her the pinch and BAM Herpes…….I mean she’ll go down….yeah that’s it. Leaving you in control of that very precious remote to do you’re bidding.

5. Burn some shit

Don’t want to watch the notebook, start a fire. I guarantee you she won’t want to watch any chick flick when the kitchen table is on fire, besides this is a great excuse to buy new shit.

6. Shoot the T.V

This is only in extreme cases when all sensible negotiations have failed. When it results to this you’re doing the T.V a favour. Look at the bright side you’ll get that new big screen you always wanted.

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Tara Patrick


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2 comments:

Kelly said...

I had no idea that you could give wimmens Herpes with that there Vulcan Nerve Pinch. Gosh, ya learn on a lot on blogs these days.

All of your solutions to your chick flick problem merit attention, of course.

I like your going into devil-possessed seizures idea. Maybe she'll black out, herself, from the stress of you scaring her shitless and you can cop a feel while she's out. Just looking on the bright side. Peas and syrup? Yum.

Another option to get her out of the room and regain control of the remote is to shit your pants and make her sick from the smell. If, for whatever reason she doesn't smell said shit, just pull down your pants and show her. Be sure to wear adult diapers beforehand.

The Wolf said...

Good idea another good one would be to start getting you're freak on with you're imaginary friend. Now hopefully once you start she gets aroused, if not she'll leave the room in disgust.......so it's a win win me thinks.

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