Tourist Rules Of Engagement

Today like any other day I take my dog for long walks around the sea wall here in Vancouver. It’s a great way to take in a little nature and some piece and quiet in an otherwise busy city. Normally these walks ease my tired and broken soul enough to make me not want to curb stomp every fucker who looks at me shifty eyed (Yes I’m bitter I know). But today that peace that sense that maybe just maybe things might be a little better today………nope that dream got ass raped in the shower prison style. Why you ask? Because the sea wall was choked full of dumb ass tourists.

Normally I don’t mind people along the wall, the hot jogger girls with oh so tight tights bouncing past me oblivious cause they have their Ipods plugged in, other dog walkers who I sometimes strike up a meaningless conversation with……did I mention the hot jogging girls? Anyways today the wall was full of dumbass, confused and overly obvious tourists.

You’re probably thinking that when I mention tourists I’m going to bash Americans…..nope you are dead wrong, it was Chinese and Japanese and a handful of Koreans who drove my urge to kill to the fucking stratosphere. Don’t take this that I’m a racist I could honestly care less what your race or sexual orientation is, you could even be a goat and or a dog fucker for all I care, I break people down into two groups good decent people and assholes it’s as simple as that.

So the next time your in a foreign country here are some handy dandy rules of engagement or ROE’s for you tourist types so people like me don’t drown you in the pacific.

1. If your walking along the sea-wall or another type of narrow walkway pick a fucking side and stay there, let the hot bouncing jogger girls pass, you’ll be glad they did trust me.

2. Don’t stand in the middle of the fucking way and not move even though you know I’m there you can hear my dog barking and I’m telling you to get the fuck out of my way in both official Canadian languages (English and French for those who don’t know)

3. Don’t ask local stupid questions such as, “Do you know Jim from Thunder bay?” No I don’t fucking know Jim, Jack, or Joe from Thunder Bay, Thunderdome or wherever the fuck they live.

4. Watch the weather channel before you travel so you don’t look like a complete fucking retard showing up in a parka and scarf when it’s 18 degrees outside, were all going to laugh at you.

5. If you rent a bike, moped, or use roller blades follow the rules like the rest of us, and don’t hog the fucking road

6. I don’t care how fucking rich and powerful you are in (Insert country here) don’t wear a bright pink fanny pack, again were all going to laugh at you.

7. Do not gloat to a local about how another hockey team beat the local hockey team. We take hockey seriously up here; it’s like our religion eh. And you know what people do when there fanatical about religion wink wink

8. Just because you see a local don’t expect us to be all smiles and sunshine and try to start a random conversation with them, again were going to laugh at you

9. If you’re in a liquor store, grocery store, porn store, do not stand so fucking close to me your practically dry humping me. This is only cool when you’re a hot jogging girl, hot nurse, or Lucy Liu, for all others do not violate my personal space or I will stab you with the closest package of Halls I can grab.

10. That cell phone you’re yelling into to make yourself look important just makes you look like a dink and I would love nothing more then to smash it with a rock…..while it’s still beside your head.

And on that note everybody have a great day :)

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